When Empathy is Rejected: Staying Open Without Losing Yourself

By John Ford

Reaching out to a loved one in times of political and emotional division is an act of vulnerability. It takes courage to invite someone into a space of mutual understanding, especially when that invitation is met with resistance—or worse, dismissal.

What do you do when you extend a hand in empathy, only to have it brushed aside? How do you stay open without feeling crushed? How do you care for yourself while holding onto hope for connection?

The Pain of Being Rebuffed

When you reach out with sincerity, hoping to be heard, and instead receive a response that dismisses your feelings or minimizes your concerns, it can feel like a gut punch. You weren’t looking for a debate. You weren’t asking for agreement. You were asking to be seen. And instead, you were told to "chill."

Responses like these often reveal a fundamental disconnect:

• You sought emotional connection; they responded with logic or indifference.

• You wanted acknowledgment of your distress; they reassured you that everything is fine.

• You were asking for empathy; they heard it as an argument.

This gap in perception is frustrating, and it can feel deeply lonely—especially when it comes from someone you love.

Why Might They Respond This Way?

When someone resists engaging empathetically, it’s often not because they don’t care, but because they feel unequipped, uninterested, or even threatened. Consider these possibilities:

• They see emotions as irrational. Some people, consciously or unconsciously, equate emotional distress with weakness or overreaction. Instead of sitting with discomfort, they push it away.

• They fear conflict. A deep conversation may feel too risky or too exhausting, especially if they think it could lead to more division.

• They believe that acknowledging your pain means they have to change their own views. Rather than listening as an act of care, they assume you are trying to persuade them, and they put up defenses.

• They genuinely don’t feel the same way and don’t understand why it affects you so deeply. And instead of trying to understand, they dismiss.

None of these are excuses, but understanding them can help soften the sting.

What You Can Do Instead of Giving Up

So where do you go from here? How do you stay open when your invitation to empathy is rejected?

1. Acknowledge the Disconnect

If you sense that they are misunderstanding your intent, you can gently name the gap:

"I hear that you don’t feel the same way I do, and that’s okay. But I wasn’t looking for a debate. I was hoping for empathy—not about policies, but about what this moment means to me and how it’s affecting me personally. That’s what I need from you and why I suggested an empathy circle."

This clarifies that you’re not trying to argue— you’re trying to connect.

2. Name Your Emotional Need Directly

Some people won’t intuit what you’re asking for, so say it clearly:

"When I share my fears and grief, I need to feel that you care about my experience—not that you agree with me, but that you care that I’m struggling."

This removes any question about your agenda. You’re not asking for validation of your political views; you’re asking for relational care.

3. Decide Whether to Keep Engaging or Step Back

If their response remains dismissive or defensive, it may not be the right time for this conversation. You can signal your boundaries while keeping the door open:

"I love you, but I don’t think we’re in the same place right now. Maybe we can just focus on what connects us today."

This protects your energy without completely shutting them out.

Taking Care of Yourself When Connection Fails

When a loved one doesn’t meet you in the space of empathy, it’s painful. But your well-being doesn’t have to depend on their ability to hold space for you. Here’s how to take care of yourself:

1. Seek Empathy Elsewhere

Not everyone is capable of offering the emotional support we long for, but that doesn’t mean you have to go without it. Who in your life can hold space for you? A friend, a partner, a therapist, a community?

2. Set a Personal Boundary

You don’t have to engage in conversations that leave you feeling dismissed or drained. Protect your energy by recognizing when to step away.

"I love you, but I need to step away from this conversation for now. It hurts to feel dismissed when I’m sharing something deeply personal."

3. Stay Open Without Staying Vulnerable to Harm

Holding onto empathy doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be repeatedly hurt. You can continue to care about your loved one without expecting them to meet your emotional needs.

If they aren’t willing to meet you in understanding, consider shifting your focus:

• Can you find a different way to connect that isn’t emotionally charged?

• Can you accept that they might not have the capacity for deep emotional exchange?

• Can you practice radical acceptance while maintaining self-protection?

An Invitation to Keep Choosing Empathy

Empathy is an act of courage. It’s risky because it asks us to open our hearts without a guarantee that we will be met in kind. Sometimes, we will be met with love and understanding. Other times, we won’t.

But staying open—to connection, to curiosity, to love—is always worth it. Not because the other person will always reciprocate, but because choosing empathy makes you more whole.

So if you’ve reached out and been met with rejection, hold steady. Breathe. Find the care you need elsewhere. And when the time is right, keep your heart open to the possibility of understanding—if not today, then maybe tomorrow.

Empathy Circles: A Path to Understanding in Times of Political Division

By John Ford,

In times of deep political and social division, it can feel impossible to have meaningful conversations with those we love. Tensions rise, words become weapons, and the very people we cherish can feel like adversaries. But what if there were another way? A way to speak and listen—not to convince or debate, but to truly understand?

This is where Empathy Circles, a practice championed by Edwin Rutsch, offer a powerful alternative.

What Is an Empathy Circle?

An Empathy Circle is a structured process designed to help people listen deeply and feel heard. Unlike debates, where the goal is to win, or even ordinary conversations, where we often listen just long enough to craft our response, empathy circles slow us down. They create a space where we can sit with our differences without trying to erase them.

At its core, the process is simple:

1. One person speaks while another person listens.

2. The listener reflects back what they heard, without judgment or analysis.

3. The speaker confirms whether they feel heard.

4. The roles rotate, ensuring that everyone gets a chance to share and be understood.

By structuring the conversation this way, empathy circles prevent interruptions, misunderstandings, and the escalation of conflict. Instead, they cultivate curiosity, patience, and connection.

Why This Matters Now

We live in a world that thrives on division. Social media amplifies outrage, news cycles stoke fear, and political rhetoric encourages us to see “the other side” as the enemy. But for most of us, division isn’t just theoretical—it’s personal. It’s at our family gatherings, in our friendships, and even in our closest relationships.

The good news? We don’t have to accept this state of affairs. We can choose to engage differently. We can choose empathy.

A Prayer for Understanding: An Empathy Circle in Action

Sometimes, reaching out can feel like an act of faith. When emotions run high, when we feel wounded or misunderstood, it takes courage to choose connection over disconnection. The message below—adapted from a real conversation—offers one way to invite a loved one into a different kind of dialogue:

I’ve been reflecting on how easy it is, when we feel hurt or misunderstood, to close off, to push back, to want to wound rather than open. But I don’t want that for us. I want something deeper—something that makes space for both of us to be heard, to listen, and to understand.

I know the impulse to pull away, to let anger or fear take the lead. But I also know that when we slow down, when we truly listen, something shifts. Even in disagreement, even in pain, love can be present—not to erase our differences, but to hold them with care.

As we find ourselves struggling to connect, I’d love for us to try something different—something like an empathy circle, where we take turns speaking, reflect back what we hear, and make sure we truly understand before responding. Not to convince, not to win—just to see each other. Because we all matter.

An Invitation

Imagine if, instead of arguing past each other, more families tried this approach. Imagine if, instead of reacting with anger or silence, we responded with curiosity and presence.

Empathy Circles aren’t just a technique; they’re a mindset—a way of approaching difficult conversations with an open heart. They remind us that we are more than our opinions, that beneath our disagreements are shared fears, hopes, and a longing for connection.

So if there’s a conversation you’ve been avoiding, a relationship that feels strained, or a loved one you don’t know how to reach—consider this an invitation. Try an empathy circle. Step into the discomfort with love. And see what happens when you truly listen.

In a world that encourages us to fight or flee, empathy offers a third path: the path of understanding. And in times like these, it may be the most radical choice of all.

Resonant vs. Discordant Leadership: Navigating the Balance Between Connection and Accountability

By John Ford

“Leaders must step in to resolve task and process issues when employees can't manage them independently. They can’t afford to turn a blind eye when they notice things going off track.”

This statement captures a core challenge of leadership today. It’s no longer just about meeting deadlines or hitting targets; modern leadership requires understanding and managing the emotional landscape of a team. Leaders who prioritize being agreeable or playing "Mr. Nice" may find that, over time, standards slip and problems grow. Yet, those who step in to address issues often risk being labeled as micromanagers, viewed as overbearing or overly controlling.

It’s a tricky balance to maintain, and many leaders feel stuck between these two extremes, unsure how to strike the right note. However, mastering this balance is crucial, as successful leadership lies in fostering a culture of trust and collaboration without compromising on accountability. The best leaders navigate this challenge with skill, creating environments where issues are addressed constructively, and team members feel both supported and empowered.

The Challenge of Looking the Other Way

Choosing to look the other way to maintain harmony is a common yet risky move. Leaders who avoid conflict may think they are preserving team morale, but the consequences can be severe. Emotional dissonance starts to spread, and signs of a dysfunctional team emerge:

1. Grimaces and Anger: When frustrations go unaddressed, they manifest as tension and negativity, often impacting the whole team.

2. Fear and Apathy: Inconsistencies in enforcing standards lead to a culture of uncertainty and disengagement, where employees feel disconnected from their work.

3. Sullen Silence and Cynicism: Over time, the silence of unresolved issues becomes a breeding ground for cynicism and passive resistance.

4. Doubt and Insincerity: When leaders aren’t transparent or consistent, employees start doubting their sincerity, undermining trust.

5. Resentment and Contempt: The workplace becomes toxic, filled with unresolved grievances and growing discontent.

When leaders avoid taking action, hoping things improve on their own, they often achieve the opposite. The dissonance spreads, standards decline, and the overall team culture suffers.

The Perils of Being Seen as a Micromanager

Yet, addressing issues head-on brings its own set of challenges. Leaders who speak up and hold people accountable may be perceived as micromanagers, which can alienate their team. This is the fine line leaders must walk: How do you enforce high standards without making your team feel controlled or untrusted?

This tension leaves many leaders feeling stuck, unsure of how to proceed. The fear of being viewed as a threat can be paralyzing. But the best leaders find a way to navigate this delicate balance. They don’t compromise on emotional connection, nor do they shy away from setting expectations. Instead, they become masters of communication and empathy.

The Power of Resonant Leadership

The key to resolving this dilemma lies in resonant leadership. Resonant leaders understand the emotional currents running through their teams and use this awareness to address problems constructively. Here’s what effective resonance looks like:

1. Smiles and Laughter: These are indicators of a workplace where people feel genuinely happy and connected. Leaders who foster joy and warmth create a positive and engaging culture.

2. Spirited and Delightful Energy: When employees feel inspired and motivated, it’s because leaders have aligned the work environment with people’s passions and strengths.

3. Confidence and Trust: Resonant leaders build trust by being authentic, transparent, and consistent. They don’t shy away from tough conversations but handle them with empathy and respect.

4. Engagement and Commitment: Employees are most engaged when they feel that their work has meaning and that their leader is invested in their growth.

These leaders do address deviations from expected standards, but they do so in a way that feels supportive rather than punitive. By framing feedback constructively and being genuinely invested in their employees' success, they avoid being perceived as micromanagers. Instead, they become seen as reliable and empowering.

Navigating the Balance: Practical Strategies

So, how do you become a resonant leader? It starts with developing emotional intelligence and using tools like The Empathy Set to better understand your team’s needs. Here are a few strategies:

1. Stay Present and Aware: Regularly check in with your team to gauge the emotional atmosphere. Are smiles and laughter present, or is there a sullen silence? Use this awareness to inform your leadership decisions.

2. Address Issues Promptly, but Kindly: When you see a problem, don’t let it fester. However, approach it from a place of curiosity and empathy rather than judgment or control.

3. Be Transparent and Authentic: Share the reasons behind your decisions and show vulnerability where appropriate. This builds trust and shows that your actions come from a place of genuine care.

4. Frame Feedback as Growth: Instead of framing issues as failures, discuss them as opportunities for development. This way, your team sees you as a supportive guide rather than an enforcer.

Ultimately, resonant leaders know how to make tough decisions without compromising on emotional connection. They foster a culture of both high standards and deep trust, inspiring their teams to engage fully and deliver their best work.

Leadership is never simple, but by mastering the art of resonant leadership, you can transform your team’s dynamic and create lasting positive change.

How are you balancing the need for connection and accountability in your leadership role? Share your experiences and reflections below!

Empathy Steps

By Marshall Rosenberg, Ph. D.

From Getting Past the Pain Between Us: Healing and Reconciliation without Compromise

1

First, empathy requires presence, a focus on what is alive in the other person at this moment, on their feelings and needs.

2

Second, empathy requires checking things out with the other person, making sure you're connecting with their feelings and needs.

Each step mentioned so far can be done silently: being fully present, having your attention on the other person's feelings and needs. Or, we could check in verbally, reflect out loud what we sense the feelings and needs are.

3

The third step for empathizing is to stay with the person until they give you signs that they're finished.

4

The fourth step doesn't happen until the relief is felt. During the empathy process, if every time I understand something and they come back with, "Yes, and blah blah blah," that is a signal that they need more empathy. But when I feel this relief in tension, when I see that the person has stopped talking, chances are they've had the empathy they've need.

But I always like to triple check by saying to them, "Is there more that you'd like to say?" I've learned to be very slow in shifting the attention away from the other person to myself.

5

The fifth step, then, is to empathize with their "post-empathic" request, that something extra they want, but often don't know how to ask for. So if, after the empathy, I see them looking at me, I usually say, "Would you like to hear how I feel about what you said?" It's a very human thing to want to know how what you've given has affected the other person. Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't want to hear how I feel.

What's the Difference Between Assertiveness and Aggressiveness?

By Jeremy Pollack, Pollack Peacebuilding Systems

Assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts, needs, and opinions in a respectful and confident manner, while still considering other people’s perspectives. It is an essential quality for effective communication, conflict resolution, and building healthy relationships at work. But, it's crucial to differentiate between assertiveness and aggression.

Assertive individuals possess several key traits and behaviors that distinguish them in the workplace. These enable them to express their needs without resorting to aggression. Some of these behaviors and traits include: Confidence and Self-awareness, Active Listening Skills, Emotional Intelligence and Empathy, Calmness and Emotional Control, A Solution-Oriented Mindset, and setting boundaries in a respectful but clear way. These don’t sound aggressive, right? There’s no bullying, yelling, or manipulating.

Assertiveness is a healthy middle ground on the spectrum between avoidance and aggression. It’s the middle way, and ultimately the healthy way to communicate about your needs while considering other people’s needs as well.

This insightful short video on You Tube is worth watching!

Why Does Empathy Matter in Forgiveness?

By Emily J. Hooks

Empathy is the ability to walk a mile in another’s skin; to consider life from their perspective. It involves both an intellectual capacity to imagine and an emotional attunement to their experience. Empathy is an integral part of forgiving others and the self.

Forgiving Others

Let’s first look at why empathy matters when forgiving someone we perceive to have caused harm to us or somebody we love. For many, finding empathy for those who have hurt us is understandably difficult. No one wants to take the point of view of someone whom they resent or fear. Why would anyone want to envision the life of an abuser or a person whose values fundamentally differ from our own?

In The Power of Forgiveness, I talk about the skills we need to become forgiving.

• Understand Your Story

• Experience Your Emotional Pain

• Cultivate Empathy

• Learn to Release Judgment

It turns out that we can only get so far through the process without empathy. We can deconstruct and reimagine the stories we have about what happened; we can nurture and release our emotional pain; we can learn that our judgments stand in the way of freedom. But, it is almost impossible to fully release those judgments without an authentic appreciation for why the people who caused harm might have made the choices they made.

An important aspect of forgiving others involves allowing ourselves to open to the suffering of the other. To motivate willingness to do this, it is helpful to remember that you are not doing it for them. You are doing it for your liberation. The compassion that emerges can only open your heart to a more vibrant and full existence. And, while your forgiveness may or may not contribute to their healing, it is not and should not be your primary driver (or deterrent).

As you reflect on what this could look like for you, it can help to recognize that people who mistreat others are acting from, or reacting to, their own injury. And, while it can feel very personal, it is not. You were the unfortunate recipient of a transgression that was likely inevitable, with or without you.

Empathy and Self-forgiveness

It is theorized that human beings developed the capacity to empathize, at least in part, to enable us to anticipate the consequences of our conduct and the impact of that conduct on others. Essentially, it is a tool that provides insight into socially acceptable behaviors and the cost of violating social norms.

When individuals do something that hurts another person, they can react in several ways: indifference, minimization, guilt, shame. If the wrongdoer has the ability to empathize, they will be able to picture/feel the events that unfolded from other points of view. Even if they don’t evaluate what happened the same, they are more likely to feel bad for the impact and take corrective action. These conciliatory behaviors, in turn, ameliorate the guilt, making self-forgiveness more likely. Someone who cannot see circumstances from other vantage points has a much harder time recognizing either the need for self-forgiveness or a path forward through self-healing.

Why Empathy Is Challenging

People have varying aptitudes to empathize. But it is not, as popular culture might have you believe, a mystical ability. Some of us grew up in an environment where perspective-taking was valued, and others did not. In truth, almost anyone can quite quickly learn if they are willing.

One reason people vehemently resist empathy is good, old-fashioned annoyance.  It’s frustrating to think that part of finding our freedom demands that we extend any level of grace to those who seem responsible for suffering. This is why forgiveness is not a choice we make only once but a choice we have to make repeatedly along the journey. It may not be fair, but that doesn’t make it not so.

Another source of resistance is a lived or intuitive sense that opening to an empathic experience can be emotionally demanding. At first, it requires bravery to connect with the anguish of others intentionally. We have to choose what matters most and what we are willing to do to discover our true inner strength. Be patient and gentle and take the next step forward. I am in awe of the human capacity for courage when it matters most.

Exercise: Cultivating Empathy

Here’s an exercise to help demonstrate. Close your eyes and bring to your mind’s eye the image of someone utterly unlike you. Maybe they are standing on the side of the road, ruddy from the sun’s constant companionship, ragged and tired, begging for money from passersby. Or, maybe it is somebody you recently read about who committed an unthinkable crime. Take your time and visualize them in as much detail as you can.

Notice how your body responds to the imagery.

Now, ask yourself, what would have happened to cause you to be in that position? If you’re like most, your first thought will likely be an indignant, I would never; I can’t even… That’s cheating. Answer the question. What happened to you that led you to such profound despair?

Go back in time and imagine what living was like one year ago. Now five, ten. What were your parents like? Did they have to ability to demonstrate morality or fairness? Did they show you tenderness or even passing regard?

Now, visualize the person the day they were born. Are they different from your child or the child of a friend? Probably not. They had the same vulnerability, the same innate needs, and the same intrinsic curiosity and joy as we all do.

Check in with your body again and notice if/how your sensory experience has changed.

If you’re sincere and take your time, you will have embodied our common humanity—empathy—if only fleetingly. You will discover that we are all responding to life with the inner and outer resources available to us. We are doing the best we can to navigate our path through a sometimes seemingly senseless existence. What a gift you possess to have the awareness to choose healing and wholeness over suffering. That is not a gift we all receive.

Don’t be disheartened from starting the forgiveness journey if you feel confident you cannot develop empathy or compassion for the person you need to forgive. Most people can’t imagine being able to forgive at the beginning of the process. You can make significant progress regardless, and you may find when the time comes that it isn’t as unimaginable as it now seems.

When we elicit empathy for the sorrow that has shaped so many human experiences, we generate compassion for the shared human condition. Empathy makes the possibility of forgiving ourselves and others concrete because it broadens our perspective. When we empathize, we can see that, had we lived someone else’s life, we might have made the same choices as they have made. This is connection at the most fundamental level.

About Emily

I have spent the last decades focused on a healing journey centered on forgiveness. I studied spiritual and religious texts from around the globe. I studied psychological theory and practice. Most importantly, I forgave everyone who had ever caused me harm. I forgave myself for the pain I had caused.

Through this work, we can all find love, compassion, and empathy for others. It is possible to both mourn the loss of what was not and fully embrace what was, accepting that struggling against the past only causes more suffering. 

My first book, The Power of Forgiveness: A Guide to Healing and Wholeness, was published in 2017. Today, I share my story and a message of healing through forgiveness. One of my favorite things to do is facilitate workshops and seminars because I get to see that a-ha moment in peoples’ eyes. A lightbulb goes off, and they can finally see why they resisted their own healing for so long. 

I believe as we heal, the world heals. I believe our purpose is to contribute to the evolution of human understanding. We all matter.

https://emilyjhooks.com/about/

Empathic Listening 101

Empathy is a critical component of effective communication and building strong relationships. Listening empathically is a powerful tool that can help us connect with others on a deeper level, foster understanding, and reduce conflict. However, it's not always easy to listen empathically, as it requires us to set aside our own thoughts and opinions and be fully present in the conversation.

To listen empathically, the first step is to be present in the moment. This means putting aside any distractions, such as electronic devices, and focusing solely on the person who is speaking. It's also important to be attentive and alert, observing the speaker's tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions.

Once we have established a sense of presence, the next step is to follow the speaker's lead. This involves allowing them to guide the conversation, without interrupting or changing the subject. We must also avoid making assumptions about what the speaker is trying to say and instead allow them to express themselves fully.

Encouragement is also critical when listening empathically. We can do this by using open-ended questions to encourage the speaker to share more about their thoughts and feelings. Examples of such questions include "Can you tell me more about that?" or "What else comes to mind when you think about that?"

Empathizing is another key component of empathic listening. It involves acknowledging the speaker's emotions and validating their feelings. One way to do this is to reflect back what we hear using phrases like "It sounds like you're feeling frustrated" or "I can see why you would be upset about that." This helps the speaker feel heard and understood.

Clarification is also important in empathic listening. It involves asking questions to ensure that we understand what the speaker is saying accurately. This helps to avoid misunderstandings and allows us to gain a deeper understanding of the speaker's perspective.

Finally, summarizing what we have heard is an essential step in empathic listening. It demonstrates that we have understood the speaker's perspective, even if we do not agree with it. Using phrases like "So, if I understand correctly, you're saying..." or "It sounds like you feel..." can help to summarize the key points of the conversation.

While listening empathically can be challenging, the rewards are significant. It can help us build stronger relationships, promote understanding and reduce conflict. By following the steps outlined above, we can become better listeners and more empathetic communicators.

The Importance of Empathy

From LifeHacker (http://lifehacker.com/)

With an increasingly polarized and divided world, we need empathy more than ever before. Too often we are talking at each other, unable to listen and jumping to entirely wrong conclusions. Communication is fast becoming a stressful endeavor, which instead of connecting us, is increasing separation. So, what is empathy? We seem to have let go this most basic human characteristic. There are so many misconceptions around this simple and essential quality we seem to have forgotten. Learn more about empathy and how to develop it…

Some of the posts in relation to this video on You Tube:

Enrique Sanchez: “Empathy should be taught at every educational level because that's the key for living in harmony with the world. Empathy not only involves humans but also animals and every living creature and mother earth.”

Maureen O’Connell: “Empathy is, at its simplest, awareness of the feelings and emotions of other people. It is a key element of Emotional Intelligence, the link between self and others because it is how we as individuals understand what others are experiencing as if we were feeling it ourselves.”

BendingBananas: “Seriously, a lot of people could really use a good dosage of empathy. Imagine how much nicer everyone would be!“

Dakota Rose: “What a beautiful thing Empathy is. This video was great! Whoever made this did a good job creatively capturing the idea of empathy. Good work.”

What is Empathy?

NVC Lifehacks 51: Negotiating a time out

By Shantigarbha of Seeds of Peace,

In this Life Hack we explore ways of creating space for self-empathy when your emotional fuel tanks are low. We suggest practicing negotiating a time out with your loved ones so that they know what's going on before things get out of hand.

Seeds of Peace offer Nonviolent Communication training, courses, and events both online and in Bristol and the South West.

https://seedofpeace.org/

Empathy over the Phone

by Doug Wojcieszak,

I just completed a Sorry Works! training for a senior living community on the West Coast, and was asked a great question: "How do you convey empathy over the phone?

At Sorry Works, we spend a lot of time teaching empathetic communication skills to healthcare professionals, and the basic messaging includes good body language, using words like "sorry," listening, and then calling someone or putting a plan into action to address the needs of the patient or family.

Conveying empathy over the phone can be more challenging. Body language, eye contact, and appropriate touches (hand on arm, hugs, etc) are not possible. In-person meetings almost always beat phone calls, but phone calls can still be good. Think about it...for us older folks we know the value of talking over the phone versus the now popular methods of texting, messaging, and e-mail. You can absolutely connect with a person during a phone call. The human voice is powerful.

Some tips for difficult phone calls: When having a potentially challenging conversation on the phone, remember to take time. Don't sound rushed or give the caller the belief they are being hurried off the phone call. Give it a good five minutes, at least. Really take the time to listen, and since you don't have the advantage of body language occasionally interject small verbal cues such as "OK," "uh-huh," and "go on" to let the other person know you are listening. At some point you may stop the conversation with the following statement, "Mrs. Smith, I want to make sure I heard you correctly, so I am going to repeat what you said...X...X..X....did I hear you correctly?" Repeating words back is a great way for folks to feel heard.

When folks are upset, have a complaint, etc, don't forget to say sorry or show concern in other ways ("that's terrible...I am sorry you are upset"). Formulate an action plan with a measurable next step ("Can I call you with an update at 8am tomorrow morning?). Make sure you have contact information for the caller. Finally, thank the person for calling and sharing their concerns. Patients and families are the reason you have a job.

Now, if a person wants to keep talking and talking, and talking some more, or is pelting you with a circular conversation (repeatedly making the same point or complaint), it is OK to tactfully conclude the discussion: "Mrs. Jones, I have heard your concern about X and have committed to a plan of action.....is there anything else you need help with? I do need to see other patients..."

Lastly, if you don't have time for a quality phone call because there are more pressing or emergent matters, say something like this, "Mr. Watson...thank you for calling me...I can't give you the time you deserve right now...can I call you back at 2pm today?" Most folks will understand. However, you have to follow through on your commitment.

Doug Wojcieszak, Founder and President
Sorry Works!
618-559-8168 (direct dial)
doug@sorryworks.net

The Empathy Set App

To get an idea of what the empathy set is and how to use, please watch this short (1:48) explainer video. For more information about The Empathy Set App, please click here.

Kid tears card as powerful gesture on path to resolution facilitated by teacher!

In this short video, John Ford, producer of The Empathy Set of Cards, interviews guest Nona Ikeda about her experience using the cards to resolve a conflict between two students at a Charter School in Northern California.

To watch the full interview from which this portion is extracted, click here.

Empathize with humanity, but...