Stephen Covey on the Talking Stick

Stephen Covey’s Talking Stick Story

“After I trained Indian chiefs who head up Indian nations in the United States and Canada, the chiefs gave me a beautiful gift – an intricately carved, five-foot-tall Talking Stick with the name Bald Eagle inscribed on it. The Talking Stick has played an integral part in Native American government for centuries. In fact, some of the Founding Fathers of the American Republic (particularly Benjamin Franklin) were educated in the ideas behind the Talking Stick by Native American chiefs of the Iroquois Federation. It is one of the most powerful communication tools I’ve ever seen, because, while it is tangible and physical, it embodies a concept that is powerfully synergistic. This Talking Stick represents how people with differences can come to understand one another through mutual respect, which then enables them to solve their differences and problems synergistically, or at the very least through compromise.

The Talking Stick Theory
Here’s the theory behind it. Whenever people meet together the Talking Stick is present. Only the person holding the Talking Stick is permitted to speak. As long as you have the Talking Stick, you alone may speak, until you are satisfied that you are understood. Others are not permitted to make their points, argue, agree or disagree. All they may do is attempt to understand you and then attempt to articulate that understanding. They may need to restate your point to make sure you feel understood, or you may just simply feel that they understand.
As soon as you feel understood, it is your obligation to pass the Talking Stick to the next person and then work to make him feel understood. As he makes his points, you have to listen, restate and empathize until he feels truly understood. This way, all of the parties involved take responsibility for one hundred percent of the communication, both speaking and listening. Once each of the parties feels understood, an amazing thing usually happens. Negative energy dissipates, contention evaporates, mutual respect grows, and people become creative. New ideas emerge. Third alternatives appear.
Remember, to understand does not mean to agree with. It just means to be able to see with the other person’s eyes, heart, mind and spirit. One of the deepest needs of the human soul is to be understood. Once that need is met, the personal focus can shift to interdependent problem solving. But if that very intense need for understanding is not met, ego battles take place. Turf issues arise. Defensive and protective communication is the order of the day. Sometimes contention, even violence can erupt.”

–Stephen R. Covey [The 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness] p. 197-198

Talking Stick: Peacemaking as a Spiritual Path

By Stephan V. Beyer

“The third thing that makes council or circle special as a way of meeting together, making decisions, solving problems, dealing with conflicts, and building community is the talking stick. The rule of the talking stick is simple: Whoever holds the stick gets to speak, and everyone else listens. The stick is passed around the circle, and each person holds it in turn.

My practice has always been to pass the stick around the circle clockwise. I do that because that is the direction the sun travels from rising to setting, at least in the northern hemisphere, and that is the way I was taught. Other people may pass the stick in a counterclockwise direction, or sometimes one way and sometimes the other. As with many things, there is no one way to do it.

The rule of the talking stick is simple, but that does not mean it is easy. In fact, the rule is quite difficult to follow, because we have been systematically taught in our culture not to listen to each other.

The talking stick can be anything-a stick, a rock, a statue, a feather, a ballpoint pen, a fork picked off the table. Some people use the term talking piece instead of talking stick to reflect the fact that what is passed around the circle does not need to be a stick at all. the stick can be specially made and decorated, an object which is personal or sacred or symbolic, simple or elaborate, or it can be expedient-a rock picked up on the spur of the moment, a coffee cup, a key ring.

The purpose is to create a safe space in which people can simply talk honestly and sincerely with one another. The talking stick is a way of creating some safety; a participant can speak without being interrupted or argued with. Indeed, the talking stick can supply courage to the shy and steadiness to the flighty; it symbolizes the responsibility of speech, the courage of the true speaker, the importance of truth.

The talking stick is miraculous. As a practical matter, the stick creates order. People cannot interrupt over each other. People have to wait their turn, not matter how strongly they feel about what was just said. The talking stick empowers the shy and deferential to speak and keeps the loud and overbearing from dominating the discussion.

The fact that people must wait for the stick to travel around the circle means that they cannot react immediately to something they disagree with. Instead they must first listen to what other people have to say, which often frames the statement in new and enlightening ways. The stick discourages personal confrontation and encourages group process.”

Stephan V. Beyer, Ph.D., J. D., is a community builder, peacemaker and carrier of council. He has been trained and certified in many areas of circle processes, mediation, and nonviolence and has served as a lecturer in restorative justice and in the theory and practice of nonviolent resistance as Chicago State University. He lives in Chicago.

Stephen V Beyer, The Talking Stick Talk

University of Pennsylvania, September 27, 2012