Harnessing Emotional Energy to Transform Conflict In Mediation

By John Ford

Mediation is much more than a structured process for resolving disputes—it is an emotional journey, as Jharna Jagtiani insightfully points out in her article on Mediate.com Understanding the Role of Emotions in Mediation. Emotions, whether positive or negative, serve as both catalysts for and barriers to resolution. As mediators, we must move beyond procedural facilitation to recognize and honor the emotional energy that permeates the process.

Building on Jagtiani’s perspective, I’d like to explore the role of emotions as energetic forces that provide critical information about the parties’ underlying needs, while also highlighting how mediators can transform these emotions into pathways for resolution.

Emotions as the Language of Conflict

In Peace at Work, I emphasize that emotions are often the first way we recognize that conflict exists. As Peter T. Coleman eloquently states, “We need models that not only see emotions as the energy behind the conflicts, but also recognize that they create the context through which we experience conflict.” Mediators who acknowledge this can better assist participants in uncovering the emotional truths that hold conflict in place.

Jagtiani rightly observes that negative emotions such as anger and frustration can escalate tensions, while positive emotions like hope can foster cooperation. I would add that emotions are also carriers of unintegrated energy, or "emotional baggage," as unresolved past hurts often resurface during mediation. This dynamic highlights the transformative potential of allowing parties to feel and process their emotions fully, a concept deeply rooted in Gestalt therapy and echoed by thinkers like Deepak Chopra: “Until you make peace with negative feelings, they will persist.”

Techniques for Mediating Emotional Energy

Jagtiani outlines essential techniques such as active listening, reframing, and empathy, which are foundational to managing emotional dynamics in mediation. Expanding on her ideas, I offer additional insights into working with emotional energy:

1. Encouraging Emotional Expression Without Judgment
   When parties feel safe to express their emotions, they can release the “residue” of unresolved feelings. This is critical for creating an environment where healing and resolution can occur. Mediators must validate emotions while gently guiding participants toward constructive dialogue.

2. Connecting Emotions to Needs
   Beneath every emotional reaction lies an unmet need. By encouraging participants to articulate what they feel and exploring the needs that drive these feelings, mediators can shift the focus from positions to interests. This aligns with Jagtiani’s emphasis on identifying underlying concerns and builds on the idea of emotions as carriers of vital information.

3. Helping Participants "Get Real"
   As I note in Peace at Work, mediators can role model authenticity by encouraging participants to “get real” with each other. While not all parties are ready or willing to delve into their emotional dynamics, even small insights into their emotional triggers can lead to profound breakthroughs.

The Transformative Power of Emotional Insight

Emotions are more than fleeting reactions—they are the energetic currents that shape our thoughts, perceptions, and actions. Jagtiani highlights the importance of emotional intelligence in mediation, and I fully agree. Yet, I also believe that mediators must be attuned to the deeper relationship between present emotional triggers and past emotional imprinting.

When mediators help participants connect their current emotional responses to unresolved past experiences, profound shifts can occur. For instance, a party may realize that their anger is less about the present conflict and more about a long-standing sense of being undervalued. Such insights not only dissolve emotional barriers but also open the door to forgiveness and reconciliation.

Emotions as Bridges to Resolution

Both Jagtiani and I share the belief that mediators must prioritize emotional intelligence alongside procedural skills. Emotions, as challenging as they may be to navigate, hold the key to understanding and resolving conflict. As Gary Zukav reminds us, “When we close the door to our feelings, we close the door to the vital currents that energize and activate our thoughts and actions.”

By embracing emotions as a natural part of the mediation process and working with their energy, mediators can transform potential barriers into bridges toward understanding. Techniques like active listening, creating safe spaces, and fostering emotional insights empower parties to move beyond entrenched positions and achieve resolutions that are both practical and meaningful.

Incorporating emotional intelligence into mediation is not just an option—it is a necessity. As Jagtiani’s article and my experiences in workplace mediation demonstrate, addressing emotional dynamics effectively can elevate mediation from a problem-solving process to a transformative journey of healing and growth. Let us, as mediators, commit to recognizing and working with the emotional energy of conflict, for it is here that true resolution lies.

Executive Summary

This summary and podcast recording was generated by Notebook LM based on this article that was inspired by Jharna Jagtiani’s on Mediate.com Understanding the Role of Emotions in Mediation.:

Key ideas from the text include:

● Emotions are the first way we recognize conflict. They act as the energy behind conflicts and create the context through which we experience conflict.

● Negative emotions, like anger, can escalate tension, while positive emotions, like hope, can foster cooperation.

● Emotions can also be carriers of unresolved past hurts that resurface during mediation.

● Mediators should create a safe space for parties to express their emotions without judgment.

● It is important to connect emotions to the unmet needs that drive them. This can shift the focus from positions to interests.

● Mediators can encourage parties to be authentic with each other.

● When mediators help participants connect current emotional responses to past experiences, profound shifts can occur. This can lead to forgiveness and reconciliation.

● Techniques such as active listening, reframing, and empathy are essential to managing emotional dynamics in mediation.

● Addressing emotional dynamics can elevate mediation to a transformative journey of healing and growth.

Below is the podcast conversation generated by Notebook LM. It’s actually quite excellent!!

From Reaction to Response: Choosing Conscious Conflict Resolution

John Ford's "From Reaction to Response" explores the distinction between reactive and responsive approaches to conflict. Reactive responses, stemming from unconscious emotional triggers and past experiences, involve blame and victimhood. Responsive approaches, conversely, emphasize taking responsibility for one's emotions and consciously choosing how to react. The author advocates for emotional awareness and the rewiring of ingrained reactive patterns to foster healthier conflict resolution. This involves acknowledging and processing emotions without judgment to break destructive cycles. Ultimately, the text argues that shifting from reaction to response requires conscious effort and self-awareness.

This recording was generated by Notebook LM based on the article I wrote in March 2008, the full text of which appears below:

From Reaction to Response: Conflict As A Choice

By John Ford

March 10, 2008

Once we embrace that conflict is inevitable in social relationships, the question we have to ask is “how do we respond?” Responsibly, we’d hope. Yet, for the most part, when we are in conflict, we are not very responsive, and tend to be reactive. Shifting to a responsive approach to conflict is easier said than done. When we are in conflict situations, we are typically being triggered and reverting to our unconscious conflict handling scripts.

What’s the difference between a responsive and a reactive approach? When we respond to the challenges of life-including our conflict situations-we take responsibility for our role in the situation, we are in tune with what we are feeling and why, and our thoughts, words and behaviors are conscious of the bigger picture. By contrast, when we react, we shift responsibility for the situation to the other through blame; we assume the victim role and are ‘justifiably’ carried away by powerful feelings like anger, fear and grief. We use an unconscious template for reaction that seeks acknowledgement, justice, restoration, and even revenge.

One of the reasons that it is so hard to be responsive is that we experience and are typically exposed to unproductive conflict scripts from the time of our birth. Our earliest lessons come from the approach our parents take to their own conflict, our experience of how our parents deal with us, and as we grow up, through our interactions with siblings, friends, colleagues, teachers and bosses. If we struggle to deal with our differences with the aid of language, try and imagine how hard it was during those early pre-verbal years when we didn’t even have a word to describe conflict.

As a species we have achieved great physical and mental milestones, and yet when we are threatened by another’s behavior-as is typically the case in conflict-we reveal how immature we are emotionally. It is as if we revert to our childhood mentality when we are triggered.

Knowing this at an intellectual level is one thing. Being able to shift our physical and emotional behavior from reaction to responsive choice when we are actually triggered is another. If only, because when we are triggered, we are by definition not in our most conscious state. Our well worn neural pathways take us away from the perspective taking cortex, into the reflexive limbic structures such as the amygdala. We are in a reactive survival mode.

As modern neurologists, such as Antonio Damasio, have helped us understand, emotions are enmeshed in the neural networks of reason. In other words, there is no such thing as a decision free of emotion. Yet in our culture, we continuously hear expressions that extol the virtue of not making emotional decisions. This is one of the great challenges of our time-how to mature emotionally, such that we can make responsible emotional decisions about how to deal with our differences (aka conflict).

There are two ways we can approach our penchant for reactivity. One focuses on the moment that we are triggered, and seeks to restore short term balance. It is really the symptomatic response-the band aid-that helps the person in conflict calm down, and release the primal grip of the amygdala so that the cortex can come into play. There are a variety of calming techniques that help with this. Until the next time we are triggered!

The other is more causal and seeks to transform the trigger mechanism itself. This approach is centered on taking responsibility for our own emotions and learning new templates for our emotional responses. It relies on the inherent plasticity of the brain to rewire its well worn templates.

Stuff happens. We all experience pain and discomfort. The shift is in seeing that when we are triggered, it is not because of something out there that is happening, but rather the interpretation we give to the situation. A blue sky can mean hell for a farmer desperate for rain, and joy for a sunbather at a beach. What triggers one, will not necessarily trigger another. Playing the victim is a choice. And when we do, it feeds into our tendencies to react.

If we can make the shift from victim to navigator of the quality of our own experiences, we can start to work with the energy of the emotion. So often we suppress what it is that we are feeling, or just give our emotions free reign. Both of these reactions are tempting, but do not help shift the trigger mechanism. In fact the unresolved emotional energy continues to seek release and sets in motion the characteristic spiral dynamic of destructive conflict.

Gestalt therapy has a simple suggestion for change-feel what you are feeling. It is only when we are able to experience where we are emotionally that we can move somewhere else. Some find this scary. Imagine, allowing yourself to feel the anger. Almost immediately you tell yourself to be bigger, and to show compassion. Or if you are disappointed at a friend, you chastise yourself for being judgmental. Yet, to change the way we are triggered, we must allow ourselves to feel what it is that we are feeling.

This does not mean that we wallow in our feelings. We use the attention of our mind to focus and clearly identify what it is that we are feeling. If we are able, we trace back in time, other experiences where we were triggered in a similar manner. You have probably heard people asking in exasperation, “why does this keep happening to me?” It is because they are carrying unresolved emotional energy that in all probability will take them back to an incident that occurred in the earliest years of their lives.

Once we have identified the emotional signature that we associate with the trigger, and explored its commonality with other life experiences, we can allow ourselves to feel the emotion, ideally with a mind that is compassionate. In other words, we do not judge ourselves for what we are feeling. When we can do this, the energy of the emotion can move, and not be hijacked by limiting neural structures like the amygdala.

When we allow our feelings, when we start to experience them fully, and to welcome them into the neural hallways of reason, we can start to respond in a more mature way to our life challenges. We are able to take the stock of the bigger perspective and incorporate the significance of what is happening to us right here, right now.

As long as we have unresolved emotional energy, we will always be triggered by this or by that. Each of us discovers through his or her triggers, the areas that seek integration. When we allow these situations to morph into conflict situations, we have choices. One path takes us toward the well worn templates of reaction. Another takes us toward calming techniques, and ways that work with (not against) the energy of the emotion.

This path is not easy, for in the moment of being triggered we are outraged that we are being treated the way we are. The situation in our mind rises to a level that demands a reaction-and when we don’t get the ‘response’ we expect, our ire only increases, and we set in motion the destructive cycles that we ultimately call conflict. A shift that is honest about our proclivity for reaction and which moves us toward-not away- from our emotions increases our chances of a conscious response to the challenges of the inevitable conflict that comes our way.

Being aware of the difference between a reactive and responsive approach is the start. Then the hard work begins. As we uncover the contours of our unconscious conflict handling scripts we can begin to shift. We learn how to calm down, to take responsibility for our reactions, and hopefully to feel what is going on a wholesome manner that doesn’t exclude our most creative problem solving capacities.

Resonant vs. Discordant Leadership: Navigating the Balance Between Connection and Accountability

By John Ford

“Leaders must step in to resolve task and process issues when employees can't manage them independently. They can’t afford to turn a blind eye when they notice things going off track.”

This statement captures a core challenge of leadership today. It’s no longer just about meeting deadlines or hitting targets; modern leadership requires understanding and managing the emotional landscape of a team. Leaders who prioritize being agreeable or playing "Mr. Nice" may find that, over time, standards slip and problems grow. Yet, those who step in to address issues often risk being labeled as micromanagers, viewed as overbearing or overly controlling.

It’s a tricky balance to maintain, and many leaders feel stuck between these two extremes, unsure how to strike the right note. However, mastering this balance is crucial, as successful leadership lies in fostering a culture of trust and collaboration without compromising on accountability. The best leaders navigate this challenge with skill, creating environments where issues are addressed constructively, and team members feel both supported and empowered.

The Challenge of Looking the Other Way

Choosing to look the other way to maintain harmony is a common yet risky move. Leaders who avoid conflict may think they are preserving team morale, but the consequences can be severe. Emotional dissonance starts to spread, and signs of a dysfunctional team emerge:

1. Grimaces and Anger: When frustrations go unaddressed, they manifest as tension and negativity, often impacting the whole team.

2. Fear and Apathy: Inconsistencies in enforcing standards lead to a culture of uncertainty and disengagement, where employees feel disconnected from their work.

3. Sullen Silence and Cynicism: Over time, the silence of unresolved issues becomes a breeding ground for cynicism and passive resistance.

4. Doubt and Insincerity: When leaders aren’t transparent or consistent, employees start doubting their sincerity, undermining trust.

5. Resentment and Contempt: The workplace becomes toxic, filled with unresolved grievances and growing discontent.

When leaders avoid taking action, hoping things improve on their own, they often achieve the opposite. The dissonance spreads, standards decline, and the overall team culture suffers.

The Perils of Being Seen as a Micromanager

Yet, addressing issues head-on brings its own set of challenges. Leaders who speak up and hold people accountable may be perceived as micromanagers, which can alienate their team. This is the fine line leaders must walk: How do you enforce high standards without making your team feel controlled or untrusted?

This tension leaves many leaders feeling stuck, unsure of how to proceed. The fear of being viewed as a threat can be paralyzing. But the best leaders find a way to navigate this delicate balance. They don’t compromise on emotional connection, nor do they shy away from setting expectations. Instead, they become masters of communication and empathy.

The Power of Resonant Leadership

The key to resolving this dilemma lies in resonant leadership. Resonant leaders understand the emotional currents running through their teams and use this awareness to address problems constructively. Here’s what effective resonance looks like:

1. Smiles and Laughter: These are indicators of a workplace where people feel genuinely happy and connected. Leaders who foster joy and warmth create a positive and engaging culture.

2. Spirited and Delightful Energy: When employees feel inspired and motivated, it’s because leaders have aligned the work environment with people’s passions and strengths.

3. Confidence and Trust: Resonant leaders build trust by being authentic, transparent, and consistent. They don’t shy away from tough conversations but handle them with empathy and respect.

4. Engagement and Commitment: Employees are most engaged when they feel that their work has meaning and that their leader is invested in their growth.

These leaders do address deviations from expected standards, but they do so in a way that feels supportive rather than punitive. By framing feedback constructively and being genuinely invested in their employees' success, they avoid being perceived as micromanagers. Instead, they become seen as reliable and empowering.

Navigating the Balance: Practical Strategies

So, how do you become a resonant leader? It starts with developing emotional intelligence and using tools like The Empathy Set to better understand your team’s needs. Here are a few strategies:

1. Stay Present and Aware: Regularly check in with your team to gauge the emotional atmosphere. Are smiles and laughter present, or is there a sullen silence? Use this awareness to inform your leadership decisions.

2. Address Issues Promptly, but Kindly: When you see a problem, don’t let it fester. However, approach it from a place of curiosity and empathy rather than judgment or control.

3. Be Transparent and Authentic: Share the reasons behind your decisions and show vulnerability where appropriate. This builds trust and shows that your actions come from a place of genuine care.

4. Frame Feedback as Growth: Instead of framing issues as failures, discuss them as opportunities for development. This way, your team sees you as a supportive guide rather than an enforcer.

Ultimately, resonant leaders know how to make tough decisions without compromising on emotional connection. They foster a culture of both high standards and deep trust, inspiring their teams to engage fully and deliver their best work.

Leadership is never simple, but by mastering the art of resonant leadership, you can transform your team’s dynamic and create lasting positive change.

How are you balancing the need for connection and accountability in your leadership role? Share your experiences and reflections below!

Rage Rooms: Exploring Their Impact on Anger and Emotional Well-Being

When my nephew suggested we visit a rage room during his recent visit, I hesitated. The idea of smashing things to relieve anger seemed at odds with the approach I teach in conflict resolution—one that values emotional awareness, empathy, and constructive communication. But after learning more about the science behind rage rooms, I realized that their popularity speaks to a larger issue in how we deal with anger and frustration.

Rage rooms, or "anger rooms," allow people to release pent-up emotions by smashing objects in a controlled environment. While they offer a temporary sense of relief, research suggests that such actions may not provide lasting benefits, and may even reinforce harmful emotional patterns.

Instant Relief vs. Long-Term Impact

In the moment, smashing objects can feel like a satisfying way to release tension. The physical act of breaking things may provide immediate relief from frustration, but the effects are usually short-lived. Mental health experts argue that venting anger through physical aggression, such as in rage rooms, can actually make anger worse over time. Rather than helping people manage their emotions, it reinforces a cycle of reactive behavior, making it more likely that individuals will respond with aggression in future stressful situations.

The Importance of Emotional Literacy

Instead of focusing on venting anger, it's more effective to understand it. Emotional literacy—recognizing and naming our feelings—allows us to better understand the root causes of our emotions and take proactive steps to address them. Identifying what we are truly feeling, such as frustration or fear, can help us respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively.

Mindful communication and reflective practices offer a deeper, more sustainable approach to emotional regulation. Specifically, tools like the Empathy Set—whether through its flash cards, dictionary, or app—help individuals slow down and connect with their feelings and needs. By providing prompts that guide emotional awareness, the Empathy Set creates space for more thoughtful responses, promoting healthier communication and better conflict resolution

The Problem with Venting Anger

While rage rooms might provide temporary relief, research shows that acting out anger physically can reinforce a cycle of aggression. Studies have found that people who vent their anger aggressively are more likely to react with violence when faced with anger in the future. This reinforces the idea that aggression is an appropriate way to deal with frustration, rather than encouraging healthier coping mechanisms.

In contrast, emotional awareness and reflective practices can help individuals move beyond knee-jerk reactions. By focusing on the underlying needs driving our emotions, we can engage in conversations that promote understanding and resolution, rather than escalating the situation.

Healthier Alternatives for Stress Relief

There are more effective ways to manage anger and stress that don't involve venting through aggression. Practices like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and cognitive restructuring can help calm the mind and body without reinforcing negative emotional patterns. These strategies encourage a proactive approach to managing stress, enabling individuals to respond more calmly and thoughtfully in difficult situations.

Instead of relying on quick fixes like rage rooms, developing emotional awareness and healthier coping strategies can lead to long-term emotional well-being. When we take the time to reflect on our emotions and understand their origins, we can address them more constructively.

Rage Rooms: Fun or Unhealthy?

While rage rooms might seem like a fun way to blow off steam, it's important to be aware of their potential drawbacks. They can provide an outlet for frustration, but without addressing the root causes of anger, they may just reinforce harmful emotional habits. For some, the experience may serve as a novelty or an opportunity for bonding, but it's crucial not to rely on such outlets as a long-term solution for managing stress.

Conclusion: Building Emotional Awareness for Lasting Change

Ultimately, while rage rooms may offer a temporary escape, they don't provide the tools needed for long-term emotional growth. Developing emotional literacy—understanding our feelings and responding to them constructively—is key to fostering healthier relationships and creating a more harmonious environment. By choosing mindful strategies for emotional expression, we can transform our anger into a catalyst for growth rather than allowing it to fester and explode in destructive ways.

74. Mastering Emotions in Midlife: Breaking Free from Emotional Eating, Voicing Needs and Setting Boundaries with John Ford

Welcome to Episode 74 of the Emotional Eats Podcast!

I enjoyed a deep and insightful conversation with John Ford, a mediator and expert in conflict resolution, emotional literacy, and empathy. John shares his personal journey, starting in apartheid South Africa, where he was driven to pursue law to foster change. However, his path shifted toward mediation, focusing on resolving conflicts through emotional awareness and relational harmony. This evolution in his career led him to become a workplace mediator, with a particular emphasis on emotional intelligence.

Listen to the podcast here.

Empathy Steps

By Marshall Rosenberg, Ph. D.

From Getting Past the Pain Between Us: Healing and Reconciliation without Compromise

1

First, empathy requires presence, a focus on what is alive in the other person at this moment, on their feelings and needs.

2

Second, empathy requires checking things out with the other person, making sure you're connecting with their feelings and needs.

Each step mentioned so far can be done silently: being fully present, having your attention on the other person's feelings and needs. Or, we could check in verbally, reflect out loud what we sense the feelings and needs are.

3

The third step for empathizing is to stay with the person until they give you signs that they're finished.

4

The fourth step doesn't happen until the relief is felt. During the empathy process, if every time I understand something and they come back with, "Yes, and blah blah blah," that is a signal that they need more empathy. But when I feel this relief in tension, when I see that the person has stopped talking, chances are they've had the empathy they've need.

But I always like to triple check by saying to them, "Is there more that you'd like to say?" I've learned to be very slow in shifting the attention away from the other person to myself.

5

The fifth step, then, is to empathize with their "post-empathic" request, that something extra they want, but often don't know how to ask for. So if, after the empathy, I see them looking at me, I usually say, "Would you like to hear how I feel about what you said?" It's a very human thing to want to know how what you've given has affected the other person. Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't want to hear how I feel.

The Courage to Speak Up….

934: Harnessing CONFLICT, PEACE, and a culture of resolutions for team success w/ John Ford

A PODCAST With Brian Lofrumento

What if conflict could be the key to your entrepreneurial success? Join us as we welcome John Ford, a conflict resolution expert with a remarkable background ranging from law practice in Namibia to involvement in UN-led peace processes. John’s insights will transform the way you perceive and handle conflicts, turning them from obstacles into opportunities for growth and communication. Learn how his journey to the United States led him to specialize in workplace mediation, where he developed unique tools like the empathy set and talking sticks that are revolutionizing how businesses resolve disputes.

Gain practical strategies for addressing conflicts early and preventing them from escalating, a crucial skill for any entrepreneur. John emphasizes the power of constructive communication and the importance of understanding subtle emotions in negotiation scenarios. Discover how building human connections and establishing fairness can lead to win-win solutions, and why empathy and an objective perspective are essential for achieving just outcomes. Whether you’re negotiating a deal or resolving a workplace issue, John’s approach will equip you with the skills to handle conflicts effectively.

Explore the creation of a culture of resolution in your business by building trust and honoring all perspectives involved in disputes. John shares his wisdom on using emotional intelligence to make conflicts productive and how the immigrant experience shapes an entrepreneurial mindset. Through practical examples and tools like feelings and needs cards, you’ll see how structured communication can lead to mutually beneficial solutions. Don’t miss this episode filled with invaluable insights and techniques that will elevate your conflict resolution skills and foster better communication within your entrepreneurial journey.

To watch:

Apple Podcasts

Spotify

Brian Lofrumento: Wantrepreneur to Entrepreneur

Born in 2016, The Wantrepreneur to Entrepreneur Podcast is one of the top business podcasts in the world. With over 750 episodes and counting at the beginning of 2024, Wantrepreneur to Entrepreneur has been inspiring and helping entrepreneurs in over 150 countries, and in addition to being ranked as one of the top 200 business and marketing shows in top charts around the world, the show is ranked as a top 1.5% podcast globally.

Listeners enjoy our engaging (and VERY excitable!) style of delivering top-class business, marketing, sales, strategy, tactics, and mindset content from our show host Brian Lofrumento, who first and foremost is an entrepreneur himself having started his first business at the age of 19 (more on that crazy story in a bit!).

The Wantrepreneur to Entrepreneur Podcast brings listeners five new episodes every week, featuring content that is meant to inspire you, uplift you, remind you that you're NEVER alone in this entrepreneurial journey, and of course features actionable takeaways, ideas, and strategies that you can implement fast to get more results in your own entrepreneurial journey.

Podcast Interview of John Ford by Shawn Edwards: The Empathy Set to build EI and develop Conflict Resolution Skills

Shawn Edwards interviews John Ford about his empathy tools and his approach to emotional intelligence based on his over 30 years of work as a professional workplace mediator and conflict resolution coach.

To view the full podcast interview (39:36)

The Neuroscience of Empathy: A Key Skill for Mediators

Empathy is more than just a concept or an abstract ideal; it’s a fundamental part of our human nature, deeply embedded in our biology. Neuroscience reveals that empathy plays a crucial role in how we connect with others, allowing us to understand and share their feelings and needs. For mediators, this skill is indispensable—not only as a tool for resolving conflict but also for fostering trust and emotional understanding between conflicting parties.

In this article, we’ll explore the neuroscience behind empathy, its definition and components, and how mediators can cultivate and apply this skill to enhance their practice.

The Empathy Network in Our Brains

Empathy is hardwired into our brains, with research revealing the biological roots of this powerful skill. One of the key players in this process is a set of neurons called mirror neurons. According to Don Joseph Gowey, "Mirror neurons generate empathy, which is the opposite experience of judging and condemning." When we see someone experiencing an emotion—whether it’s joy, sorrow, or frustration—these mirror neurons activate, allowing us to feel a version of that emotion within ourselves. This neurological mechanism helps explain why we often find ourselves moved by the pain or happiness of others.

The brain circuits involved in empathy demonstrate how different regions work together to respond to others' experiences. For example, the somatosensory cortex enables us to physically sense and react to another person’s pain, while the superior temporal sulcus helps us mirror their actions and emotions. These interconnected areas allow us to perceive and connect with others on an emotional level, enhancing our ability to empathize.

Daniel Goleman expands on this through the concept of emotional contagion, noting that "emotions are contagious. We catch feelings from one another as though they were some kind of social virus." This phenomenon is central to the science of empathy. The mirror neuron system allows us to mirror another person’s emotions, contributing to the automatic transmission of feelings between people. Goleman also highlights that "our brain’s very design makes it hard to maintain emotional distance; our emotions automatically and instantly mimic those of others." This is why we can pick up on the emotional states of others before even consciously realizing it.

Candace Pert further elaborates on this emotional resonance, saying, "The emotions are the connectors, flowing between individuals, moving among us as empathy, compassion, sorrow, and joy." This underscores the idea that empathy is a biological function intertwined with our ability to connect emotionally. Our shared "molecules of emotion," as Pert describes them, resonate together, reflecting the oneness of human experience.

This ability to quickly pick up on emotions is demonstrated in infants as well. Researchers Pat Wingert and Martha Brant observed that babies as young as six months could feel rudimentary empathy. They would cry when they heard other infants cry, yet did not react to recordings of their own cries. This shows that, from birth, humans are wired to respond to others’ emotional states, setting the stage for the development of empathy throughout life.

Empathy: A Skill to Cultivate

Although empathy is biologically embedded in our brains, it is also a skill that can be developed and improved. Effective empathy involves two key elements: genuine perception and deep imagination. These elements not only define empathy but also reveal its challenges, especially in the context of mediation.

Genuine Perception

Genuine perception refers to an unfiltered, direct understanding of another person’s feelings and needs. It is the ability to truly see and feel what someone else is experiencing without letting personal biases interfere with our interpretation. Mirror neurons play a critical role in this process. As Don Joseph Gowey pointed out, these neurons help us experience empathy rather than judgment. By activating when we observe others’ emotions, they allow us to feel the emotions of another person firsthand.

Daniel Goleman adds another dimension by explaining that "when we focus on someone else, our brain shifts to a mode that is less concerned with our own needs and more open to theirs." This shift is what makes empathy powerful—it moves us beyond self-interest and into a place where we can genuinely understand and resonate with another’s experience. For mediators, facilitating this shift is crucial in creating an experience where both parties feel heard and respected.

However, as mediators, overcoming personal experiences, emotions, and assumptions is crucial to achieving genuine perception. Our own neural wiring may lead us to project our feelings onto others, skewing our perception of their emotional reality. Mediators must recognize their biases and focus on accurately perceiving the emotions of the parties they are assisting.

Deep Imagination

Deep imagination is the ability to mentally journey into another’s experience. It is not enough to merely observe someone’s feelings; empathy requires us to imagine what it is like to live in their world, from their perspective. This is where empathy becomes an act of creativity, allowing us to bridge the gap between our understanding and their reality.

The neuroscientific research on empathy circuits offers valuable insight into how this imaginative leap occurs in the brain. For instance, the anterior insula helps us imagine the thoughts of others, and the medial prefrontal cortex aids in registering facial emotion and understanding the intentions of others. These circuits allow mediators to move beyond surface-level observations and into a deeper engagement with the emotional experiences of the parties involved in a conflict.

Daniel Goleman explains that "our brain’s very design makes it hard to maintain emotional distance; our emotions automatically and instantly mimic those of others." This automatic mirroring sets the stage for us to take the next step: imagining how the other person is experiencing the world from their unique perspective.

For mediators, deep imagination is crucial in understanding both parties' emotional landscapes without allowing their own experiences to color the interpretation. While mirror neurons give us a glimpse into another’s emotional state, the imaginative leap requires conscious effort and practice. The prefrontal cortex, particularly the cingulate cortex, helps in this process by comparing one’s perspective with another’s, allowing mediators to identify both the shared and divergent feelings and needs between conflicting parties.

However, deep imagination can be challenging. While mirror neurons and emotional contagion provide a biological foundation for empathy, mediators must be careful not to project their own interpretations onto the parties they are assisting. The imaginative leap into another’s perspective must be grounded in genuine curiosity and an active effort to understand their unique emotional reality.

Why Empathy Matters in Conflict Resolution

Mediators, by the nature of their work, are called upon to be empathic listeners. They must create an environment where both parties feel heard, understood, and respected. In doing so, mediators play a pivotal role in de-escalating conflict. Neuroscience shows that when we listen with genuine perception and deep imagination, we foster emotional resonance—an essential component for building trust and creating a sense of emotional safety.

By cultivating empathy, mediators enable both parties to shift from entrenched positions to a space of deeper emotional connection. This focus on understanding the perspectives of others is central to the success of mediation, as it encourages parties to see beyond their immediate grievances and into the shared emotional space that empathy creates.

Empathy is not just about understanding emotions; it’s also about recognizing and addressing underlying needs. True empathy is the ability to genuinely perceive and deeply imagine another person’s feelings and needs, to communicate this understanding with sensitivity, and to respond with compassionate actions.

In mediation, this process goes beyond resolving surface-level disagreements. It involves uncovering the deeper feelings and needs driving the conflict, creating space for resolution by acknowledging the feelings and addressing those needs. Often, the most entrenched disputes can be resolved once both sides feel that their emotions and needs have been fully recognized. Mediators who employ empathy effectively help guide parties from a place of division toward mutual understanding, and ultimately, resolution.

Empathy, rooted in our biology, is one of the most powerful tools mediators can wield. It enables them to connect deeply with the individuals involved, fostering more meaningful and compassionate resolutions. By honing the skills of genuine perception and deep imagination, mediators can unlock the transformative potential of empathy, turning conflict into an opportunity for collaboration and growth.

References

Candace Pert, Molecules of Emotion: The Science behind mind body medicine, 2003

Don Joseph Gowey, The End of Stress, 2014

Paul Ekman, Emotions Revealed, 2003

Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships (2006)

Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ (1995)

Pat Wingert and Martha Brant, Reading your Babies Mind, Newsweek, 2005

Yudhijit Bhattacharjee, Science Offers Insight Into Why Some People Are Especially Nice (Or Not), National Geographic, January 2018

John Ford is a seasoned workplace mediator and conflict resolution coach with three decades of experience. He is the author of "Peace at Work: The HR Manager’s Guide to Workplace Mediation" and the creator of several tools designed to enhance empathy and communication in mediation, including The Empathy Set™ of cards. John teaches negotiation and mediation at UC Law SF and has trained professionals across various sectors. His innovative approach to mediation focuses on structured processes that address both the relational and substantive aspects of conflict, empowering clients to achieve lasting resolutions.

Emotional Avoidance: The Hidden Crisis in Our Lives

“When we close the door to our feelings, we close the door to the vital currents that energize and activate our thoughts and actions.”
— Gary Zukav

One of the most pervasive challenges we face, whether in our personal lives, workplaces, or broader communities, is emotional avoidance. This behavior—where we actively avoid feeling and processing our emotions—has far-reaching consequences that can leave relationships strained, workplaces toxic, and our personal growth stunted.

Emotional avoidance is the pattern of sidestepping our emotions, either by suppressing them or by overreacting in ways that distract from the underlying feelings. Ideally, we should allow our emotions to be felt fully in the present moment, letting them inform our decisions and then releasing them. However, when we avoid our emotions, they don't simply disappear. Instead, they linger, creating what many refer to as "emotional baggage," which can weigh us down and affect our future interactions.

The Cost of Emotional Avoidance

Dr. Mark Atkinson describes the cost of emotional avoidance succinctly:
“If I had to single out just one factor that represented the most common block to personal growth it would be this—emotion avoidance. Put simply, fear of feeling our emotions is pandemic amongst human beings and for many people at the heart of broken relationships, low levels of intimacy, unhappiness, unexplained bodily symptoms, and devitalization.”

We often fear our emotions, particularly those we label as negative—anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, and contempt. But in reality, all emotions carry important information that can guide our actions and decisions. By avoiding these emotions, we miss out on the insights they provide, leading to unresolved tensions and, ultimately, to dysfunctional relationships and environments.

The Two Faces of Emotional Avoidance

Emotional avoidance generally manifests in two broad strategies, each tied to our natural fight-or-flight response:

1. The Avoiders: These individuals tend to ignore or suppress their unwanted emotions. They bottle up their feelings, keeping them under wraps until they eventually spill over in passive-aggressive behaviors—missed deadlines, "forgetting" tasks, or intentional inefficiency. Often, these behaviors aren't even recognized by the avoiders themselves, making the problem even more insidious.

2. The Fighters: On the other end of the spectrum are those who fear losing control of their emotions, especially anger. These individuals may be well aware of their feelings but are terrified of them. When triggered, they may lash out, later regretting their words or actions. Their emotional flooding overwhelms them, making it hard to see situations clearly and respond appropriately.

Both strategies are equally problematic, and neither is more mature or evolved than the other. The truth is, we are all in this together, navigating the murky waters of emotional avoidance.

The Cultural Collusion with Avoidance

Despite the personal and relational costs, emotional avoidance is often encouraged by cultural norms. We tell people to "check their emotions at the door" or to "not bring feelings to work." Children are socialized to deny what they feel, often instructed to apologize when they don’t mean it, to smile when they’re sad, or to say "thank you" when they’re angry.

This widespread cultural message perpetuates the cycle of avoidance. Those who suppress their feelings may not even realize the impact of their actions, while those who express their emotions often face social reprimand for being too "emotional."

Where Do We Begin?

The crisis of emotional avoidance is a collective one, and no one is immune. The first step toward addressing this issue is awareness. Recognizing whether you tend toward avoidance or confrontation when triggered gives you the power to make different choices.

Ask yourself:

• How aware are you of your own emotional patterns?

• Do you tend to avoid or confront when emotions run high?

• How comfortable are you in expressing your feelings and asserting yourself?

• How effectively do you engage in conflict?

And consider these questions for those around you, whether in your personal relationships or professional environment. Emotional intelligence, or the lack thereof, impacts all our interactions, and as long as we continue to swim in the waters of emotional avoidance, it will be difficult to address underlying toxicity in any context.

Conclusion

Emotional avoidance is more than just a personal challenge; it’s a widespread issue that affects every aspect of our lives. From the workplace to our homes, the fear of feeling can lead to a culture of disconnection and dysfunction. It’s time we start addressing this hidden crisis, recognizing our patterns, and finding ways to reconnect with our emotions in a healthy, constructive manner. Only then can we begin to heal our relationships, foster genuine connection, and create environments where emotional intelligence is valued and nurtured.

Needs And Requests

By David Steele, The Rocky Mountain Compassionate Communication Network

"I need you to pick up your room."

We often conflate needs and requests (at least in North American White Culture). Before studying NVC the above sentence seemed perfectly reasonable to me. I now see it as containing two components: 1) a need for order or cleanliness, and 2) a request to pick up the room.

We speak of needs as universal, as a yearning or value that can manifest through a variety of actions or situations. A need is general and flexible, while a request is time-bound, specific, and doable.

Needs exist as a potential that can express in innumerable ways. Requests reflect an intention to bring that potential into actuality - a specific, time-bound manifestation. To paraphrase Marshall Rosenberg, when we attach satisfying a need to a specific action, the request is likely to become a demand, and we take an abundant universe and make it very scarce very quickly.

I sometimes think of needs as a life force in the same way that gravity is a physical force. When an apple hangs from a tree the effects of gravity are not so visible. At a specific moment of time, the apple falls and the impact of gravity becomes very visible. Recognizing gravity and its impact made Issac Newton a household name and was critical to the development of technological civilization.

Similarly, I believe that recognizing needs and their impact on human behavior is as liberating to the human spirit as understanding gravity was to liberating human physical comfort by advancing technology.

We do not doubt gravity, wondering if sometimes it will be there and sometimes it will not. Needs are as ever-present and consistent as gravity. When we learn to trust the deep yearnings they hold and be open to them, rather than attached to outcome, we find the courage to make requests and trust in the abundance offered by the world of natural giving that Marshall described: the world waiting for us when we practice the consciousness of NVC.

The Rocky Mountain Compassionate Communication Network

Founded in 2009, RMCCN promotes and supports the awareness, education and practice of Compassionate Communication, a powerful and easy-to-understand way of listening to and communicating with ourselves and others. Based in Colorado, but serving the whole Rocky Mountain region, RMCCN maintains a community calendar, offers trainings, supports practice groups, provides mediation and consulting services, and sponsors an online community to connect and support people interested in NVC.

Neuroscience Meets Social and Emotional Learning podcast!

Interview by Andrea Samadi on 7/30/24

Welcome back to Season 12 of the Neuroscience Meets Social and Emotional Learning podcast! In episode number 340, host Andrea Samadi speaks with John Ford, an experienced workplace mediator and author of "Peace at Work: The HR Manager's Guide to Workplace Mediation." With a wealth of expertise in conflict resolution, emotional intelligence, and soft skills training, John shares his journey from practicing law to becoming a mediator. He discusses the importance of trust, effective communication, and addressing conflict head-on in both personal and professional settings. Discover practical tools like talking sticks and empathy cards, and learn how to apply neuroscience and emotional intelligence to navigate conflicts and improve workplace dynamics. Don't miss this insightful conversation that bridges the gap between science and everyday application!

Topics we will cover:

* The importance of acquiring Emotional Intelligence Skills for conflict resolution in our workplaces of the future.
* The influencers who inspired John Ford's work (Daniel Goleman, John Gottman, Ken Cloke and many more.
* Tools and resources to support Conflict Resolution in our workplaces.

Watch our interview on YouTube here https://lnkd.in/g5PE6v9N  or

Listen https://lnkd.in/gsiZZUsj  on Podbean.

hashtag#emotionalintelligence hashtag#JohnFord hashtag#schools hashtag#Sports hashtag#workplace hashtag#conflictresolution hashtag#SEL hashtag#neuroscience hashtag#softskills hashtag#empathy

Book Review: "The Emotion Thesaurus: A Writer's Guide to Character Expression" by Angela Ackerman and Becca Puglisi

In the realm of character development and emotional expression, "The Emotion Thesaurus" by Angela Ackerman and Becca Puglisi stands out as an invaluable resource for writers. This comprehensive guide delves into the nuanced world of emotions, offering a wealth of insights that elevate character portrayal to new heights. Each emotion entry is meticulously detailed, providing physical signals, internal sensations, mental responses, and long-term effects. This level of depth ensures that characters are not only believable but also resonate deeply with readers.

What sets this book apart is its focus on practical application. Writers are equipped with an array of body language cues, making it easier to show rather than tell emotions, a crucial aspect of compelling storytelling. Additionally, the inclusion of writing tips and example scenarios offers concrete ways to integrate these emotional cues seamlessly into narrative arcs.

For my project, which involves reviewing, editing, and expanding my own "Dictionary of Feelings and Needs," "The Emotion Thesaurus" will be a cornerstone resource. Its structured approach to cataloging emotions and the emphasis on authenticity align perfectly with the goals of creating a comprehensive and relatable dictionary. This thesaurus not only aids in the accurate depiction of emotions but also inspires new ways to think about and convey the complexity of human experiences.

Reflections on Inside Out 2

By Dr Paul Ekman

I had the privilege of serving as a scientific advisor to the first Inside Out movie and the pleasure of seeing the sequel last week along with family and friends. After the first movie came out, I wrote a Parents’ Guide and after enjoying the sequel, was inspired to write a few reflections.

The sequel of Inside Out includes the same emotion characters (joy, sadness, anger, disgust and fear) we got to know in the first installation, with the addition of a few new characters as Riley enters puberty.

Moving into adolescence

The onset of adolescence is depicted in the film by a demolition team. While this humorous metaphor captures the bold and sometimes unpredictable changes that occur in puberty, it is also important to note that adolescence does not “tear down” the emotional structures in place of childhood, though it certainly adds layers of complexity and emotional development for teenagers.

New emotion characters

The new emotions that make an appearance are: anxiety, embarrassment, envy and ennui. We also get a sneak peek at nostalgia, though the running joke is that it is not yet their time to appear. 

Anxiety

In Inside Out 2, the addition of anxiety plays an important role as a key character in the movie, and is introduced as a kind of “companion” character to fear. There is a line in the movie acknowledging the similarities between the characters, in which anxiety explains that fear’s role is to protect Riley from dangers that are seen, and that anxiety’s role is to protect Riley from dangers that are unseen. Anxiety focuses on future projections of possible failures, in the attempt to prepare and steer Riley in the direction of success and accomplishment. While many emotion scientists (myself included) wouldn’t distinguish anxiety as a separate emotion distinct from the larger family of fear-based emotions, creating a new character highlighting  anxiety adds to the storyline and takeaways from the film. 

Finding ways to embrace and temper anxiety, rather than let it solely “run the show” provides a powerful climax and denouement to the story. With the significant increase among teenagers of anxiety and depression, the character of anxiety provides a window into the intense period of self-consciousness and desire to be included in adolescence which underpins all of anxiety’s machinations for control. While in the movie we see this play out in real-time friendships, the social lives of many teens is played out largely online. We can feel the same intensity of emotions when worried about our social connections in person or online. 

Embarrassment

Embarrassment makes its entrance in the moments of the newly heightened self-consciousness often paired with adolescence. Embarrassment develops as we become more aware of our increasingly complex social norms and expectations and we try to find our ways of “fitting in” within it. This process is often highlighted during adolescence, a period of development marked by a growing sense of identity formation. Interestingly embarrassment also exhibits the most empathy and understanding for the exiled emotions, as a ‘self conscious’ embarrassment is tightly tied to our impression of others around us. While not scientifically tied to empathy, embarrassment shows a greater perspective taking than the rest of the newly joined puberty emotions.

Envy

Envy also plays an important role in a developing “sense of self” and “sense of place” within social structures, as the character reflects on the qualities and characteristics of others seen as valuable and desirable and tries to position Riley advantageously. Envy is shown to be connected with contempt. It is the upward/inflated comparison of another as better or having more, instead of disgust which is a downward/diminishing comparison of another being toxic. It could have been meaningful to consider contempt, which is where our negative social judgments often reside. Contempt is a feeling of superiority towards others, a judgment of being better or “one up”. Contempt and envy are likely an emotion intensified by social media which creates a perfect platform for persistent upward and downward comparison with friends and strangers.

Ennui

Ennui is an interesting addition, as it is also not considered to be a distinct emotion by many emotion scientists, though the value added to the storyline is clear. Ennui is a French word used to describe weariness, dissatisfaction, or boredom- states which are often experienced by teens, and sometimes confusing or frustrating to their parents. The character provides numerous moments of humor throughout the film, as Riley oscillates between anxious moments of overcompensating and ennui moments of  trying to “play it cool”. Ennui has obvious ties to contempt, described above, which I have often felt is a very teenage emotion. Many teens feel a sense of withering superiority towards their parents which can lead to the ennui (“no one understands and I can’t be bothered”) behavior seen in the film.

Sense of self

The movie also explores the expansion of core beliefs and sense of self, mirroring the growing complexity of identity formation and self reflection key in the developmental stages of adolescence and into adulthood. As with the first film, there is a meaningful, though scientifically inaccurate, portrayal of what is sometimes referred to in psychotherapy as our “internal working model” of self. Joy, as in the first movie, is trying to selectively curate the memories and ideas that constitute who Riley is, to be only the positive side of herself. Anxiety finds this “totally positive” view naive and hopelessly uncool, a social poison for Riley entering highschool. Anxiety attempts to create a new socially savvy working model but it is too self-centered and turns aggressive. Both Joy and Anxiety fail when they try to overly curate a sense of self. All of us (our most charismatic, empathic, as well as annoying and cringeworthy moments) are part of an ongoing narrative understanding of the fullness of who we are. 

More to explore

I can hope that Inside Out 3 could include compassion. While it is not exactly an emotion, it is a meaningful strategy for us to more fully embrace all of our emotions. Compassion meditations with our difficult emotions can help us see that ALL of us are in the same boat when it comes to our difficult emotions- and that we can be the friendly loving presence we offer to others when feeling stressed, sad, or overwhelmed. Cultivating Emotional Balance, a training I co-created with Alan Wallace and which has been led by my daughter Eve Ekman is another resource for deepening our understanding of emotions through mapping individual emotion experience and applying mindfulness to our experience. Some of these tools are also available through the Atlas of Emotion website. 

All in all, it was a joy to watch and feel along with Inside Out 2.

If you haven’t already, check out the original A Parents’ Guide to Disney-Pixar’s Inside Out.

Paul Ekman is a well-known psychologist and co-discoverer of micro expressions. He was named one of the 100 most influential people in the world by TIME magazine in 2009. He has worked with many government agencies, domestic and abroad. Dr. Ekman has compiled over 50 years of his research to create comprehensive training tools to read the hidden emotions of those around you.

Embrace Empathetic Listening with Perspective-Getting

In our fast-paced world, genuine listening often gets overshadowed by the rush to speak and be heard. Jamil Zaki, a professor of psychology at Stanford University, highlights a transformative approach in his article, "How to Become a More Empathetic Listener"

The piece delves into the nuances of empathy, particularly focusing on the distinction between perspective-taking and perspective-getting. Let's explore how embracing these concepts can enhance our communication and deepen our connections.

“Too often, we treat empathy as a performance. Trying to show how well we understand people, we end up missing the cues that could help us truly connect. Perspective-getting leans into another idea: Every conversation is a joint project, done best when we make space to learn from one another.”

— • Jamil Zaki

Understanding the Concept:

Traditionally, empathy has been associated with "perspective-taking" – the act of imagining oneself in another's shoes. While this can foster generosity and reduce prejudice, it's not without flaws. Jamil Zaki points out that perspective-taking can lead to what researchers call "perspective mistaking," where our assumptions about others' feelings are biased and inaccurate. Instead, he advocates for "perspective-getting," a collaborative effort where active listening and asking questions play a crucial role.

The Power of Perspective-Getting:

Perspective-getting is more precise and effective than perspective-taking. It involves engaging with others to truly understand their experiences, leading to better communication and stronger relationships. This method is particularly powerful for leaders and professionals, as it helps them connect with their teams and clients on a deeper level. Techniques like "looping," where one paraphrases what they've heard and seeks confirmation, can significantly enhance understanding and trust.

Connecting to the Empathy Set App:

The Empathy Set app is designed to facilitate exactly this kind of empathetic engagement. By using the app's tools, such as the feelings and needs cards, users can practice perspective-getting in a structured way. These features encourage users to ask questions, listen actively, and reflect on their conversations, promoting genuine understanding and emotional intelligence.

Encouraging Reflection and Growth:

We encourage you to integrate these insights into your daily interactions. Next time you find yourself in a conversation, try to focus on listening without planning your response. Use the Empathy Set app to guide your questions and ensure you are truly hearing the other person. After your conversation, reflect on what you've learned and how your understanding has evolved.

Closing Remarks:

Embracing empathetic listening through perspective-getting is a journey of continuous learning and personal growth. By committing to this practice, you can enrich your relationships and foster a more empathetic and understanding environment. Remember, every conversation is an opportunity to connect, learn, and grow.

A Dictionary of Feelings and Needs: Feedback Project Word of the Day: Afraid

Word of the Day: Afraid

Definition:
Afraid is a feeling of fear, dread, or apprehension in response to a perceived threat or impending danger.

Synonyms:

• Fearful

• Apprehensive

• Scared

• Terrified

Exploring the Significance of "Afraid":

The word "afraid" encapsulates a vital aspect of our emotional landscape. It's designed to guard us against danger and loss, whether physical or psychological. This feeling alerts us to remove ourselves from danger and to apply our protective strategies. However, being afraid can also cause people to cower and struggle with making decisions, partly due to the inability to focus on what is possible.

Quotes on Being Afraid:

1. "Don't be afraid of your fears. They're not there to scare you. They're there to let you know that something is worth it." – C. JoyBell C.

2. "The brave person is not one who does not feel afraid, but one who conquers that fear." – Nelson Mandela

3. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." – Franklin D. Roosevelt

Should We Use "Fear" Instead?

An interesting discussion arises when we consider whether "fear" might be a more appropriate term. Fear and afraid are closely related, but there are nuances. Fear can be both a noun and a verb, describing the emotion and the act of experiencing it. Afraid, on the other hand, is specifically an adjective, describing a state of being. How do these differences impact our understanding and expression of this emotion?

Physical vs. Psychological Fear:

It's important to distinguish between physical and psychological fear. Physical fear is a response to a tangible threat, like an oncoming car or a dangerous animal. Psychological fear, however, is rooted in our thoughts and perceptions, such as fear of failure or rejection. Understanding this distinction can help us address our fears more effectively.

Devil's Advocate: Is This Definition Accurate?

Playing devil's advocate, one might ask if the definition of "afraid" as merely a response to a perceived threat or impending danger is sufficient. Does it capture the full depth of the emotion? For instance, could "afraid" also encompass a chronic state of anxiety that doesn't always have a clear source? Or does it imply a level of immediacy that chronic anxiety lacks?

Exploring Synonyms:

The synonyms for "afraid"—fearful, apprehensive, scared, and terrified—each carry unique nuances and degrees of intensity. "Fearful" often implies a general state of anxiety or concern, while "apprehensive" suggests a more specific anticipation of something unfavorable. "Scared" is a more immediate, visceral reaction to danger, and "terrified" represents an extreme, overwhelming fear. As you reflect on these synonyms, consider their subtle differences and how they resonate with your experiences. Do these words capture the essence of "afraid," or are there other synonyms like "alarmed," "frightened," or "panicked" that better capture its essence? We invite you to share your suggestions and contribute to the ongoing refinement of this entry.

Your Turn:

We invite you to reflect on the word "afraid." Do you think the definition provided here is accurate? Should we consider replacing it with "fear"? How do you experience the difference between physical and psychological fear? Share your thoughts and help us refine this entry in our Dictionary of Feelings and Needs.

Your feedback is invaluable. Please share your insights in the comments or email us at dictionary@empathyset.com.

Let’s build this emotional lexicon together!

A Dictionary of Feelings and Needs: Feedback Project

Welcome to our journey of enriching this specialized dictionary which exists to guide the exploration and expression of the complex tapestry of human feelings and needs, particularly crafted to enhance empathy, emotional literacy, and relational harmony. One post at a time, we will delve into a specific entry, sharing the definition and four synonyms from the dictionary, as well as other contextual information about the particular feeling or need to promote open exploration. Our goal is to continuously improve the quality and accuracy of the entries, and to consider words that should be added or removed to provide a richer vocabulary for your emotional intelligence toolkit. Your feedback and insights are invaluable in shaping this dynamic dictionary. Share your thoughts and help us create a living resource that truly reflects our shared human experience.

Your feedback is invaluable. Please share your insights in the comments or email us at dictionary@empathyset.com.

Let’s build this emotional lexicon together!

Embracing Emotionality: Foundational Beliefs About Our Emotions

Emotions play a crucial role in our lives, shaping our experiences, decisions, and actions. By understanding and embracing our emotionality, we can lead more fulfilling and authentic lives. Here are some foundational beliefs about emotionality that highlight its importance:

1. Human Beings Are Emotional and Emotions Are Part of an Open System Emotions are integral to our human experience. They are not isolated or static but part of an open system that interacts with our environment, thoughts, and behaviors. This interconnectedness means that our emotional responses are influenced by and influence the world around us.

2. All Emotions Are Valid, Despite Our Labels of Negative and Positive Society often labels emotions as either negative or positive, but in reality, all emotions are valid and serve a purpose. Anger, sadness, joy, and fear all provide valuable information about our needs and experiences. By accepting all our emotions without judgment, we can better understand ourselves and others.

3. Emotions Provide Vital Decision-Making Information Emotions are not just feelings to be ignored or suppressed; they are essential sources of information that guide our decision-making processes. Emotions alert us to what is important, what needs attention, and what actions we might consider taking. Ignoring our emotions can lead to poor decisions and missed opportunities for growth.

4. Emotions Provide Energy for Action but Are Not the Same as Behavior While emotions can drive us to act, they are distinct from our behaviors. Recognizing this distinction allows us to harness the energy that emotions provide without being controlled by them. We can choose how to respond to our emotions in ways that are constructive and aligned with our values.

5. Emotion Drives Reason More Than Reason Drives Emotion Contrary to the belief that reason should always prevail over emotion, research shows that our emotions often drive our reasoning processes. Emotions provide the context and urgency that shape our thoughts and decisions. By acknowledging this, we can better integrate our emotional and rational selves.

6. We Can Choose How We Relate to Our Feelings While we may not always control our initial emotional responses, we can choose how we relate to and manage these feelings. Developing emotional intelligence and self-awareness helps us respond to our emotions in healthy and productive ways, fostering resilience and well-being.

7. We Change When We Allow Ourselves to Feel Personal growth and transformation occur when we allow ourselves to fully experience and process our emotions. Suppressing or avoiding emotions can hinder our development and lead to emotional stagnation. Embracing our feelings, on the other hand, opens the door to healing, learning, and change.

In conclusion, understanding and embracing our emotionality is key to leading a balanced and fulfilling life. By recognizing the validity and importance of our emotions, we can use them as a guide to make better decisions, take meaningful actions, and foster personal growth.

What Inside Out 2 Reveals About the Diversity of Emotions

The new Pixar film explores adolescence by bringing its complicated feelings to life.

BY DEMOND HILL JR. | JUNE 18, 2024

In 2015, Inside Out hit theaters and soon became renowned for its creative and scientific brilliance. In the movie, nine-year-old girl Riley moves with her mother and father from Minnesota to San Francisco, which means she needs to navigate a new life–social, school, and home.

The emotion characters from Inside Out 2: Ennui, Anxiety, Embarrassment, Envy, Joy, Fear, Disgust, Anger, Sadness

Riley’s primary emotions become characters in the movie, each with their own personalities: Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust. The story largely takes place inside Riley’s head, in a place called Headquarters, where these emotions work together to help her to find her way in a new city–and to achieve a balanced emotional state.

Inside Out is more than just an animated film. It’s a thoughtful and profound exploration of the human emotional experience, highlighting the importance of all emotions, not just happiness, for one’s positive well-being. By creatively and empathetically portraying the inner workings of Riley’s mind, Inside Out reminds us that understanding and embracing our emotions while prioritizing positive relationships fosters a sense of safety and belonging despite the challenges we encounter.

This past Friday, Pixar released a sequel to Inside Out. In part two, Riley is now thirteen years old and she’s pushed into a new development stage, which brings to life new emotions inside of her: Anxiety, Ennui, Nostalgia, and Embarrassment, each one a complex character in its own right. She is changing. Her body is changing. Her mind is changing. Her social world is changing. As time passes and interactions unfold, her body or emotions keep the score and are reflected in her everyday behaviors. On her journey, Riley feels true pain, hurt, remorse, and, most importantly, grief—the grief of her past self–and the grace required to heal, along with the challenges of unconditionally loving the new self.

As many Greater Good readers already know, Pixar turned to the Greater Good Science Center and our faculty director (and my mentor), Dacher Ketlner, for help in grounding Inside Out and its sequel in the science of emotion. And indeed, science and art converge ever so gently in these two movies, reminding us of our innermost and outer (childlike) selves. But, when you look closer to the margins, major question is raised as a critical emotion science scholar: what does the new movie reveal about the science of our emotions, and what or who was left out of the film?

The beauty of emotion science on screen

While many scientists agree that emotions are universal and inherited, more and more scholars see how they are expressed as very social. These researchers study how our daily interactions with others shape our feelings, thoughts, and actions.

In the film, Riley’s emotions are influenced by her interactions with others and her social environment, like a hockey camp with high-school girls. Riley is shown to be easily influenced by the social expectations around her. The first Inside Out movie suggests that emotions are linked to past experiences, especially in how childhood experiences shape our understanding of feelings, ourselves, and the world.

In the new movie, Riley’s emotions intensify as she tries to maintain her relationships with her best friends while trying to impress a new group of friends. This storyline demonstrates how social expectations and norms affect our emotions and behavior as Riley shifts between the two groups.

The film emphasizes that emotions are key to communication, and her emotions help Riley build and repair relationships with her peers. Emotions/characters like Fear, Disgust, Anger, and Embarrassment act as signals to protect her in different situations, like pulling away after realizing she held her friend Val’s hand for too long. Inside Out 2 clearly shows that emotions are social and serve social functions, demonstrating that our interactions, cultural backgrounds, and everyday experiences shape our feelings.

There are also sociological perspectives on emotions. In the early 1980s, sociologists focused on feelings and emotions, exploring their role in human motivation and social structures. Many argue that emotions are inherited and biological but still shaped by historical, social, and political contexts. Although Inside Out 2 doesn’t explicitly follow this sociological view, it aligns with Arlie Hochschild’s “Emotional Labor” and “Feeling Rules” concepts.

Emotional Labor is about managing feelings and behaviors to show certain emotions publicly, often to fit in or be accepted. Feeling Rules are social guidelines that tell us how and when to feel certain emotions, varying across different contexts. In the film, Riley adjusts her emotions to get positive reactions from others, and she follows social-feeling rules, which increases her anxiety.

That concept is rarely applied to children, but my own “Emotion as Play” research examines how young African American people use Emotional Labor and Feeling Rules. Watching the film, I realized that emotional labor is like a weight people carry, and they need social, emotional, and physical effort to manage it. Riley’s struggles with moving into different spheres and fitting into them show how these pressures build up over time, affecting her deeply. In this way, Inside Out 2 highlights that adolescence is a critical time when mental health issues often become more noticeable and intense.

The scientific power of the humanities

Inside Out 2 is such a beautiful display of science and art. It opens our minds to possibilities and reminds us of how central emotions are to our humanity. However, the film missed a vital opportunity to bring to light the real stars of the show, who seemed to have been pushed out on the margins. Just where are Love, Grace, and Empathy?

While some argue that love is not an emotion in the strictest scientific sense, both science and the humanities have long considered Love–along with Grace, and Empathy–as crucial to the development of communities of wellness. By using research from the humanities, we can see how they appear in the film and how they could help build families and communities that focus on mental health and well-being. Inside Out 2 hints at these deeper connections and helps us to understand what they reveal about ourselves and each other–and they led me to reflect on how the movie highlights certain concepts from science and the humanities

A Critical Love Ethic: This is a conception of love that requires truth, understanding, and acceptance. Through her various moments, Riley was forced to sit with herself–as she spent time tossing and turning in her bed alone, her mind working, her emotions intense. It seemed like the only thing that freed her from herself and the expectation of her environment was love from her best friends Bree (of African descent) and Grace (of Asian descent). These two possess what thinkers like bell hooks, James Baldwin, and Toni Morrison refer to as a Critical Love Ethic.

As bell hooks outlines, Riley is suffering from the oppressive forces of societal expectation or pressure that led to the distortion of her sense of self and, most importantly, her connection to herself. Critical Love Ethic is a counter-cultural idea that argues for collective resistance to the social norms, feelings rules, and social expectations that lead to the suppression of emotions to help create a society of human flourishing. A Critical Love Ethic equates love with strength, courage, and truth, which was displayed beautifully by both Bree and Grace as they, through the power of love, bridge differences and provide Riley the reassurance to feel safe but held accountable for her behavior without further embarrassment.

Although I yearned for love throughout the film, I found my moments and rejoiced in it because I had the chance to witness young people practice a Critical Love Ethic. Integrating love into children’s or youth films is not a superficial act but a radical act of care, compassion, and belonging that will have the power to change the world around us for all.

Grace Abundance: Grace is a multifaceted concept that encompasses love, gentleness, and a sense of inner peace and disrupts traditional definitions. In many eyes, Grace is something we all need to show others and show ourselves as the world around us gets faster and more complex. Many of us have the weight of the world on our shoulders–with stress compounding and trauma continuing to increase, taking a tremendous toll on our mental health. We are sometimes hardest on ourselves –when we do not meet expectations and deadlines or show up as our best selves. Grace is the ability to slow down, get grounded, and speak life into the nooks and crannies of your imperfections–because for others, your imperfections are beautiful, too.

Riley needs some Grace (literally and emotionally) in her life to ease the weight she carries trying to be all the things all at once. But, as marginalized groups have always done due to the realities of an unjust world, we rely on unique, often not spoken or understood emotions to uplift and, at times, resist in order to thrive. Riley’s best friends extend Grace to her, reminding her that their love is unwavering, that their care is unconditional, and that it will simply be okay. It seems to me that Inside Out 2 missed an opportunity in not explicitly naming and making space for Grace in Riley’s story.

Empathetic Desires: Empathy is the ability to understand why someone feels the way they do, why they are doing the things they do, and how that is informed by who they are as an entire person (e.g., identity, lived experiences, upbringing). Empathy requires sensitivity to the world, a desire for a deep sense of connection, and acknowledgment that other people are different from you and have different feelings.

When individuals truly understand and feel what someone else is going through, they are more likely to offer support, comfort, or assistance. This compassionate response is fundamental in nurturing and sustaining personal and professional relationships. Riley, through her ups and downs, is extended empathy by those around her, even those who she is trying to impress, like her new friend Val, who was a simultaneous source of anxiety and comfort.

Despite Riley’s awkward and quirky behavior, Val is gentle to her, comforts her, celebrates her, and cares for her. She simply wants Riley to be herself and not conform to the expectations that are both explicit and implicit. In the end, Inside Out 2 reminds me of James Baldwin’s liberating words in The Fire Next Time: “Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. I use the word love here not merely in the personal sense but as a state of being or a state of grace—not in the infantile American sense of being made happy but in the tough and universal sense of quest and daring and growth.”

Demond Hill Jr.

Demond Hill Jr. is a Ph.D. candidate in the Department of Social Welfare at the University of California, Berkeley. His research focuses on the mental health and emotional well-being of Black children and youth, their families, and communities.

© 2024 The Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley