“When we close the door to our feelings, we close the door to the vital currents that energize and activate our thoughts and actions.”
— Gary Zukav
One of the most pervasive challenges we face, whether in our personal lives, workplaces, or broader communities, is emotional avoidance. This behavior—where we actively avoid feeling and processing our emotions—has far-reaching consequences that can leave relationships strained, workplaces toxic, and our personal growth stunted.
Emotional avoidance is the pattern of sidestepping our emotions, either by suppressing them or by overreacting in ways that distract from the underlying feelings. Ideally, we should allow our emotions to be felt fully in the present moment, letting them inform our decisions and then releasing them. However, when we avoid our emotions, they don't simply disappear. Instead, they linger, creating what many refer to as "emotional baggage," which can weigh us down and affect our future interactions.
The Cost of Emotional Avoidance
Dr. Mark Atkinson describes the cost of emotional avoidance succinctly:
“If I had to single out just one factor that represented the most common block to personal growth it would be this—emotion avoidance. Put simply, fear of feeling our emotions is pandemic amongst human beings and for many people at the heart of broken relationships, low levels of intimacy, unhappiness, unexplained bodily symptoms, and devitalization.”
We often fear our emotions, particularly those we label as negative—anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, and contempt. But in reality, all emotions carry important information that can guide our actions and decisions. By avoiding these emotions, we miss out on the insights they provide, leading to unresolved tensions and, ultimately, to dysfunctional relationships and environments.
The Two Faces of Emotional Avoidance
Emotional avoidance generally manifests in two broad strategies, each tied to our natural fight-or-flight response:
The Avoiders: These individuals tend to ignore or suppress their unwanted emotions. They bottle up their feelings, keeping them under wraps until they eventually spill over in passive-aggressive behaviors—missed deadlines, "forgetting" tasks, or intentional inefficiency. Often, these behaviors aren't even recognized by the avoiders themselves, making the problem even more insidious.
The Fighters: On the other end of the spectrum are those who fear losing control of their emotions, especially anger. These individuals may be well aware of their feelings but are terrified of them. When triggered, they may lash out, later regretting their words or actions. Their emotional flooding overwhelms them, making it hard to see situations clearly and respond appropriately.
Both strategies are equally problematic, and neither is more mature or evolved than the other. The truth is, we are all in this together, navigating the murky waters of emotional avoidance.
The Cultural Collusion with Avoidance
Despite the personal and relational costs, emotional avoidance is often encouraged by cultural norms. We tell people to "check their emotions at the door" or to "not bring feelings to work." Children are socialized to deny what they feel, often instructed to apologize when they don’t mean it, to smile when they’re sad, or to say "thank you" when they’re angry.
This widespread cultural message perpetuates the cycle of avoidance. Those who suppress their feelings may not even realize the impact of their actions, while those who express their emotions often face social reprimand for being too "emotional."
Where Do We Begin?
The crisis of emotional avoidance is a collective one, and no one is immune. The first step toward addressing this issue is awareness. Recognizing whether you tend toward avoidance or confrontation when triggered gives you the power to make different choices.
Ask yourself:
How aware are you of your own emotional patterns?
Do you tend to avoid or confront when emotions run high?
How comfortable are you in expressing your feelings and asserting yourself?
How effectively do you engage in conflict?
And consider these questions for those around you, whether in your personal relationships or professional environment. Emotional intelligence, or the lack thereof, impacts all our interactions, and as long as we continue to swim in the waters of emotional avoidance, it will be difficult to address underlying toxicity in any context.
Conclusion
Emotional avoidance is more than just a personal challenge; it’s a widespread issue that affects every aspect of our lives. From the workplace to our homes, the fear of feeling can lead to a culture of disconnection and dysfunction. It’s time we start addressing this hidden crisis, recognizing our patterns, and finding ways to reconnect with our emotions in a healthy, constructive manner. Only then can we begin to heal our relationships, foster genuine connection, and create environments where emotional intelligence is valued and nurtured.
