Resonant vs. Discordant Leadership: Navigating the Balance Between Connection and Accountability

By John Ford

“Leaders must step in to resolve task and process issues when employees can't manage them independently. They can’t afford to turn a blind eye when they notice things going off track.”

This statement captures a core challenge of leadership today. It’s no longer just about meeting deadlines or hitting targets; modern leadership requires understanding and managing the emotional landscape of a team. Leaders who prioritize being agreeable or playing "Mr. Nice" may find that, over time, standards slip and problems grow. Yet, those who step in to address issues often risk being labeled as micromanagers, viewed as overbearing or overly controlling.

It’s a tricky balance to maintain, and many leaders feel stuck between these two extremes, unsure how to strike the right note. However, mastering this balance is crucial, as successful leadership lies in fostering a culture of trust and collaboration without compromising on accountability. The best leaders navigate this challenge with skill, creating environments where issues are addressed constructively, and team members feel both supported and empowered.

The Challenge of Looking the Other Way

Choosing to look the other way to maintain harmony is a common yet risky move. Leaders who avoid conflict may think they are preserving team morale, but the consequences can be severe. Emotional dissonance starts to spread, and signs of a dysfunctional team emerge:

  1. Grimaces and Anger: When frustrations go unaddressed, they manifest as tension and negativity, often impacting the whole team.

  2. Fear and Apathy: Inconsistencies in enforcing standards lead to a culture of uncertainty and disengagement, where employees feel disconnected from their work.

  3. Sullen Silence and Cynicism: Over time, the silence of unresolved issues becomes a breeding ground for cynicism and passive resistance.

  4. Doubt and Insincerity: When leaders aren’t transparent or consistent, employees start doubting their sincerity, undermining trust.

  5. Resentment and Contempt: The workplace becomes toxic, filled with unresolved grievances and growing discontent.

When leaders avoid taking action, hoping things improve on their own, they often achieve the opposite. The dissonance spreads, standards decline, and the overall team culture suffers.

The Perils of Being Seen as a Micromanager

Yet, addressing issues head-on brings its own set of challenges. Leaders who speak up and hold people accountable may be perceived as micromanagers, which can alienate their team. This is the fine line leaders must walk: How do you enforce high standards without making your team feel controlled or untrusted?

This tension leaves many leaders feeling stuck, unsure of how to proceed. The fear of being viewed as a threat can be paralyzing. But the best leaders find a way to navigate this delicate balance. They don’t compromise on emotional connection, nor do they shy away from setting expectations. Instead, they become masters of communication and empathy.

The Power of Resonant Leadership

The key to resolving this dilemma lies in resonant leadership. Resonant leaders understand the emotional currents running through their teams and use this awareness to address problems constructively. Here’s what effective resonance looks like:

  1. Smiles and Laughter: These are indicators of a workplace where people feel genuinely happy and connected. Leaders who foster joy and warmth create a positive and engaging culture.

  2. Spirited and Delightful Energy: When employees feel inspired and motivated, it’s because leaders have aligned the work environment with people’s passions and strengths.

  3. Confidence and Trust: Resonant leaders build trust by being authentic, transparent, and consistent. They don’t shy away from tough conversations but handle them with empathy and respect.

  4. Engagement and Commitment: Employees are most engaged when they feel that their work has meaning and that their leader is invested in their growth.

These leaders do address deviations from expected standards, but they do so in a way that feels supportive rather than punitive. By framing feedback constructively and being genuinely invested in their employees' success, they avoid being perceived as micromanagers. Instead, they become seen as reliable and empowering.

Navigating the Balance: Practical Strategies

So, how do you become a resonant leader? It starts with developing emotional intelligence and using tools like The Empathy Set to better understand your team’s needs. Here are a few strategies:

  1. Stay Present and Aware: Regularly check in with your team to gauge the emotional atmosphere. Are smiles and laughter present, or is there a sullen silence? Use this awareness to inform your leadership decisions.

  2. Address Issues Promptly, but Kindly: When you see a problem, don’t let it fester. However, approach it from a place of curiosity and empathy rather than judgment or control.

  3. Be Transparent and Authentic: Share the reasons behind your decisions and show vulnerability where appropriate. This builds trust and shows that your actions come from a place of genuine care.

  4. Frame Feedback as Growth: Instead of framing issues as failures, discuss them as opportunities for development. This way, your team sees you as a supportive guide rather than an enforcer.

Ultimately, resonant leaders know how to make tough decisions without compromising on emotional connection. They foster a culture of both high standards and deep trust, inspiring their teams to engage fully and deliver their best work.

Leadership is never simple, but by mastering the art of resonant leadership, you can transform your team’s dynamic and create lasting positive change.

How are you balancing the need for connection and accountability in your leadership role? Share your experiences and reflections below!

Rage Rooms: Exploring Their Impact on Anger and Emotional Well-Being

When my nephew suggested we visit a rage room during his recent visit, I hesitated. The idea of smashing things to relieve anger seemed at odds with the approach I teach in conflict resolution—one that values emotional awareness, empathy, and constructive communication. But after learning more about the science behind rage rooms, I realized that their popularity speaks to a larger issue in how we deal with anger and frustration.

Rage rooms, or "anger rooms," allow people to release pent-up emotions by smashing objects in a controlled environment. While they offer a temporary sense of relief, research suggests that such actions may not provide lasting benefits, and may even reinforce harmful emotional patterns.

Instant Relief vs. Long-Term Impact

In the moment, smashing objects can feel like a satisfying way to release tension. The physical act of breaking things may provide immediate relief from frustration, but the effects are usually short-lived. Mental health experts argue that venting anger through physical aggression, such as in rage rooms, can actually make anger worse over time. Rather than helping people manage their emotions, it reinforces a cycle of reactive behavior, making it more likely that individuals will respond with aggression in future stressful situations.

The Importance of Emotional Literacy

Instead of focusing on venting anger, it's more effective to understand it. Emotional literacy—recognizing and naming our feelings—allows us to better understand the root causes of our emotions and take proactive steps to address them. Identifying what we are truly feeling, such as frustration or fear, can help us respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively.

Mindful communication and reflective practices offer a deeper, more sustainable approach to emotional regulation. Specifically, tools like the Empathy Set—whether through its flash cards, dictionary, or app—help individuals slow down and connect with their feelings and needs. By providing prompts that guide emotional awareness, the Empathy Set creates space for more thoughtful responses, promoting healthier communication and better conflict resolution

The Problem with Venting Anger

While rage rooms might provide temporary relief, research shows that acting out anger physically can reinforce a cycle of aggression. Studies have found that people who vent their anger aggressively are more likely to react with violence when faced with anger in the future. This reinforces the idea that aggression is an appropriate way to deal with frustration, rather than encouraging healthier coping mechanisms.

In contrast, emotional awareness and reflective practices can help individuals move beyond knee-jerk reactions. By focusing on the underlying needs driving our emotions, we can engage in conversations that promote understanding and resolution, rather than escalating the situation.

Healthier Alternatives for Stress Relief

There are more effective ways to manage anger and stress that don't involve venting through aggression. Practices like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and cognitive restructuring can help calm the mind and body without reinforcing negative emotional patterns. These strategies encourage a proactive approach to managing stress, enabling individuals to respond more calmly and thoughtfully in difficult situations.

Instead of relying on quick fixes like rage rooms, developing emotional awareness and healthier coping strategies can lead to long-term emotional well-being. When we take the time to reflect on our emotions and understand their origins, we can address them more constructively.

Rage Rooms: Fun or Unhealthy?

While rage rooms might seem like a fun way to blow off steam, it's important to be aware of their potential drawbacks. They can provide an outlet for frustration, but without addressing the root causes of anger, they may just reinforce harmful emotional habits. For some, the experience may serve as a novelty or an opportunity for bonding, but it's crucial not to rely on such outlets as a long-term solution for managing stress.

Conclusion: Building Emotional Awareness for Lasting Change

Ultimately, while rage rooms may offer a temporary escape, they don't provide the tools needed for long-term emotional growth. Developing emotional literacy—understanding our feelings and responding to them constructively—is key to fostering healthier relationships and creating a more harmonious environment. By choosing mindful strategies for emotional expression, we can transform our anger into a catalyst for growth rather than allowing it to fester and explode in destructive ways.

74. Mastering Emotions in Midlife: Breaking Free from Emotional Eating, Voicing Needs and Setting Boundaries with John Ford

Welcome to Episode 74 of the Emotional Eats Podcast!

I enjoyed a deep and insightful conversation with John Ford, a mediator and expert in conflict resolution, emotional literacy, and empathy. John shares his personal journey, starting in apartheid South Africa, where he was driven to pursue law to foster change. However, his path shifted toward mediation, focusing on resolving conflicts through emotional awareness and relational harmony. This evolution in his career led him to become a workplace mediator, with a particular emphasis on emotional intelligence.

Listen to the podcast here.

Empathy Steps

By Marshall Rosenberg, Ph. D.

From Getting Past the Pain Between Us: Healing and Reconciliation without Compromise

1

First, empathy requires presence, a focus on what is alive in the other person at this moment, on their feelings and needs.

2

Second, empathy requires checking things out with the other person, making sure you're connecting with their feelings and needs.

Each step mentioned so far can be done silently: being fully present, having your attention on the other person's feelings and needs. Or, we could check in verbally, reflect out loud what we sense the feelings and needs are.

3

The third step for empathizing is to stay with the person until they give you signs that they're finished.

4

The fourth step doesn't happen until the relief is felt. During the empathy process, if every time I understand something and they come back with, "Yes, and blah blah blah," that is a signal that they need more empathy. But when I feel this relief in tension, when I see that the person has stopped talking, chances are they've had the empathy they've need.

But I always like to triple check by saying to them, "Is there more that you'd like to say?" I've learned to be very slow in shifting the attention away from the other person to myself.

5

The fifth step, then, is to empathize with their "post-empathic" request, that something extra they want, but often don't know how to ask for. So if, after the empathy, I see them looking at me, I usually say, "Would you like to hear how I feel about what you said?" It's a very human thing to want to know how what you've given has affected the other person. Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't want to hear how I feel.

934: Harnessing CONFLICT, PEACE, and a culture of resolutions for team success w/ John Ford

A PODCAST With Brian Lofrumento

What if conflict could be the key to your entrepreneurial success? Join us as we welcome John Ford, a conflict resolution expert with a remarkable background ranging from law practice in Namibia to involvement in UN-led peace processes. John’s insights will transform the way you perceive and handle conflicts, turning them from obstacles into opportunities for growth and communication. Learn how his journey to the United States led him to specialize in workplace mediation, where he developed unique tools like the empathy set and talking sticks that are revolutionizing how businesses resolve disputes.

Gain practical strategies for addressing conflicts early and preventing them from escalating, a crucial skill for any entrepreneur. John emphasizes the power of constructive communication and the importance of understanding subtle emotions in negotiation scenarios. Discover how building human connections and establishing fairness can lead to win-win solutions, and why empathy and an objective perspective are essential for achieving just outcomes. Whether you’re negotiating a deal or resolving a workplace issue, John’s approach will equip you with the skills to handle conflicts effectively.

Explore the creation of a culture of resolution in your business by building trust and honoring all perspectives involved in disputes. John shares his wisdom on using emotional intelligence to make conflicts productive and how the immigrant experience shapes an entrepreneurial mindset. Through practical examples and tools like feelings and needs cards, you’ll see how structured communication can lead to mutually beneficial solutions. Don’t miss this episode filled with invaluable insights and techniques that will elevate your conflict resolution skills and foster better communication within your entrepreneurial journey.

To watch:

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Brian Lofrumento: Wantrepreneur to Entrepreneur

Born in 2016, The Wantrepreneur to Entrepreneur Podcast is one of the top business podcasts in the world. With over 750 episodes and counting at the beginning of 2024, Wantrepreneur to Entrepreneur has been inspiring and helping entrepreneurs in over 150 countries, and in addition to being ranked as one of the top 200 business and marketing shows in top charts around the world, the show is ranked as a top 1.5% podcast globally.

Listeners enjoy our engaging (and VERY excitable!) style of delivering top-class business, marketing, sales, strategy, tactics, and mindset content from our show host Brian Lofrumento, who first and foremost is an entrepreneur himself having started his first business at the age of 19 (more on that crazy story in a bit!).

The Wantrepreneur to Entrepreneur Podcast brings listeners five new episodes every week, featuring content that is meant to inspire you, uplift you, remind you that you're NEVER alone in this entrepreneurial journey, and of course features actionable takeaways, ideas, and strategies that you can implement fast to get more results in your own entrepreneurial journey.

The Neuroscience of Empathy: A Key Skill for Mediators

Empathy is more than just a concept or an abstract ideal; it’s a fundamental part of our human nature, deeply embedded in our biology. Neuroscience reveals that empathy plays a crucial role in how we connect with others, allowing us to understand and share their feelings and needs. For mediators, this skill is indispensable—not only as a tool for resolving conflict but also for fostering trust and emotional understanding between conflicting parties.

In this article, we’ll explore the neuroscience behind empathy, its definition and components, and how mediators can cultivate and apply this skill to enhance their practice.

The Empathy Network in Our Brains

Empathy is hardwired into our brains, with research revealing the biological roots of this powerful skill. One of the key players in this process is a set of neurons called mirror neurons. According to Don Joseph Gowey, "Mirror neurons generate empathy, which is the opposite experience of judging and condemning." When we see someone experiencing an emotion—whether it’s joy, sorrow, or frustration—these mirror neurons activate, allowing us to feel a version of that emotion within ourselves. This neurological mechanism helps explain why we often find ourselves moved by the pain or happiness of others.

The brain circuits involved in empathy demonstrate how different regions work together to respond to others' experiences. For example, the somatosensory cortex enables us to physically sense and react to another person’s pain, while the superior temporal sulcus helps us mirror their actions and emotions. These interconnected areas allow us to perceive and connect with others on an emotional level, enhancing our ability to empathize.

Daniel Goleman expands on this through the concept of emotional contagion, noting that "emotions are contagious. We catch feelings from one another as though they were some kind of social virus." This phenomenon is central to the science of empathy. The mirror neuron system allows us to mirror another person’s emotions, contributing to the automatic transmission of feelings between people. Goleman also highlights that "our brain’s very design makes it hard to maintain emotional distance; our emotions automatically and instantly mimic those of others." This is why we can pick up on the emotional states of others before even consciously realizing it.

Candace Pert further elaborates on this emotional resonance, saying, "The emotions are the connectors, flowing between individuals, moving among us as empathy, compassion, sorrow, and joy." This underscores the idea that empathy is a biological function intertwined with our ability to connect emotionally. Our shared "molecules of emotion," as Pert describes them, resonate together, reflecting the oneness of human experience.

This ability to quickly pick up on emotions is demonstrated in infants as well. Researchers Pat Wingert and Martha Brant observed that babies as young as six months could feel rudimentary empathy. They would cry when they heard other infants cry, yet did not react to recordings of their own cries. This shows that, from birth, humans are wired to respond to others’ emotional states, setting the stage for the development of empathy throughout life.

Empathy: A Skill to Cultivate

Although empathy is biologically embedded in our brains, it is also a skill that can be developed and improved. Effective empathy involves two key elements: genuine perception and deep imagination. These elements not only define empathy but also reveal its challenges, especially in the context of mediation.

Genuine Perception

Genuine perception refers to an unfiltered, direct understanding of another person’s feelings and needs. It is the ability to truly see and feel what someone else is experiencing without letting personal biases interfere with our interpretation. Mirror neurons play a critical role in this process. As Don Joseph Gowey pointed out, these neurons help us experience empathy rather than judgment. By activating when we observe others’ emotions, they allow us to feel the emotions of another person firsthand.

Daniel Goleman adds another dimension by explaining that "when we focus on someone else, our brain shifts to a mode that is less concerned with our own needs and more open to theirs." This shift is what makes empathy powerful—it moves us beyond self-interest and into a place where we can genuinely understand and resonate with another’s experience. For mediators, facilitating this shift is crucial in creating an experience where both parties feel heard and respected.

However, as mediators, overcoming personal experiences, emotions, and assumptions is crucial to achieving genuine perception. Our own neural wiring may lead us to project our feelings onto others, skewing our perception of their emotional reality. Mediators must recognize their biases and focus on accurately perceiving the emotions of the parties they are assisting.

Deep Imagination

Deep imagination is the ability to mentally journey into another’s experience. It is not enough to merely observe someone’s feelings; empathy requires us to imagine what it is like to live in their world, from their perspective. This is where empathy becomes an act of creativity, allowing us to bridge the gap between our understanding and their reality.

The neuroscientific research on empathy circuits offers valuable insight into how this imaginative leap occurs in the brain. For instance, the anterior insula helps us imagine the thoughts of others, and the medial prefrontal cortex aids in registering facial emotion and understanding the intentions of others. These circuits allow mediators to move beyond surface-level observations and into a deeper engagement with the emotional experiences of the parties involved in a conflict.

Daniel Goleman explains that "our brain’s very design makes it hard to maintain emotional distance; our emotions automatically and instantly mimic those of others." This automatic mirroring sets the stage for us to take the next step: imagining how the other person is experiencing the world from their unique perspective.

For mediators, deep imagination is crucial in understanding both parties' emotional landscapes without allowing their own experiences to color the interpretation. While mirror neurons give us a glimpse into another’s emotional state, the imaginative leap requires conscious effort and practice. The prefrontal cortex, particularly the cingulate cortex, helps in this process by comparing one’s perspective with another’s, allowing mediators to identify both the shared and divergent feelings and needs between conflicting parties.

However, deep imagination can be challenging. While mirror neurons and emotional contagion provide a biological foundation for empathy, mediators must be careful not to project their own interpretations onto the parties they are assisting. The imaginative leap into another’s perspective must be grounded in genuine curiosity and an active effort to understand their unique emotional reality.

Why Empathy Matters in Conflict Resolution

Mediators, by the nature of their work, are called upon to be empathic listeners. They must create an environment where both parties feel heard, understood, and respected. In doing so, mediators play a pivotal role in de-escalating conflict. Neuroscience shows that when we listen with genuine perception and deep imagination, we foster emotional resonance—an essential component for building trust and creating a sense of emotional safety.

By cultivating empathy, mediators enable both parties to shift from entrenched positions to a space of deeper emotional connection. This focus on understanding the perspectives of others is central to the success of mediation, as it encourages parties to see beyond their immediate grievances and into the shared emotional space that empathy creates.

Empathy is not just about understanding emotions; it’s also about recognizing and addressing underlying needs. True empathy is the ability to genuinely perceive and deeply imagine another person’s feelings and needs, to communicate this understanding with sensitivity, and to respond with compassionate actions.

In mediation, this process goes beyond resolving surface-level disagreements. It involves uncovering the deeper feelings and needs driving the conflict, creating space for resolution by acknowledging the feelings and addressing those needs. Often, the most entrenched disputes can be resolved once both sides feel that their emotions and needs have been fully recognized. Mediators who employ empathy effectively help guide parties from a place of division toward mutual understanding, and ultimately, resolution.

Empathy, rooted in our biology, is one of the most powerful tools mediators can wield. It enables them to connect deeply with the individuals involved, fostering more meaningful and compassionate resolutions. By honing the skills of genuine perception and deep imagination, mediators can unlock the transformative potential of empathy, turning conflict into an opportunity for collaboration and growth.

References

Candace Pert, Molecules of Emotion: The Science behind mind body medicine, 2003

Don Joseph Gowey, The End of Stress, 2014

Paul Ekman, Emotions Revealed, 2003

Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships (2006)

Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ (1995)

Pat Wingert and Martha Brant, Reading your Babies Mind, Newsweek, 2005

Yudhijit Bhattacharjee, Science Offers Insight Into Why Some People Are Especially Nice (Or Not), National Geographic, January 2018

John Ford is a seasoned workplace mediator and conflict resolution coach with three decades of experience. He is the author of "Peace at Work: The HR Manager’s Guide to Workplace Mediation" and the creator of several tools designed to enhance empathy and communication in mediation, including The Empathy Set™ of cards. John teaches negotiation and mediation at UC Law SF and has trained professionals across various sectors. His innovative approach to mediation focuses on structured processes that address both the relational and substantive aspects of conflict, empowering clients to achieve lasting resolutions.

Emotional Avoidance: The Hidden Crisis in Our Lives

“When we close the door to our feelings, we close the door to the vital currents that energize and activate our thoughts and actions.”
— Gary Zukav

One of the most pervasive challenges we face, whether in our personal lives, workplaces, or broader communities, is emotional avoidance. This behavior—where we actively avoid feeling and processing our emotions—has far-reaching consequences that can leave relationships strained, workplaces toxic, and our personal growth stunted.

Emotional avoidance is the pattern of sidestepping our emotions, either by suppressing them or by overreacting in ways that distract from the underlying feelings. Ideally, we should allow our emotions to be felt fully in the present moment, letting them inform our decisions and then releasing them. However, when we avoid our emotions, they don't simply disappear. Instead, they linger, creating what many refer to as "emotional baggage," which can weigh us down and affect our future interactions.

The Cost of Emotional Avoidance

Dr. Mark Atkinson describes the cost of emotional avoidance succinctly:
“If I had to single out just one factor that represented the most common block to personal growth it would be this—emotion avoidance. Put simply, fear of feeling our emotions is pandemic amongst human beings and for many people at the heart of broken relationships, low levels of intimacy, unhappiness, unexplained bodily symptoms, and devitalization.”

We often fear our emotions, particularly those we label as negative—anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, and contempt. But in reality, all emotions carry important information that can guide our actions and decisions. By avoiding these emotions, we miss out on the insights they provide, leading to unresolved tensions and, ultimately, to dysfunctional relationships and environments.

The Two Faces of Emotional Avoidance

Emotional avoidance generally manifests in two broad strategies, each tied to our natural fight-or-flight response:

  1. The Avoiders: These individuals tend to ignore or suppress their unwanted emotions. They bottle up their feelings, keeping them under wraps until they eventually spill over in passive-aggressive behaviors—missed deadlines, "forgetting" tasks, or intentional inefficiency. Often, these behaviors aren't even recognized by the avoiders themselves, making the problem even more insidious.

  2. The Fighters: On the other end of the spectrum are those who fear losing control of their emotions, especially anger. These individuals may be well aware of their feelings but are terrified of them. When triggered, they may lash out, later regretting their words or actions. Their emotional flooding overwhelms them, making it hard to see situations clearly and respond appropriately.

Both strategies are equally problematic, and neither is more mature or evolved than the other. The truth is, we are all in this together, navigating the murky waters of emotional avoidance.

The Cultural Collusion with Avoidance

Despite the personal and relational costs, emotional avoidance is often encouraged by cultural norms. We tell people to "check their emotions at the door" or to "not bring feelings to work." Children are socialized to deny what they feel, often instructed to apologize when they don’t mean it, to smile when they’re sad, or to say "thank you" when they’re angry.

This widespread cultural message perpetuates the cycle of avoidance. Those who suppress their feelings may not even realize the impact of their actions, while those who express their emotions often face social reprimand for being too "emotional."

Where Do We Begin?

The crisis of emotional avoidance is a collective one, and no one is immune. The first step toward addressing this issue is awareness. Recognizing whether you tend toward avoidance or confrontation when triggered gives you the power to make different choices.

Ask yourself:

  • How aware are you of your own emotional patterns?

  • Do you tend to avoid or confront when emotions run high?

  • How comfortable are you in expressing your feelings and asserting yourself?

  • How effectively do you engage in conflict?

And consider these questions for those around you, whether in your personal relationships or professional environment. Emotional intelligence, or the lack thereof, impacts all our interactions, and as long as we continue to swim in the waters of emotional avoidance, it will be difficult to address underlying toxicity in any context.

Conclusion

Emotional avoidance is more than just a personal challenge; it’s a widespread issue that affects every aspect of our lives. From the workplace to our homes, the fear of feeling can lead to a culture of disconnection and dysfunction. It’s time we start addressing this hidden crisis, recognizing our patterns, and finding ways to reconnect with our emotions in a healthy, constructive manner. Only then can we begin to heal our relationships, foster genuine connection, and create environments where emotional intelligence is valued and nurtured.

Needs And Requests

By David Steele, The Rocky Mountain Compassionate Communication Network

"I need you to pick up your room."

We often conflate needs and requests (at least in North American White Culture). Before studying NVC the above sentence seemed perfectly reasonable to me. I now see it as containing two components: 1) a need for order or cleanliness, and 2) a request to pick up the room.

We speak of needs as universal, as a yearning or value that can manifest through a variety of actions or situations. A need is general and flexible, while a request is time-bound, specific, and doable.

Needs exist as a potential that can express in innumerable ways. Requests reflect an intention to bring that potential into actuality - a specific, time-bound manifestation. To paraphrase Marshall Rosenberg, when we attach satisfying a need to a specific action, the request is likely to become a demand, and we take an abundant universe and make it very scarce very quickly.

I sometimes think of needs as a life force in the same way that gravity is a physical force. When an apple hangs from a tree the effects of gravity are not so visible. At a specific moment of time, the apple falls and the impact of gravity becomes very visible. Recognizing gravity and its impact made Issac Newton a household name and was critical to the development of technological civilization.

Similarly, I believe that recognizing needs and their impact on human behavior is as liberating to the human spirit as understanding gravity was to liberating human physical comfort by advancing technology.

We do not doubt gravity, wondering if sometimes it will be there and sometimes it will not. Needs are as ever-present and consistent as gravity. When we learn to trust the deep yearnings they hold and be open to them, rather than attached to outcome, we find the courage to make requests and trust in the abundance offered by the world of natural giving that Marshall described: the world waiting for us when we practice the consciousness of NVC.

The Rocky Mountain Compassionate Communication Network

Founded in 2009, RMCCN promotes and supports the awareness, education and practice of Compassionate Communication, a powerful and easy-to-understand way of listening to and communicating with ourselves and others. Based in Colorado, but serving the whole Rocky Mountain region, RMCCN maintains a community calendar, offers trainings, supports practice groups, provides mediation and consulting services, and sponsors an online community to connect and support people interested in NVC.

Neuroscience Meets Social and Emotional Learning podcast!

Interview by Andrea Samadi on 7/30/24

Welcome back to Season 12 of the Neuroscience Meets Social and Emotional Learning podcast! In episode number 340, host Andrea Samadi speaks with John Ford, an experienced workplace mediator and author of "Peace at Work: The HR Manager's Guide to Workplace Mediation." With a wealth of expertise in conflict resolution, emotional intelligence, and soft skills training, John shares his journey from practicing law to becoming a mediator. He discusses the importance of trust, effective communication, and addressing conflict head-on in both personal and professional settings. Discover practical tools like talking sticks and empathy cards, and learn how to apply neuroscience and emotional intelligence to navigate conflicts and improve workplace dynamics. Don't miss this insightful conversation that bridges the gap between science and everyday application!

Topics we will cover:

* The importance of acquiring Emotional Intelligence Skills for conflict resolution in our workplaces of the future.
* The influencers who inspired John Ford's work (Daniel Goleman, John Gottman, Ken Cloke and many more.
* Tools and resources to support Conflict Resolution in our workplaces.

Watch our interview on YouTube here https://lnkd.in/g5PE6v9N  or

Listen https://lnkd.in/gsiZZUsj  on Podbean.

hashtag#emotionalintelligence hashtag#JohnFord hashtag#schools hashtag#Sports hashtag#workplace hashtag#conflictresolution hashtag#SEL hashtag#neuroscience hashtag#softskills hashtag#empathy

Book Review: "The Emotion Thesaurus: A Writer's Guide to Character Expression" by Angela Ackerman and Becca Puglisi

In the realm of character development and emotional expression, "The Emotion Thesaurus" by Angela Ackerman and Becca Puglisi stands out as an invaluable resource for writers. This comprehensive guide delves into the nuanced world of emotions, offering a wealth of insights that elevate character portrayal to new heights. Each emotion entry is meticulously detailed, providing physical signals, internal sensations, mental responses, and long-term effects. This level of depth ensures that characters are not only believable but also resonate deeply with readers.

What sets this book apart is its focus on practical application. Writers are equipped with an array of body language cues, making it easier to show rather than tell emotions, a crucial aspect of compelling storytelling. Additionally, the inclusion of writing tips and example scenarios offers concrete ways to integrate these emotional cues seamlessly into narrative arcs.

For my project, which involves reviewing, editing, and expanding my own "Dictionary of Feelings and Needs," "The Emotion Thesaurus" will be a cornerstone resource. Its structured approach to cataloging emotions and the emphasis on authenticity align perfectly with the goals of creating a comprehensive and relatable dictionary. This thesaurus not only aids in the accurate depiction of emotions but also inspires new ways to think about and convey the complexity of human experiences.

Reflections on Inside Out 2

By Dr Paul Ekman

I had the privilege of serving as a scientific advisor to the first Inside Out movie and the pleasure of seeing the sequel last week along with family and friends. After the first movie came out, I wrote a Parents’ Guide and after enjoying the sequel, was inspired to write a few reflections.

The sequel of Inside Out includes the same emotion characters (joy, sadness, anger, disgust and fear) we got to know in the first installation, with the addition of a few new characters as Riley enters puberty.

Moving into adolescence

The onset of adolescence is depicted in the film by a demolition team. While this humorous metaphor captures the bold and sometimes unpredictable changes that occur in puberty, it is also important to note that adolescence does not “tear down” the emotional structures in place of childhood, though it certainly adds layers of complexity and emotional development for teenagers.

New emotion characters

The new emotions that make an appearance are: anxiety, embarrassment, envy and ennui. We also get a sneak peek at nostalgia, though the running joke is that it is not yet their time to appear. 

Anxiety

In Inside Out 2, the addition of anxiety plays an important role as a key character in the movie, and is introduced as a kind of “companion” character to fear. There is a line in the movie acknowledging the similarities between the characters, in which anxiety explains that fear’s role is to protect Riley from dangers that are seen, and that anxiety’s role is to protect Riley from dangers that are unseen. Anxiety focuses on future projections of possible failures, in the attempt to prepare and steer Riley in the direction of success and accomplishment. While many emotion scientists (myself included) wouldn’t distinguish anxiety as a separate emotion distinct from the larger family of fear-based emotions, creating a new character highlighting  anxiety adds to the storyline and takeaways from the film. 

Finding ways to embrace and temper anxiety, rather than let it solely “run the show” provides a powerful climax and denouement to the story. With the significant increase among teenagers of anxiety and depression, the character of anxiety provides a window into the intense period of self-consciousness and desire to be included in adolescence which underpins all of anxiety’s machinations for control. While in the movie we see this play out in real-time friendships, the social lives of many teens is played out largely online. We can feel the same intensity of emotions when worried about our social connections in person or online. 

Embarrassment

Embarrassment makes its entrance in the moments of the newly heightened self-consciousness often paired with adolescence. Embarrassment develops as we become more aware of our increasingly complex social norms and expectations and we try to find our ways of “fitting in” within it. This process is often highlighted during adolescence, a period of development marked by a growing sense of identity formation. Interestingly embarrassment also exhibits the most empathy and understanding for the exiled emotions, as a ‘self conscious’ embarrassment is tightly tied to our impression of others around us. While not scientifically tied to empathy, embarrassment shows a greater perspective taking than the rest of the newly joined puberty emotions.

Envy

Envy also plays an important role in a developing “sense of self” and “sense of place” within social structures, as the character reflects on the qualities and characteristics of others seen as valuable and desirable and tries to position Riley advantageously. Envy is shown to be connected with contempt. It is the upward/inflated comparison of another as better or having more, instead of disgust which is a downward/diminishing comparison of another being toxic. It could have been meaningful to consider contempt, which is where our negative social judgments often reside. Contempt is a feeling of superiority towards others, a judgment of being better or “one up”. Contempt and envy are likely an emotion intensified by social media which creates a perfect platform for persistent upward and downward comparison with friends and strangers.

Ennui

Ennui is an interesting addition, as it is also not considered to be a distinct emotion by many emotion scientists, though the value added to the storyline is clear. Ennui is a French word used to describe weariness, dissatisfaction, or boredom- states which are often experienced by teens, and sometimes confusing or frustrating to their parents. The character provides numerous moments of humor throughout the film, as Riley oscillates between anxious moments of overcompensating and ennui moments of  trying to “play it cool”. Ennui has obvious ties to contempt, described above, which I have often felt is a very teenage emotion. Many teens feel a sense of withering superiority towards their parents which can lead to the ennui (“no one understands and I can’t be bothered”) behavior seen in the film.

Sense of self

The movie also explores the expansion of core beliefs and sense of self, mirroring the growing complexity of identity formation and self reflection key in the developmental stages of adolescence and into adulthood. As with the first film, there is a meaningful, though scientifically inaccurate, portrayal of what is sometimes referred to in psychotherapy as our “internal working model” of self. Joy, as in the first movie, is trying to selectively curate the memories and ideas that constitute who Riley is, to be only the positive side of herself. Anxiety finds this “totally positive” view naive and hopelessly uncool, a social poison for Riley entering highschool. Anxiety attempts to create a new socially savvy working model but it is too self-centered and turns aggressive. Both Joy and Anxiety fail when they try to overly curate a sense of self. All of us (our most charismatic, empathic, as well as annoying and cringeworthy moments) are part of an ongoing narrative understanding of the fullness of who we are. 

More to explore

I can hope that Inside Out 3 could include compassion. While it is not exactly an emotion, it is a meaningful strategy for us to more fully embrace all of our emotions. Compassion meditations with our difficult emotions can help us see that ALL of us are in the same boat when it comes to our difficult emotions- and that we can be the friendly loving presence we offer to others when feeling stressed, sad, or overwhelmed. Cultivating Emotional Balance, a training I co-created with Alan Wallace and which has been led by my daughter Eve Ekman is another resource for deepening our understanding of emotions through mapping individual emotion experience and applying mindfulness to our experience. Some of these tools are also available through the Atlas of Emotion website

All in all, it was a joy to watch and feel along with Inside Out 2.

If you haven’t already, check out the original A Parents’ Guide to Disney-Pixar’s Inside Out.

Paul Ekman is a well-known psychologist and co-discoverer of micro expressions. He was named one of the 100 most influential people in the world by TIME magazine in 2009. He has worked with many government agencies, domestic and abroad. Dr. Ekman has compiled over 50 years of his research to create comprehensive training tools to read the hidden emotions of those around you.

Embrace Empathetic Listening with Perspective-Getting

In our fast-paced world, genuine listening often gets overshadowed by the rush to speak and be heard. Jamil Zaki, a professor of psychology at Stanford University, highlights a transformative approach in his article, "How to Become a More Empathetic Listener"

The piece delves into the nuances of empathy, particularly focusing on the distinction between perspective-taking and perspective-getting. Let's explore how embracing these concepts can enhance our communication and deepen our connections.

Too often, we treat empathy as a performance. Trying to show how well we understand people, we end up missing the cues that could help us truly connect. Perspective-getting leans into another idea: Every conversation is a joint project, done best when we make space to learn from one another.
— • Jamil Zaki


Understanding the Concept:

Traditionally, empathy has been associated with "perspective-taking" – the act of imagining oneself in another's shoes. While this can foster generosity and reduce prejudice, it's not without flaws. Jamil Zaki points out that perspective-taking can lead to what researchers call "perspective mistaking," where our assumptions about others' feelings are biased and inaccurate. Instead, he advocates for "perspective-getting," a collaborative effort where active listening and asking questions play a crucial role.

The Power of Perspective-Getting:

Perspective-getting is more precise and effective than perspective-taking. It involves engaging with others to truly understand their experiences, leading to better communication and stronger relationships. This method is particularly powerful for leaders and professionals, as it helps them connect with their teams and clients on a deeper level. Techniques like "looping," where one paraphrases what they've heard and seeks confirmation, can significantly enhance understanding and trust.

Connecting to the Empathy Set App:

The Empathy Set app is designed to facilitate exactly this kind of empathetic engagement. By using the app's tools, such as the feelings and needs cards, users can practice perspective-getting in a structured way. These features encourage users to ask questions, listen actively, and reflect on their conversations, promoting genuine understanding and emotional intelligence.

Encouraging Reflection and Growth:

We encourage you to integrate these insights into your daily interactions. Next time you find yourself in a conversation, try to focus on listening without planning your response. Use the Empathy Set app to guide your questions and ensure you are truly hearing the other person. After your conversation, reflect on what you've learned and how your understanding has evolved.

Closing Remarks:

Embracing empathetic listening through perspective-getting is a journey of continuous learning and personal growth. By committing to this practice, you can enrich your relationships and foster a more empathetic and understanding environment. Remember, every conversation is an opportunity to connect, learn, and grow.

A Dictionary of Feelings and Needs: Feedback Project Word of the Day: Afraid

Word of the Day: Afraid

Definition:
Afraid is a feeling of fear, dread, or apprehension in response to a perceived threat or impending danger.

Synonyms:

  • Fearful

  • Apprehensive

  • Scared

  • Terrified

Exploring the Significance of "Afraid":

The word "afraid" encapsulates a vital aspect of our emotional landscape. It's designed to guard us against danger and loss, whether physical or psychological. This feeling alerts us to remove ourselves from danger and to apply our protective strategies. However, being afraid can also cause people to cower and struggle with making decisions, partly due to the inability to focus on what is possible.

Quotes on Being Afraid:

  1. "Don't be afraid of your fears. They're not there to scare you. They're there to let you know that something is worth it." – C. JoyBell C.

  2. "The brave person is not one who does not feel afraid, but one who conquers that fear." – Nelson Mandela

  3. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." – Franklin D. Roosevelt

Should We Use "Fear" Instead?

An interesting discussion arises when we consider whether "fear" might be a more appropriate term. Fear and afraid are closely related, but there are nuances. Fear can be both a noun and a verb, describing the emotion and the act of experiencing it. Afraid, on the other hand, is specifically an adjective, describing a state of being. How do these differences impact our understanding and expression of this emotion?

Physical vs. Psychological Fear:

It's important to distinguish between physical and psychological fear. Physical fear is a response to a tangible threat, like an oncoming car or a dangerous animal. Psychological fear, however, is rooted in our thoughts and perceptions, such as fear of failure or rejection. Understanding this distinction can help us address our fears more effectively.

Devil's Advocate: Is This Definition Accurate?

Playing devil's advocate, one might ask if the definition of "afraid" as merely a response to a perceived threat or impending danger is sufficient. Does it capture the full depth of the emotion? For instance, could "afraid" also encompass a chronic state of anxiety that doesn't always have a clear source? Or does it imply a level of immediacy that chronic anxiety lacks?

Exploring Synonyms:

The synonyms for "afraid"—fearful, apprehensive, scared, and terrified—each carry unique nuances and degrees of intensity. "Fearful" often implies a general state of anxiety or concern, while "apprehensive" suggests a more specific anticipation of something unfavorable. "Scared" is a more immediate, visceral reaction to danger, and "terrified" represents an extreme, overwhelming fear. As you reflect on these synonyms, consider their subtle differences and how they resonate with your experiences. Do these words capture the essence of "afraid," or are there other synonyms like "alarmed," "frightened," or "panicked" that better capture its essence? We invite you to share your suggestions and contribute to the ongoing refinement of this entry.

Your Turn:

We invite you to reflect on the word "afraid." Do you think the definition provided here is accurate? Should we consider replacing it with "fear"? How do you experience the difference between physical and psychological fear? Share your thoughts and help us refine this entry in our Dictionary of Feelings and Needs.

Your feedback is invaluable. Please share your insights in the comments or email us at dictionary@empathyset.com.

Let’s build this emotional lexicon together!

A Dictionary of Feelings and Needs: Feedback Project

Welcome to our journey of enriching this specialized dictionary which exists to guide the exploration and expression of the complex tapestry of human feelings and needs, particularly crafted to enhance empathy, emotional literacy, and relational harmony. One post at a time, we will delve into a specific entry, sharing the definition and four synonyms from the dictionary, as well as other contextual information about the particular feeling or need to promote open exploration. Our goal is to continuously improve the quality and accuracy of the entries, and to consider words that should be added or removed to provide a richer vocabulary for your emotional intelligence toolkit. Your feedback and insights are invaluable in shaping this dynamic dictionary. Share your thoughts and help us create a living resource that truly reflects our shared human experience.

Your feedback is invaluable. Please share your insights in the comments or email us at dictionary@empathyset.com.

Let’s build this emotional lexicon together!

Embracing Emotionality: Foundational Beliefs About Our Emotions

Emotions play a crucial role in our lives, shaping our experiences, decisions, and actions. By understanding and embracing our emotionality, we can lead more fulfilling and authentic lives. Here are some foundational beliefs about emotionality that highlight its importance:

  1. Human Beings Are Emotional and Emotions Are Part of an Open System Emotions are integral to our human experience. They are not isolated or static but part of an open system that interacts with our environment, thoughts, and behaviors. This interconnectedness means that our emotional responses are influenced by and influence the world around us.

  2. All Emotions Are Valid, Despite Our Labels of Negative and Positive Society often labels emotions as either negative or positive, but in reality, all emotions are valid and serve a purpose. Anger, sadness, joy, and fear all provide valuable information about our needs and experiences. By accepting all our emotions without judgment, we can better understand ourselves and others.

  3. Emotions Provide Vital Decision-Making Information Emotions are not just feelings to be ignored or suppressed; they are essential sources of information that guide our decision-making processes. Emotions alert us to what is important, what needs attention, and what actions we might consider taking. Ignoring our emotions can lead to poor decisions and missed opportunities for growth.

  4. Emotions Provide Energy for Action but Are Not the Same as Behavior While emotions can drive us to act, they are distinct from our behaviors. Recognizing this distinction allows us to harness the energy that emotions provide without being controlled by them. We can choose how to respond to our emotions in ways that are constructive and aligned with our values.

  5. Emotion Drives Reason More Than Reason Drives Emotion Contrary to the belief that reason should always prevail over emotion, research shows that our emotions often drive our reasoning processes. Emotions provide the context and urgency that shape our thoughts and decisions. By acknowledging this, we can better integrate our emotional and rational selves.

  6. We Can Choose How We Relate to Our Feelings While we may not always control our initial emotional responses, we can choose how we relate to and manage these feelings. Developing emotional intelligence and self-awareness helps us respond to our emotions in healthy and productive ways, fostering resilience and well-being.

  7. We Change When We Allow Ourselves to Feel Personal growth and transformation occur when we allow ourselves to fully experience and process our emotions. Suppressing or avoiding emotions can hinder our development and lead to emotional stagnation. Embracing our feelings, on the other hand, opens the door to healing, learning, and change.

In conclusion, understanding and embracing our emotionality is key to leading a balanced and fulfilling life. By recognizing the validity and importance of our emotions, we can use them as a guide to make better decisions, take meaningful actions, and foster personal growth.

What Inside Out 2 Reveals About the Diversity of Emotions

The new Pixar film explores adolescence by bringing its complicated feelings to life.

BY DEMOND HILL JR. | JUNE 18, 2024

In 2015, Inside Out hit theaters and soon became renowned for its creative and scientific brilliance. In the movie, nine-year-old girl Riley moves with her mother and father from Minnesota to San Francisco, which means she needs to navigate a new life–social, school, and home.

The emotion characters from Inside Out 2: Ennui, Anxiety, Embarrassment, Envy, Joy, Fear, Disgust, Anger, Sadness

Riley’s primary emotions become characters in the movie, each with their own personalities: Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust. The story largely takes place inside Riley’s head, in a place called Headquarters, where these emotions work together to help her to find her way in a new city–and to achieve a balanced emotional state.

Inside Out is more than just an animated film. It’s a thoughtful and profound exploration of the human emotional experience, highlighting the importance of all emotions, not just happiness, for one’s positive well-being. By creatively and empathetically portraying the inner workings of Riley’s mind, Inside Out reminds us that understanding and embracing our emotions while prioritizing positive relationships fosters a sense of safety and belonging despite the challenges we encounter.

This past Friday, Pixar released a sequel to Inside Out. In part two, Riley is now thirteen years old and she’s pushed into a new development stage, which brings to life new emotions inside of her: Anxiety, Ennui, Nostalgia, and Embarrassment, each one a complex character in its own right. She is changing. Her body is changing. Her mind is changing. Her social world is changing. As time passes and interactions unfold, her body or emotions keep the score and are reflected in her everyday behaviors. On her journey, Riley feels true pain, hurt, remorse, and, most importantly, grief—the grief of her past self–and the grace required to heal, along with the challenges of unconditionally loving the new self.

As many Greater Good readers already know, Pixar turned to the Greater Good Science Center and our faculty director (and my mentor), Dacher Ketlner, for help in grounding Inside Out and its sequel in the science of emotion. And indeed, science and art converge ever so gently in these two movies, reminding us of our innermost and outer (childlike) selves. But, when you look closer to the margins, major question is raised as a critical emotion science scholar: what does the new movie reveal about the science of our emotions, and what or who was left out of the film?

The beauty of emotion science on screen

While many scientists agree that emotions are universal and inherited, more and more scholars see how they are expressed as very social. These researchers study how our daily interactions with others shape our feelings, thoughts, and actions.

In the film, Riley’s emotions are influenced by her interactions with others and her social environment, like a hockey camp with high-school girls. Riley is shown to be easily influenced by the social expectations around her. The first Inside Out movie suggests that emotions are linked to past experiences, especially in how childhood experiences shape our understanding of feelings, ourselves, and the world.

In the new movie, Riley’s emotions intensify as she tries to maintain her relationships with her best friends while trying to impress a new group of friends. This storyline demonstrates how social expectations and norms affect our emotions and behavior as Riley shifts between the two groups.

The film emphasizes that emotions are key to communication, and her emotions help Riley build and repair relationships with her peers. Emotions/characters like Fear, Disgust, Anger, and Embarrassment act as signals to protect her in different situations, like pulling away after realizing she held her friend Val’s hand for too long. Inside Out 2 clearly shows that emotions are social and serve social functions, demonstrating that our interactions, cultural backgrounds, and everyday experiences shape our feelings.

There are also sociological perspectives on emotions. In the early 1980s, sociologists focused on feelings and emotions, exploring their role in human motivation and social structures. Many argue that emotions are inherited and biological but still shaped by historical, social, and political contexts. Although Inside Out 2 doesn’t explicitly follow this sociological view, it aligns with Arlie Hochschild’s “Emotional Labor” and “Feeling Rules” concepts.

Emotional Labor is about managing feelings and behaviors to show certain emotions publicly, often to fit in or be accepted. Feeling Rules are social guidelines that tell us how and when to feel certain emotions, varying across different contexts. In the film, Riley adjusts her emotions to get positive reactions from others, and she follows social-feeling rules, which increases her anxiety.

That concept is rarely applied to children, but my own “Emotion as Play” research examines how young African American people use Emotional Labor and Feeling Rules. Watching the film, I realized that emotional labor is like a weight people carry, and they need social, emotional, and physical effort to manage it. Riley’s struggles with moving into different spheres and fitting into them show how these pressures build up over time, affecting her deeply. In this way, Inside Out 2 highlights that adolescence is a critical time when mental health issues often become more noticeable and intense.

The scientific power of the humanities

Inside Out 2 is such a beautiful display of science and art. It opens our minds to possibilities and reminds us of how central emotions are to our humanity. However, the film missed a vital opportunity to bring to light the real stars of the show, who seemed to have been pushed out on the margins. Just where are Love, Grace, and Empathy?

While some argue that love is not an emotion in the strictest scientific sense, both science and the humanities have long considered Love–along with Grace, and Empathy–as crucial to the development of communities of wellness. By using research from the humanities, we can see how they appear in the film and how they could help build families and communities that focus on mental health and well-being. Inside Out 2 hints at these deeper connections and helps us to understand what they reveal about ourselves and each other–and they led me to reflect on how the movie highlights certain concepts from science and the humanities

A Critical Love Ethic: This is a conception of love that requires truth, understanding, and acceptance. Through her various moments, Riley was forced to sit with herself–as she spent time tossing and turning in her bed alone, her mind working, her emotions intense. It seemed like the only thing that freed her from herself and the expectation of her environment was love from her best friends Bree (of African descent) and Grace (of Asian descent). These two possess what thinkers like bell hooks, James Baldwin, and Toni Morrison refer to as a Critical Love Ethic.

As bell hooks outlines, Riley is suffering from the oppressive forces of societal expectation or pressure that led to the distortion of her sense of self and, most importantly, her connection to herself. Critical Love Ethic is a counter-cultural idea that argues for collective resistance to the social norms, feelings rules, and social expectations that lead to the suppression of emotions to help create a society of human flourishing. A Critical Love Ethic equates love with strength, courage, and truth, which was displayed beautifully by both Bree and Grace as they, through the power of love, bridge differences and provide Riley the reassurance to feel safe but held accountable for her behavior without further embarrassment.

Although I yearned for love throughout the film, I found my moments and rejoiced in it because I had the chance to witness young people practice a Critical Love Ethic. Integrating love into children’s or youth films is not a superficial act but a radical act of care, compassion, and belonging that will have the power to change the world around us for all.

Grace Abundance: Grace is a multifaceted concept that encompasses love, gentleness, and a sense of inner peace and disrupts traditional definitions. In many eyes, Grace is something we all need to show others and show ourselves as the world around us gets faster and more complex. Many of us have the weight of the world on our shoulders–with stress compounding and trauma continuing to increase, taking a tremendous toll on our mental health. We are sometimes hardest on ourselves –when we do not meet expectations and deadlines or show up as our best selves. Grace is the ability to slow down, get grounded, and speak life into the nooks and crannies of your imperfections–because for others, your imperfections are beautiful, too.

Riley needs some Grace (literally and emotionally) in her life to ease the weight she carries trying to be all the things all at once. But, as marginalized groups have always done due to the realities of an unjust world, we rely on unique, often not spoken or understood emotions to uplift and, at times, resist in order to thrive. Riley’s best friends extend Grace to her, reminding her that their love is unwavering, that their care is unconditional, and that it will simply be okay. It seems to me that Inside Out 2 missed an opportunity in not explicitly naming and making space for Grace in Riley’s story.

Empathetic Desires: Empathy is the ability to understand why someone feels the way they do, why they are doing the things they do, and how that is informed by who they are as an entire person (e.g., identity, lived experiences, upbringing). Empathy requires sensitivity to the world, a desire for a deep sense of connection, and acknowledgment that other people are different from you and have different feelings.

When individuals truly understand and feel what someone else is going through, they are more likely to offer support, comfort, or assistance. This compassionate response is fundamental in nurturing and sustaining personal and professional relationships. Riley, through her ups and downs, is extended empathy by those around her, even those who she is trying to impress, like her new friend Val, who was a simultaneous source of anxiety and comfort.

Despite Riley’s awkward and quirky behavior, Val is gentle to her, comforts her, celebrates her, and cares for her. She simply wants Riley to be herself and not conform to the expectations that are both explicit and implicit. In the end, Inside Out 2 reminds me of James Baldwin’s liberating words in The Fire Next Time: “Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. I use the word love here not merely in the personal sense but as a state of being or a state of grace—not in the infantile American sense of being made happy but in the tough and universal sense of quest and daring and growth.”

Demond Hill Jr.

Demond Hill Jr. is a Ph.D. candidate in the Department of Social Welfare at the University of California, Berkeley. His research focuses on the mental health and emotional well-being of Black children and youth, their families, and communities.

© 2024 The Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley

Five Practices for a Healthier Emotional Life

Source: ChatGPT

Five Practices for a Healthier Emotional Life

Inside Out 2 teaches that all emotions are useful, the difficult ones included. So how do we accept and work with our feelings?

BY LAINIE ROWELL | JUNE 13, 2024

The much-anticipated sequel Inside Out 2 premieres in theaters, making it a perfect time to revisit the science behind the original 2015 Pixar hit that brought psychological research into the public eye and emphasized the importance of embracing all emotions.

I recently talked with Dacher Keltner, one of the world’s foremost emotion scientists, the cofounder and faculty director of the Greater Good Science Center, and the scientific consultant for the first Inside Out. His collaboration with Pixar brought the science of emotion to the public in an engaging and impactful way.

His message to the creators of Inside Out was that what we often label as negative emotions—such as sadness, anger, and fear—are not just inevitable parts of being human but are essential to our emotional and psychological health. “All of the emotions have their purpose,” says Keltner. “Even an emotion like envy can lead you to good things if you use it in the right way and don’t hurt people.”

Sadness, anger, and fear connect us deeply with others, foster empathy, and serve as crucial alerts in our lives. Rather than suppress these feelings, argues Keltner, we should acknowledge and manage them. In some contexts, we may even want to lean into these emotions. For example, we might want to leverage an emotion such as anger in competitive settings like sports or an academic debate.

Keltner’s work continued with Inside Out 2, which explores more complex emotions such as anxiety. That’s timely, given that 30–40% of young people are grappling with anxiety or depression. As the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, Marc Brackett, explains, anxiety does serve a purpose, like all so-called negative emotions.

“Anxiety narrows our attention and improves our focus on details,” Brackett says. “It makes us anticipate what could go wrong. That may not seem like a feeling we’d welcome, but it’s a good frame of mind when we’re performing tasks involving numbers, such as finances.” Anxiety, while uncomfortable, prepares us for effective action by alerting us to potential dangers.

“The film arrives at a thesis that really you can find in all the great contemplative traditions, like Buddhist meditation, prayer, etc.: Be kind to yourself, be open and accepting of all human experiences,” says Keltner.

We need these emotions to guide us, serving as signals and signposts that help us stay safe—even alerting us when professional help may be necessary, especially when these intense and unpleasant feelings are pervasive and relentless.

Thus, embracing the full spectrum of emotions helps us understand their purpose and manage them effectively. According to Keltner, Brackett, and other emotion scientists, the goal isn’t to completely eliminate certain emotions but to regulate them so that we don’t have too many occurrences, can avoid overreaction, and don’t stay in those unpleasant emotions too long.

But how do we do that? Managing unpleasant emotions effectively involves more than just understanding them; it requires active engagement in practices that transform our relationship with these emotions. Here are insights and strategies I’ve gleaned from a few of my interviews with leading social scientists and my own exploration into the science.

Self-compassion: “The self-criticism that my students at Yale experience is just terrible,” says Laurie Santos of Yale University. She teaches that a better path to pursuing their goals and to motivating themselves could be through more self-compassion. She went on to share, “When they try it out, they start to realize . . . being kind to myself is actually pretty helpful and makes me procrastinate less and obviously makes me a lot happier.”

Strategy: Write a letter to yourself from a compassionate friend’s perspective. This form of psychological distancing has us using “you” and “your” and could look something like, “You’ve been pushing yourself really hard. Just a reminder that perfection isn’t the goal; progress is. Every step you take is bringing you closer to where you want to be. Keep going. You’re doing your best, and that’s enough.”

  • Self-Compassionate Letter

    Stop beating yourself up for flaws and mistakes

    Try It Now

Awe: Dacher Keltner describes awe as essential for mental and physical well-being. “There’s nothing better for you than a few minutes of awe,” claims Keltner. “It’s good for your immune system, it’s good for your heart, it’s good for your digestion, it’s good for your brain, it’s good for your sense of self, it’s good for your relationships.” This emphasizes how everyday encounters with awe can transform our lives.

Strategy: Everyday awe is attainable; we can use “awe outings” to appreciate the physical vastness and novelty in the world around us. Reflect on these transcendent moments to amplify their benefits and share the wonder with others to boost connectedness.

  • Awe Outing

    Find wonder and inspiration in the world outside

    Try It Now

Gratitude: Science reveals that gratitude can have an outsized, positive effect on well-being and relationships. Researcher Andrea Hussong suggests a practical approach to practicing gratitude focusing on “notice, think, feel, do”:

  • Notice the things in your life that you can be grateful for.

  • Think deeply about why you have been given this thing you value.

  • Reflect on how you feel about the gift you have been given.

  • What can you do to express appreciation?

The first three prompts are really about reflecting to experience gratitude, and the last prompt is a call to action to express gratitude.

Strategy: Gratitude journaling leads to better health and happiness, and there is no one way to do it. Consider using the “notice, think, feel, do” approach in your journaling to deepen the practice. We want to focus on depth over breadth and get specific on what we are grateful for. Possible topics include everyday things, family members, friends, health, coincidences, nature, experiences, tough times, places, or life lessons.

  • Gratitude Journal

    Count your blessings and enjoy better health and happiness

    Try It Now

Connection: Robert Waldinger’s research underscores the importance of maintaining robust social connections, which he calls “social fitness,” for both emotional and physical health. He shares, “‘Social fitness’ was a way to signal this is something you want to do every day, every week, small actions, just to keep in contact with the people you care about and to strengthen the connections you have with the people who are most important to you.” The power of our social bonds are not just about grand gestures, but more about the small, consistent acts of connection.

Strategy: Enhance social fitness by engaging in regular social activities, maintaining friendships, and participating in community events that cultivate strong interpersonal bonds. We can even make small talk with a stranger for social fitness.

  • Small Talk

    Strike up a brief conversation with a stranger to feel happier

    Try It Now

Kindness: “No one has ever become poor by giving,” Anne Frank famously noted, illustrating how prosocial behavior not only nurtures relationships but also plays a crucial role in our happiness. Performing acts of kindness mitigates stress and improves our mood, creating a cycle of positivity that strengthens our emotional resilience and enriches our social interactions.

Strategy: Even small acts of kindness can have a huge impact on the giver and the receiver. This could be anything from complimenting a coworker, helping a neighbor, or sending a thoughtful message to a friend. Capturing these acts in a journal can also magnify the positive results, making us more aware of our contributions to others’ happiness and our own.

  • Random Acts of Kindness

    How to feel happier by doing things for others

    Try It Now

These practices not only regulate emotions and reduce stress but also promote a greater sense of community. Keltner points out that “one of the fascinating things about the transcendent emotions—awe, compassion, gratitude, bliss, joy—is that they potentiate each other. And in a state of awe, what our studies show is people feel more generous, more cooperative, more humble, less self-focused. They’re more likely to see the humanity in other people.”

Every emotion, from joy to jealousy, sadness to satisfaction, has a purpose in our lives. As demonstrated in Inside Out and further explored in Inside Out 2, these emotions are not random but are essential components of our human experience, uniquely contributing to our personal growth and understanding.

Reflecting on the sequel, Keltner highlights a vital message: “I think [Inside Out 2] has a profoundly important message for our time about young people accepting themselves and valuing the right things, like friendship.” This insight underlines the significance of self-acceptance and the value of meaningful relationships in navigating today’s complex emotional landscapes.

Let’s actively engage with one of the strategies we’ve discussed—whether it’s taking awe outings, practicing positive self-talk, or strengthening social connections—and integrate it regularly into our lives. Learning from our emotions and applying these strategies, we can thrive, becoming more resilient and compassionate individually and collectively.

 © 2024 The Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, social-emotional learning, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn postgraduate degrees in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across four continents. She is the author of Evolving with Gratitude and the lead author of Evolving Learner. Her latest, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You & By You, is an innovative and interactive gratitude journal that empowers individuals of all ages to embrace their unique preferences and express gratitude in their own way.

Seven Ways to Be an Emotionally Intelligent Leader

Emotional intelligence skills can improve your well-being and help you be a better leader.

BY ROBIN STERN, JANET PATTI, KRISTA SMITH | JUNE 5, 2024

David, a school counselor, took a deep breath when he saw a missed call from his principal. As he touched the screen to call back, he braced for the “bark and the bite” he was accustomed to hearing from Principal Carrie.

This time was different.

In fact, he told us he was stunned when the voice that picked up sounded kind, even cheerful. He couldn’t believe it. After years of working together, he had grown to dread interactions with Principal Carrie, as had most of his colleagues. But this was clearly a different version of her. Who was this new principal, and what had she done with Carrie?

Carrie was finishing up a year of engagement in emotionally intelligent leadership coaching—a program designed to enhance leaders’ well-being through education and training in social and emotional skills.

Recent research from the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence supports the notion that emotionally intelligent school leadership predicts educator well-being, and we know that well-being and emotional intelligence skills are necessary for effective leadership, especially in times of crisis—from higher job satisfaction to lower emotional exhaustion and turnover intentions. Indeed, even when leaders, especially in education, have little to no control over their environment, they have control over their own behavior and can still cultivate a culture of healthy relationships and emotionally intelligent responses to uncontrollable circumstances. School leaders who have decided to invest in their own emotional intelligence and well-being consistently report interactions like the one between David and Carrie.

But doing so is no easy feat. Carrie came to us as many school leaders have in recent years: chronically stressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted. The job she loved was feeling increasingly unsustainable. Her distress was also affecting her colleagues, to the detriment of teachers and students alike. Carrie had been in education for nearly 25 years, but it was the last four years that had shaken the sustainability of her career. And who could blame her?

Ever-shifting rules, regulations, and ripple effects of the pandemic brought demands on school staff and leadership to a peak, straining an already turbulent educational landscape. Monitoring COVID-19 absences, distributing laptops in bulk, adapting curriculum for uncharted virtual territory, and consoling frightened, grieving students and families suddenly became daily tasks for which school leaders were held accountable.

Those new responsibilities added to pre-existing pressures and crises that they were already navigating daily, such as teacher turnover, inequitable funding, politicization of learning material, mental health, school safety, standardized testing, and, of course, the overwhelming influence of social media, artificial intelligence, and technology. Altogether, these factors created a web of uncertainties and challenges so great for even the most effective, seasoned leader to sustain.

So, where does that leave school leaders like Carrie?

While she could not fix, on a day-to-day basis, the systemic problems that made her job so stressful, Carrie could invest in her well-being by regularly practicing emotion regulation techniques and modeling these behaviors for others, like practicing reframing and turning moments of harsh criticism to compassion. While she could not eliminate the stress, she could be more committed to getting more sleep, cutting down on sugar, and walking 10 minutes a day—activities that will positively affect mental and physical well-being. It is crucial that school leaders have the tools to realistically assess what they can and can’t do to create greater well-being and leader effectiveness.

And this is just what Carrie did—and all school leaders can do—using strategies provided in our new book, Emotional Intelligence for School Leaders. We offer tips for harnessing a healthier you and, in turn, healthier relationships. It’s this emotionally intelligent leadership that will help you to not just survive but thrive in the ever-demanding landscape of education.

Emotional Intelligence for School Leaders (Harvard Education PR, 2023, 304 pages)

Check in with your emotions regularly—and honor them. Before rushing into the hectic schedule of each day, pencil in time to sit and reflect on how you feel. Your emotions give you important information. They are not something to simply ignore or push away. Your emotions will inevitably influence your conversations, behaviors, and relationships whether you notice it or not (recall David’s long-held impression of Carrie). Prior to a meeting, event, or other obligation, prioritize a few minutes to honor and assess your own well-being. This could be through silent reflection, journaling, or even apps on your phone like How We Feel, a handheld journal that helps you name, track, and better understand your emotions.

Regulate your emotions. Checking in with your emotions is one crucial piece of the emotional intelligence puzzle; you have to be able to name it to tame it. Regulating, or managing, those emotions is another. While feeling joyful or proud may not require strategies to help you stay grounded, feeling angry or burned out certainly do—and you may experience all of these emotions on any given school day. Identify strategies that are sustainable and beneficial for managing your big emotions in challenging moments, such as mindful breathing, meditation, or pausing your schedule to take a walk outside before a demanding situation overwhelms you. Such practices don’t actually take up much time—just a few minutes—but the benefits are evergreen.

Establish clear boundaries and stick to them. We know how hard this one can be. In an environment that constantly asks you to say “yes,” we challenge you to say “no” more often. This can look like rescheduling a meeting (or canceling it if it “could’ve been an email”) or extending a deadline for your colleagues so everyone has some breathing room. Leaning on emotion regulation techniques above, identify circumstances that are most emotionally taxing for you, which tasks you can delegate to others (don’t be afraid to ask for help!), and where you can reallocate your energy for better use.

Listen with empathy and without judgment. School leaders cannot afford to be “too busy” to listen to each other and elicit feedback in school settings. Active listening builds trust. The moment we are too overbooked to engage in authentic conversation with colleagues, we can quickly lose our emotional regulation, our boundaries, and our purpose. It’s a slippery slope to devolving into unhealthy, transactional relationships. Even in the most strenuous circumstances, aim to be an emotion scientist—curious about your own and others’ emotions—and a learner, not just a responder in times of crisis.

Reflect often. It is critical that school leaders create safe spaces or practices dedicated to self-care through self-reflection. Some leaders pipe in music to create a meditative environment throughout school hallways, others close their doors to give themselves space when needed. Some take a five-minute walking meditation outside the school. We have seen more and more leaders embrace personal/professional coaching to create regular time to reflect on actions taken, decisions to be made, and emotional responses. Because leadership entails co-regulation, reflection leads to opportunities for strengthening your own emotion regulation muscles as well as co-regulating with others.

Nurture your relationships. The people you work with will enhance your mood or squash it. And you can enhance or squash theirs. Aim to be the enhancer by greeting people with a smile, asking them how they are feeling and taking time to listen to the answer, creating opportunities for everyone’s voice to be heard, giving others a shoutout when they achieve, and remembering to be a curious emotion scientist. Investing time and energy in your relationships will make all the difference in building trust and motivation needed for others to wholeheartedly join you in making your vision a reality.

Model for others. Emotions are social and contagious components of life. When you prioritize your own emotional well-being, boundaries, and interpersonal relationships, it shows and it rubs off on others. Just as annoyance or frustration from your morning meeting can spill into your afternoon check-in, so can your balance, appreciation, or gratitude. In using the techniques we’ve discussed, you simultaneously model for others what emotional intelligence looks like in practice to the benefit of your students, staff, and self.

© 2023 The Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley