Harnessing Emotional Energy to Transform Conflict In Mediation

By John Ford

Mediation is much more than a structured process for resolving disputes—it is an emotional journey, as Jharna Jagtiani insightfully points out in her article on Mediate.com Understanding the Role of Emotions in Mediation. Emotions, whether positive or negative, serve as both catalysts for and barriers to resolution. As mediators, we must move beyond procedural facilitation to recognize and honor the emotional energy that permeates the process.

Building on Jagtiani’s perspective, I’d like to explore the role of emotions as energetic forces that provide critical information about the parties’ underlying needs, while also highlighting how mediators can transform these emotions into pathways for resolution.

Emotions as the Language of Conflict

In Peace at Work, I emphasize that emotions are often the first way we recognize that conflict exists. As Peter T. Coleman eloquently states, “We need models that not only see emotions as the energy behind the conflicts, but also recognize that they create the context through which we experience conflict.” Mediators who acknowledge this can better assist participants in uncovering the emotional truths that hold conflict in place.

Jagtiani rightly observes that negative emotions such as anger and frustration can escalate tensions, while positive emotions like hope can foster cooperation. I would add that emotions are also carriers of unintegrated energy, or "emotional baggage," as unresolved past hurts often resurface during mediation. This dynamic highlights the transformative potential of allowing parties to feel and process their emotions fully, a concept deeply rooted in Gestalt therapy and echoed by thinkers like Deepak Chopra: “Until you make peace with negative feelings, they will persist.”

Techniques for Mediating Emotional Energy

Jagtiani outlines essential techniques such as active listening, reframing, and empathy, which are foundational to managing emotional dynamics in mediation. Expanding on her ideas, I offer additional insights into working with emotional energy:

1. Encouraging Emotional Expression Without Judgment
   When parties feel safe to express their emotions, they can release the “residue” of unresolved feelings. This is critical for creating an environment where healing and resolution can occur. Mediators must validate emotions while gently guiding participants toward constructive dialogue.

2. Connecting Emotions to Needs
   Beneath every emotional reaction lies an unmet need. By encouraging participants to articulate what they feel and exploring the needs that drive these feelings, mediators can shift the focus from positions to interests. This aligns with Jagtiani’s emphasis on identifying underlying concerns and builds on the idea of emotions as carriers of vital information.

3. Helping Participants "Get Real"
   As I note in Peace at Work, mediators can role model authenticity by encouraging participants to “get real” with each other. While not all parties are ready or willing to delve into their emotional dynamics, even small insights into their emotional triggers can lead to profound breakthroughs.

The Transformative Power of Emotional Insight

Emotions are more than fleeting reactions—they are the energetic currents that shape our thoughts, perceptions, and actions. Jagtiani highlights the importance of emotional intelligence in mediation, and I fully agree. Yet, I also believe that mediators must be attuned to the deeper relationship between present emotional triggers and past emotional imprinting.

When mediators help participants connect their current emotional responses to unresolved past experiences, profound shifts can occur. For instance, a party may realize that their anger is less about the present conflict and more about a long-standing sense of being undervalued. Such insights not only dissolve emotional barriers but also open the door to forgiveness and reconciliation.

Emotions as Bridges to Resolution

Both Jagtiani and I share the belief that mediators must prioritize emotional intelligence alongside procedural skills. Emotions, as challenging as they may be to navigate, hold the key to understanding and resolving conflict. As Gary Zukav reminds us, “When we close the door to our feelings, we close the door to the vital currents that energize and activate our thoughts and actions.”

By embracing emotions as a natural part of the mediation process and working with their energy, mediators can transform potential barriers into bridges toward understanding. Techniques like active listening, creating safe spaces, and fostering emotional insights empower parties to move beyond entrenched positions and achieve resolutions that are both practical and meaningful.

Incorporating emotional intelligence into mediation is not just an option—it is a necessity. As Jagtiani’s article and my experiences in workplace mediation demonstrate, addressing emotional dynamics effectively can elevate mediation from a problem-solving process to a transformative journey of healing and growth. Let us, as mediators, commit to recognizing and working with the emotional energy of conflict, for it is here that true resolution lies.

Executive Summary

This summary and podcast recording was generated by Notebook LM based on this article that was inspired by Jharna Jagtiani’s on Mediate.com Understanding the Role of Emotions in Mediation.:

Key ideas from the text include:

● Emotions are the first way we recognize conflict. They act as the energy behind conflicts and create the context through which we experience conflict.

● Negative emotions, like anger, can escalate tension, while positive emotions, like hope, can foster cooperation.

● Emotions can also be carriers of unresolved past hurts that resurface during mediation.

● Mediators should create a safe space for parties to express their emotions without judgment.

● It is important to connect emotions to the unmet needs that drive them. This can shift the focus from positions to interests.

● Mediators can encourage parties to be authentic with each other.

● When mediators help participants connect current emotional responses to past experiences, profound shifts can occur. This can lead to forgiveness and reconciliation.

● Techniques such as active listening, reframing, and empathy are essential to managing emotional dynamics in mediation.

● Addressing emotional dynamics can elevate mediation to a transformative journey of healing and growth.

Below is the podcast conversation generated by Notebook LM. It’s actually quite excellent!!

From Reaction to Response: Choosing Conscious Conflict Resolution

John Ford's "From Reaction to Response" explores the distinction between reactive and responsive approaches to conflict. Reactive responses, stemming from unconscious emotional triggers and past experiences, involve blame and victimhood. Responsive approaches, conversely, emphasize taking responsibility for one's emotions and consciously choosing how to react. The author advocates for emotional awareness and the rewiring of ingrained reactive patterns to foster healthier conflict resolution. This involves acknowledging and processing emotions without judgment to break destructive cycles. Ultimately, the text argues that shifting from reaction to response requires conscious effort and self-awareness.

This recording was generated by Notebook LM based on the article I wrote in March 2008, the full text of which appears below:

From Reaction to Response: Conflict As A Choice

By John Ford

March 10, 2008

Once we embrace that conflict is inevitable in social relationships, the question we have to ask is “how do we respond?” Responsibly, we’d hope. Yet, for the most part, when we are in conflict, we are not very responsive, and tend to be reactive. Shifting to a responsive approach to conflict is easier said than done. When we are in conflict situations, we are typically being triggered and reverting to our unconscious conflict handling scripts.

What’s the difference between a responsive and a reactive approach? When we respond to the challenges of life-including our conflict situations-we take responsibility for our role in the situation, we are in tune with what we are feeling and why, and our thoughts, words and behaviors are conscious of the bigger picture. By contrast, when we react, we shift responsibility for the situation to the other through blame; we assume the victim role and are ‘justifiably’ carried away by powerful feelings like anger, fear and grief. We use an unconscious template for reaction that seeks acknowledgement, justice, restoration, and even revenge.

One of the reasons that it is so hard to be responsive is that we experience and are typically exposed to unproductive conflict scripts from the time of our birth. Our earliest lessons come from the approach our parents take to their own conflict, our experience of how our parents deal with us, and as we grow up, through our interactions with siblings, friends, colleagues, teachers and bosses. If we struggle to deal with our differences with the aid of language, try and imagine how hard it was during those early pre-verbal years when we didn’t even have a word to describe conflict.

As a species we have achieved great physical and mental milestones, and yet when we are threatened by another’s behavior-as is typically the case in conflict-we reveal how immature we are emotionally. It is as if we revert to our childhood mentality when we are triggered.

Knowing this at an intellectual level is one thing. Being able to shift our physical and emotional behavior from reaction to responsive choice when we are actually triggered is another. If only, because when we are triggered, we are by definition not in our most conscious state. Our well worn neural pathways take us away from the perspective taking cortex, into the reflexive limbic structures such as the amygdala. We are in a reactive survival mode.

As modern neurologists, such as Antonio Damasio, have helped us understand, emotions are enmeshed in the neural networks of reason. In other words, there is no such thing as a decision free of emotion. Yet in our culture, we continuously hear expressions that extol the virtue of not making emotional decisions. This is one of the great challenges of our time-how to mature emotionally, such that we can make responsible emotional decisions about how to deal with our differences (aka conflict).

There are two ways we can approach our penchant for reactivity. One focuses on the moment that we are triggered, and seeks to restore short term balance. It is really the symptomatic response-the band aid-that helps the person in conflict calm down, and release the primal grip of the amygdala so that the cortex can come into play. There are a variety of calming techniques that help with this. Until the next time we are triggered!

The other is more causal and seeks to transform the trigger mechanism itself. This approach is centered on taking responsibility for our own emotions and learning new templates for our emotional responses. It relies on the inherent plasticity of the brain to rewire its well worn templates.

Stuff happens. We all experience pain and discomfort. The shift is in seeing that when we are triggered, it is not because of something out there that is happening, but rather the interpretation we give to the situation. A blue sky can mean hell for a farmer desperate for rain, and joy for a sunbather at a beach. What triggers one, will not necessarily trigger another. Playing the victim is a choice. And when we do, it feeds into our tendencies to react.

If we can make the shift from victim to navigator of the quality of our own experiences, we can start to work with the energy of the emotion. So often we suppress what it is that we are feeling, or just give our emotions free reign. Both of these reactions are tempting, but do not help shift the trigger mechanism. In fact the unresolved emotional energy continues to seek release and sets in motion the characteristic spiral dynamic of destructive conflict.

Gestalt therapy has a simple suggestion for change-feel what you are feeling. It is only when we are able to experience where we are emotionally that we can move somewhere else. Some find this scary. Imagine, allowing yourself to feel the anger. Almost immediately you tell yourself to be bigger, and to show compassion. Or if you are disappointed at a friend, you chastise yourself for being judgmental. Yet, to change the way we are triggered, we must allow ourselves to feel what it is that we are feeling.

This does not mean that we wallow in our feelings. We use the attention of our mind to focus and clearly identify what it is that we are feeling. If we are able, we trace back in time, other experiences where we were triggered in a similar manner. You have probably heard people asking in exasperation, “why does this keep happening to me?” It is because they are carrying unresolved emotional energy that in all probability will take them back to an incident that occurred in the earliest years of their lives.

Once we have identified the emotional signature that we associate with the trigger, and explored its commonality with other life experiences, we can allow ourselves to feel the emotion, ideally with a mind that is compassionate. In other words, we do not judge ourselves for what we are feeling. When we can do this, the energy of the emotion can move, and not be hijacked by limiting neural structures like the amygdala.

When we allow our feelings, when we start to experience them fully, and to welcome them into the neural hallways of reason, we can start to respond in a more mature way to our life challenges. We are able to take the stock of the bigger perspective and incorporate the significance of what is happening to us right here, right now.

As long as we have unresolved emotional energy, we will always be triggered by this or by that. Each of us discovers through his or her triggers, the areas that seek integration. When we allow these situations to morph into conflict situations, we have choices. One path takes us toward the well worn templates of reaction. Another takes us toward calming techniques, and ways that work with (not against) the energy of the emotion.

This path is not easy, for in the moment of being triggered we are outraged that we are being treated the way we are. The situation in our mind rises to a level that demands a reaction-and when we don’t get the ‘response’ we expect, our ire only increases, and we set in motion the destructive cycles that we ultimately call conflict. A shift that is honest about our proclivity for reaction and which moves us toward-not away- from our emotions increases our chances of a conscious response to the challenges of the inevitable conflict that comes our way.

Being aware of the difference between a reactive and responsive approach is the start. Then the hard work begins. As we uncover the contours of our unconscious conflict handling scripts we can begin to shift. We learn how to calm down, to take responsibility for our reactions, and hopefully to feel what is going on a wholesome manner that doesn’t exclude our most creative problem solving capacities.

The Courage to Speak Up….

Emotional Avoidance: The Hidden Crisis in Our Lives

“When we close the door to our feelings, we close the door to the vital currents that energize and activate our thoughts and actions.”
— Gary Zukav

One of the most pervasive challenges we face, whether in our personal lives, workplaces, or broader communities, is emotional avoidance. This behavior—where we actively avoid feeling and processing our emotions—has far-reaching consequences that can leave relationships strained, workplaces toxic, and our personal growth stunted.

Emotional avoidance is the pattern of sidestepping our emotions, either by suppressing them or by overreacting in ways that distract from the underlying feelings. Ideally, we should allow our emotions to be felt fully in the present moment, letting them inform our decisions and then releasing them. However, when we avoid our emotions, they don't simply disappear. Instead, they linger, creating what many refer to as "emotional baggage," which can weigh us down and affect our future interactions.

The Cost of Emotional Avoidance

Dr. Mark Atkinson describes the cost of emotional avoidance succinctly:
“If I had to single out just one factor that represented the most common block to personal growth it would be this—emotion avoidance. Put simply, fear of feeling our emotions is pandemic amongst human beings and for many people at the heart of broken relationships, low levels of intimacy, unhappiness, unexplained bodily symptoms, and devitalization.”

We often fear our emotions, particularly those we label as negative—anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, and contempt. But in reality, all emotions carry important information that can guide our actions and decisions. By avoiding these emotions, we miss out on the insights they provide, leading to unresolved tensions and, ultimately, to dysfunctional relationships and environments.

The Two Faces of Emotional Avoidance

Emotional avoidance generally manifests in two broad strategies, each tied to our natural fight-or-flight response:

1. The Avoiders: These individuals tend to ignore or suppress their unwanted emotions. They bottle up their feelings, keeping them under wraps until they eventually spill over in passive-aggressive behaviors—missed deadlines, "forgetting" tasks, or intentional inefficiency. Often, these behaviors aren't even recognized by the avoiders themselves, making the problem even more insidious.

2. The Fighters: On the other end of the spectrum are those who fear losing control of their emotions, especially anger. These individuals may be well aware of their feelings but are terrified of them. When triggered, they may lash out, later regretting their words or actions. Their emotional flooding overwhelms them, making it hard to see situations clearly and respond appropriately.

Both strategies are equally problematic, and neither is more mature or evolved than the other. The truth is, we are all in this together, navigating the murky waters of emotional avoidance.

The Cultural Collusion with Avoidance

Despite the personal and relational costs, emotional avoidance is often encouraged by cultural norms. We tell people to "check their emotions at the door" or to "not bring feelings to work." Children are socialized to deny what they feel, often instructed to apologize when they don’t mean it, to smile when they’re sad, or to say "thank you" when they’re angry.

This widespread cultural message perpetuates the cycle of avoidance. Those who suppress their feelings may not even realize the impact of their actions, while those who express their emotions often face social reprimand for being too "emotional."

Where Do We Begin?

The crisis of emotional avoidance is a collective one, and no one is immune. The first step toward addressing this issue is awareness. Recognizing whether you tend toward avoidance or confrontation when triggered gives you the power to make different choices.

Ask yourself:

• How aware are you of your own emotional patterns?

• Do you tend to avoid or confront when emotions run high?

• How comfortable are you in expressing your feelings and asserting yourself?

• How effectively do you engage in conflict?

And consider these questions for those around you, whether in your personal relationships or professional environment. Emotional intelligence, or the lack thereof, impacts all our interactions, and as long as we continue to swim in the waters of emotional avoidance, it will be difficult to address underlying toxicity in any context.

Conclusion

Emotional avoidance is more than just a personal challenge; it’s a widespread issue that affects every aspect of our lives. From the workplace to our homes, the fear of feeling can lead to a culture of disconnection and dysfunction. It’s time we start addressing this hidden crisis, recognizing our patterns, and finding ways to reconnect with our emotions in a healthy, constructive manner. Only then can we begin to heal our relationships, foster genuine connection, and create environments where emotional intelligence is valued and nurtured.

Neuroscience Meets Social and Emotional Learning podcast!

Interview by Andrea Samadi on 7/30/24

Welcome back to Season 12 of the Neuroscience Meets Social and Emotional Learning podcast! In episode number 340, host Andrea Samadi speaks with John Ford, an experienced workplace mediator and author of "Peace at Work: The HR Manager's Guide to Workplace Mediation." With a wealth of expertise in conflict resolution, emotional intelligence, and soft skills training, John shares his journey from practicing law to becoming a mediator. He discusses the importance of trust, effective communication, and addressing conflict head-on in both personal and professional settings. Discover practical tools like talking sticks and empathy cards, and learn how to apply neuroscience and emotional intelligence to navigate conflicts and improve workplace dynamics. Don't miss this insightful conversation that bridges the gap between science and everyday application!

Topics we will cover:

* The importance of acquiring Emotional Intelligence Skills for conflict resolution in our workplaces of the future.
* The influencers who inspired John Ford's work (Daniel Goleman, John Gottman, Ken Cloke and many more.
* Tools and resources to support Conflict Resolution in our workplaces.

Watch our interview on YouTube here https://lnkd.in/g5PE6v9N  or

Listen https://lnkd.in/gsiZZUsj  on Podbean.

hashtag#emotionalintelligence hashtag#JohnFord hashtag#schools hashtag#Sports hashtag#workplace hashtag#conflictresolution hashtag#SEL hashtag#neuroscience hashtag#softskills hashtag#empathy

Kid tears card as powerful gesture on path to resolution facilitated by teacher!

In this short video, John Ford, producer of The Empathy Set of Cards, interviews guest Nona Ikeda about her experience using the cards to resolve a conflict between two students at a Charter School in Northern California.

To watch the full interview from which this portion is extracted, click here.

Tips to Maximize Your Conflict Resolution Experience

A conflict resolution conversation represents an opportunity to do something different. To stop fighting and collaborate. So, what can you do to make the most of your opportunity to get to a mutually beneficial agreement?

 1.         Prepare

You’ve probably heard how failing to prepare, is preparing to fail. And this is very true of our conflict situations. There are things you can do to get yourself ready so that you can be at your best when having a difficult conversation. We can figure out in advance what we are feeling, what we need, what external norms, standards and laws are at stake, but also what we’ll do if we don’t reach agreement. Completing the worksheet on the back is a great idea!

 2.         Listen to understand

The best way to persuade another person is by listening well. “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”, said the late Stephen Covey. Yet listening is one of the hardest skills to master – especially when we perceive the other negatively. As long as you are listening and demonstrating that you understand what the other is saying, you are more likely to reach your goal: agreement.

 3.         Respond wisely, don’t react defensively

Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl famously pointed out that there is a gap between stimulus and response and that in that gap lay our freedom. We respond wisely to our conflict situations when we are able to articulate what we are feeling and needing and our actions are guided by our highest values. By contrast, when we react defensively, we judge and blame and escalate the situation.

 4.         Use I Statements to communicate without judgment or blame

‘I’ statements are different from ‘you’ statements. You statement are judgmental and shut down communication. They are ineffective communicators of what people really feel or need.

By contrast, ‘I’ statements are empathic and open up communication. They require you to describe the situation observationally; to identify how you feel about what you have observed; to articulate your needs that are not being met and which give rise to your feelings; and to describe the concrete actions you need to move forward.

 The four elements of an ‘I’ Statement are:

o   I feel… (Feelings)

o   When… (Observation: describe behavior in non-blaming terms)

o   Because… (Needs)

o   Make a positive behavior request. (Request)

 For example: “I feel frustrated when you start talking before I have finished because my full message is important. I would appreciate it if you could let me finish talking first.”

 5.         Assert your needs and be creative when you brainstorm solutions

To assert your needs, you must first know what they are. Sadly, we often don’t know what we are needing and focus more on our judgments and demands of others. Reframe the conversation to focus on your needs. Coming into the conversation knowing what your needs are will make a huge difference. And, the more you can anticipate what your colleague needs the better. Once we have a good sense of what we each need moving forward, we have an opportunity to find mutually beneficial solutions. In many senses, we are limited by our own creativity.

 6.         Consider what external norms, standards, and laws are at stake

Conflict plays out within a particular context in which participants have expectations of what will happen based on what has happened to others (precedent), and also any relevant norms, standards and law. Knowing this in advance, will help. For example, if you have a concern about noise, is there a policy or directive in the handbook that describes what to expect?

 7.         Know what you will do if you don’t reach agreement

It is important to know what you will do if you don’t reach an agreement (your alternatives). Also, it’s wise to contemplate what the other person may do (their alternatives). You may not like what is being offered but if you don’t have a better alternative away from the table it may be wise to accept what’s on the table. Knowing what your best alternatives are, will inform you as to whether you should accept an offer made. If you have a better way of meeting your needs on your own (a strong alternative) you won’t be as motivated to work something out. However, if you don’t, then you will be more motivated to find a mutual way forward.

 8.         Focus on the future

When it comes to resolving conflict, mediators encourage you to focus on the future you would like to create, rather than on the past that didn’t work. At the same time, it is important to be able to talk about what happened in the past, so that you can get closure, but always with an eye to the future you are envisioning.

 9.         Be conciliatory

A genuine apology is a conciliatory gesture. If you need to apologize, do so. And if your colleague is conciliatory, make sure you acknowledge the gesture and reward it. Don't respond to conciliatory gestures with an attack. For example, "I can see my part in this problem" is conciliatory. Saying "It’s about time" or something to that effect, negates the impact of the gesture.

 10.       Be Open

Doing what we always did got us here! View the conflict resolution conversation as a way to do things differently. So, if you come into the conversation thinking you are right, have all the answers and have nothing to learn then it is unlikely that you are going to work things out. By contrast, if you are open to showing up differently, then there is a reason to be hopeful. Either you are open or closed. Be open!

Preparation Worksheet Questions:

What am I feeling?

What may my colleague be feeling?

What do I need?

What are my colleagues needs?

What external norms, standards, precedents or laws have a bearing on the situation?

What external norms, standards, precedents or laws have a bearing on the situation?

What will I do if we don’t reach an agreement? Consider best and worst cases.

What will my colleague most likely do if we don’t reach an agreement? Consider best and worst cases.