Emotional Avoidance: The Hidden Crisis in Our Lives
“When we close the door to our feelings, we close the door to the vital currents that energize and activate our thoughts and actions.”
— Gary Zukav
One of the most pervasive challenges we face, whether in our personal lives, workplaces, or broader communities, is emotional avoidance. This behavior—where we actively avoid feeling and processing our emotions—has far-reaching consequences that can leave relationships strained, workplaces toxic, and our personal growth stunted.
Emotional avoidance is the pattern of sidestepping our emotions, either by suppressing them or by overreacting in ways that distract from the underlying feelings. Ideally, we should allow our emotions to be felt fully in the present moment, letting them inform our decisions and then releasing them. However, when we avoid our emotions, they don't simply disappear. Instead, they linger, creating what many refer to as "emotional baggage," which can weigh us down and affect our future interactions.
The Cost of Emotional Avoidance
Dr. Mark Atkinson describes the cost of emotional avoidance succinctly:
“If I had to single out just one factor that represented the most common block to personal growth it would be this—emotion avoidance. Put simply, fear of feeling our emotions is pandemic amongst human beings and for many people at the heart of broken relationships, low levels of intimacy, unhappiness, unexplained bodily symptoms, and devitalization.”
We often fear our emotions, particularly those we label as negative—anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, and contempt. But in reality, all emotions carry important information that can guide our actions and decisions. By avoiding these emotions, we miss out on the insights they provide, leading to unresolved tensions and, ultimately, to dysfunctional relationships and environments.
The Two Faces of Emotional Avoidance
Emotional avoidance generally manifests in two broad strategies, each tied to our natural fight-or-flight response:
The Avoiders: These individuals tend to ignore or suppress their unwanted emotions. They bottle up their feelings, keeping them under wraps until they eventually spill over in passive-aggressive behaviors—missed deadlines, "forgetting" tasks, or intentional inefficiency. Often, these behaviors aren't even recognized by the avoiders themselves, making the problem even more insidious.
The Fighters: On the other end of the spectrum are those who fear losing control of their emotions, especially anger. These individuals may be well aware of their feelings but are terrified of them. When triggered, they may lash out, later regretting their words or actions. Their emotional flooding overwhelms them, making it hard to see situations clearly and respond appropriately.
Both strategies are equally problematic, and neither is more mature or evolved than the other. The truth is, we are all in this together, navigating the murky waters of emotional avoidance.
The Cultural Collusion with Avoidance
Despite the personal and relational costs, emotional avoidance is often encouraged by cultural norms. We tell people to "check their emotions at the door" or to "not bring feelings to work." Children are socialized to deny what they feel, often instructed to apologize when they don’t mean it, to smile when they’re sad, or to say "thank you" when they’re angry.
This widespread cultural message perpetuates the cycle of avoidance. Those who suppress their feelings may not even realize the impact of their actions, while those who express their emotions often face social reprimand for being too "emotional."
Where Do We Begin?
The crisis of emotional avoidance is a collective one, and no one is immune. The first step toward addressing this issue is awareness. Recognizing whether you tend toward avoidance or confrontation when triggered gives you the power to make different choices.
Ask yourself:
How aware are you of your own emotional patterns?
Do you tend to avoid or confront when emotions run high?
How comfortable are you in expressing your feelings and asserting yourself?
How effectively do you engage in conflict?
And consider these questions for those around you, whether in your personal relationships or professional environment. Emotional intelligence, or the lack thereof, impacts all our interactions, and as long as we continue to swim in the waters of emotional avoidance, it will be difficult to address underlying toxicity in any context.
Conclusion
Emotional avoidance is more than just a personal challenge; it’s a widespread issue that affects every aspect of our lives. From the workplace to our homes, the fear of feeling can lead to a culture of disconnection and dysfunction. It’s time we start addressing this hidden crisis, recognizing our patterns, and finding ways to reconnect with our emotions in a healthy, constructive manner. Only then can we begin to heal our relationships, foster genuine connection, and create environments where emotional intelligence is valued and nurtured.
Neuroscience Meets Social and Emotional Learning podcast!
Interview by Andrea Samadi on 7/30/24
Welcome back to Season 12 of the Neuroscience Meets Social and Emotional Learning podcast! In episode number 340, host Andrea Samadi speaks with John Ford, an experienced workplace mediator and author of "Peace at Work: The HR Manager's Guide to Workplace Mediation." With a wealth of expertise in conflict resolution, emotional intelligence, and soft skills training, John shares his journey from practicing law to becoming a mediator. He discusses the importance of trust, effective communication, and addressing conflict head-on in both personal and professional settings. Discover practical tools like talking sticks and empathy cards, and learn how to apply neuroscience and emotional intelligence to navigate conflicts and improve workplace dynamics. Don't miss this insightful conversation that bridges the gap between science and everyday application!
Topics we will cover:
* The importance of acquiring Emotional Intelligence Skills for conflict resolution in our workplaces of the future.
* The influencers who inspired John Ford's work (Daniel Goleman, John Gottman, Ken Cloke and many more.
* Tools and resources to support Conflict Resolution in our workplaces.
Watch our interview on YouTube here https://lnkd.in/g5PE6v9N or
Listen https://lnkd.in/gsiZZUsj on Podbean.
hashtag#emotionalintelligence hashtag#JohnFord hashtag#schools hashtag#Sports hashtag#workplace hashtag#conflictresolution hashtag#SEL hashtag#neuroscience hashtag#softskills hashtag#empathy
Kid tears card as powerful gesture on path to resolution facilitated by teacher!
In this short video, John Ford, producer of The Empathy Set of Cards, interviews guest Nona Ikeda about her experience using the cards to resolve a conflict between two students at a Charter School in Northern California.
To watch the full interview from which this portion is extracted, click here.
Tips to Maximize Your Conflict Resolution Experience
A conflict resolution conversation represents an opportunity to do something different. To stop fighting and collaborate. So, what can you do to make the most of your opportunity to get to a mutually beneficial agreement?
1. Prepare
You’ve probably heard how failing to prepare, is preparing to fail. And this is very true of our conflict situations. There are things you can do to get yourself ready so that you can be at your best when having a difficult conversation. We can figure out in advance what we are feeling, what we need, what external norms, standards and laws are at stake, but also what we’ll do if we don’t reach agreement. Completing the worksheet on the back is a great idea!
2. Listen to understand
The best way to persuade another person is by listening well. “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”, said the late Stephen Covey. Yet listening is one of the hardest skills to master – especially when we perceive the other negatively. As long as you are listening and demonstrating that you understand what the other is saying, you are more likely to reach your goal: agreement.
3. Respond wisely, don’t react defensively
Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl famously pointed out that there is a gap between stimulus and response and that in that gap lay our freedom. We respond wisely to our conflict situations when we are able to articulate what we are feeling and needing and our actions are guided by our highest values. By contrast, when we react defensively, we judge and blame and escalate the situation.
4. Use I Statements to communicate without judgment or blame
‘I’ statements are different from ‘you’ statements. You statement are judgmental and shut down communication. They are ineffective communicators of what people really feel or need.
By contrast, ‘I’ statements are empathic and open up communication. They require you to describe the situation observationally; to identify how you feel about what you have observed; to articulate your needs that are not being met and which give rise to your feelings; and to describe the concrete actions you need to move forward.
The four elements of an ‘I’ Statement are:
o I feel… (Feelings)
o When… (Observation: describe behavior in non-blaming terms)
o Because… (Needs)
o Make a positive behavior request. (Request)
For example: “I feel frustrated when you start talking before I have finished because my full message is important. I would appreciate it if you could let me finish talking first.”
5. Assert your needs and be creative when you brainstorm solutions
To assert your needs, you must first know what they are. Sadly, we often don’t know what we are needing and focus more on our judgments and demands of others. Reframe the conversation to focus on your needs. Coming into the conversation knowing what your needs are will make a huge difference. And, the more you can anticipate what your colleague needs the better. Once we have a good sense of what we each need moving forward, we have an opportunity to find mutually beneficial solutions. In many senses, we are limited by our own creativity.
6. Consider what external norms, standards, and laws are at stake
Conflict plays out within a particular context in which participants have expectations of what will happen based on what has happened to others (precedent), and also any relevant norms, standards and law. Knowing this in advance, will help. For example, if you have a concern about noise, is there a policy or directive in the handbook that describes what to expect?
7. Know what you will do if you don’t reach agreement
It is important to know what you will do if you don’t reach an agreement (your alternatives). Also, it’s wise to contemplate what the other person may do (their alternatives). You may not like what is being offered but if you don’t have a better alternative away from the table it may be wise to accept what’s on the table. Knowing what your best alternatives are, will inform you as to whether you should accept an offer made. If you have a better way of meeting your needs on your own (a strong alternative) you won’t be as motivated to work something out. However, if you don’t, then you will be more motivated to find a mutual way forward.
8. Focus on the future
When it comes to resolving conflict, mediators encourage you to focus on the future you would like to create, rather than on the past that didn’t work. At the same time, it is important to be able to talk about what happened in the past, so that you can get closure, but always with an eye to the future you are envisioning.
9. Be conciliatory
A genuine apology is a conciliatory gesture. If you need to apologize, do so. And if your colleague is conciliatory, make sure you acknowledge the gesture and reward it. Don't respond to conciliatory gestures with an attack. For example, "I can see my part in this problem" is conciliatory. Saying "It’s about time" or something to that effect, negates the impact of the gesture.
10. Be Open
Doing what we always did got us here! View the conflict resolution conversation as a way to do things differently. So, if you come into the conversation thinking you are right, have all the answers and have nothing to learn then it is unlikely that you are going to work things out. By contrast, if you are open to showing up differently, then there is a reason to be hopeful. Either you are open or closed. Be open!
Preparation Worksheet Questions:
What am I feeling?
What may my colleague be feeling?
What do I need?
What are my colleagues needs?
What external norms, standards, precedents or laws have a bearing on the situation?
What external norms, standards, precedents or laws have a bearing on the situation?
What will I do if we don’t reach an agreement? Consider best and worst cases.
What will my colleague most likely do if we don’t reach an agreement? Consider best and worst cases.