Empathy Defined

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Why Does Empathy Matter in Forgiveness?

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By Emily J. Hooks

Empathy is the ability to walk a mile in another’s skin; to consider life from their perspective. It involves both an intellectual capacity to imagine and an emotional attunement to their experience. Empathy is an integral part of forgiving others and the self.

Forgiving Others

Let’s first look at why empathy matters when forgiving someone we perceive to have caused harm to us or somebody we love. For many, finding empathy for those who have hurt us is understandably difficult. No one wants to take the point of view of someone whom they resent or fear. Why would anyone want to envision the life of an abuser or a person whose values fundamentally differ from our own?

In The Power of Forgiveness, I talk about the skills we need to become forgiving.

  • Understand Your Story

  • Experience Your Emotional Pain

  • Cultivate Empathy

  • Learn to Release Judgment

It turns out that we can only get so far through the process without empathy. We can deconstruct and reimagine the stories we have about what happened; we can nurture and release our emotional pain; we can learn that our judgments stand in the way of freedom. But, it is almost impossible to fully release those judgments without an authentic appreciation for why the people who caused harm might have made the choices they made.

An important aspect of forgiving others involves allowing ourselves to open to the suffering of the other. To motivate willingness to do this, it is helpful to remember that you are not doing it for them. You are doing it for your liberation. The compassion that emerges can only open your heart to a more vibrant and full existence. And, while your forgiveness may or may not contribute to their healing, it is not and should not be your primary driver (or deterrent).

As you reflect on what this could look like for you, it can help to recognize that people who mistreat others are acting from, or reacting to, their own injury. And, while it can feel very personal, it is not. You were the unfortunate recipient of a transgression that was likely inevitable, with or without you.

Empathy and Self-forgiveness

It is theorized that human beings developed the capacity to empathize, at least in part, to enable us to anticipate the consequences of our conduct and the impact of that conduct on others. Essentially, it is a tool that provides insight into socially acceptable behaviors and the cost of violating social norms.

When individuals do something that hurts another person, they can react in several ways: indifference, minimization, guilt, shame. If the wrongdoer has the ability to empathize, they will be able to picture/feel the events that unfolded from other points of view. Even if they don’t evaluate what happened the same, they are more likely to feel bad for the impact and take corrective action. These conciliatory behaviors, in turn, ameliorate the guilt, making self-forgiveness more likely. Someone who cannot see circumstances from other vantage points has a much harder time recognizing either the need for self-forgiveness or a path forward through self-healing.

Why Empathy Is Challenging

People have varying aptitudes to empathize. But it is not, as popular culture might have you believe, a mystical ability. Some of us grew up in an environment where perspective-taking was valued, and others did not. In truth, almost anyone can quite quickly learn if they are willing.

One reason people vehemently resist empathy is good, old-fashioned annoyance.  It’s frustrating to think that part of finding our freedom demands that we extend any level of grace to those who seem responsible for suffering. This is why forgiveness is not a choice we make only once but a choice we have to make repeatedly along the journey. It may not be fair, but that doesn’t make it not so.

Another source of resistance is a lived or intuitive sense that opening to an empathic experience can be emotionally demanding. At first, it requires bravery to connect with the anguish of others intentionally. We have to choose what matters most and what we are willing to do to discover our true inner strength. Be patient and gentle and take the next step forward. I am in awe of the human capacity for courage when it matters most.

Exercise: Cultivating Empathy

Here’s an exercise to help demonstrate. Close your eyes and bring to your mind’s eye the image of someone utterly unlike you. Maybe they are standing on the side of the road, ruddy from the sun’s constant companionship, ragged and tired, begging for money from passersby. Or, maybe it is somebody you recently read about who committed an unthinkable crime. Take your time and visualize them in as much detail as you can.

Notice how your body responds to the imagery.

Now, ask yourself, what would have happened to cause you to be in that position? If you’re like most, your first thought will likely be an indignant, I would never; I can’t even… That’s cheating. Answer the question. What happened to you that led you to such profound despair?

Go back in time and imagine what living was like one year ago. Now five, ten. What were your parents like? Did they have to ability to demonstrate morality or fairness? Did they show you tenderness or even passing regard?

Now, visualize the person the day they were born. Are they different from your child or the child of a friend? Probably not. They had the same vulnerability, the same innate needs, and the same intrinsic curiosity and joy as we all do.

Check in with your body again and notice if/how your sensory experience has changed.

If you’re sincere and take your time, you will have embodied our common humanity—empathy—if only fleetingly. You will discover that we are all responding to life with the inner and outer resources available to us. We are doing the best we can to navigate our path through a sometimes seemingly senseless existence. What a gift you possess to have the awareness to choose healing and wholeness over suffering. That is not a gift we all receive.

Don’t be disheartened from starting the forgiveness journey if you feel confident you cannot develop empathy or compassion for the person you need to forgive. Most people can’t imagine being able to forgive at the beginning of the process. You can make significant progress regardless, and you may find when the time comes that it isn’t as unimaginable as it now seems.

When we elicit empathy for the sorrow that has shaped so many human experiences, we generate compassion for the shared human condition. Empathy makes the possibility of forgiving ourselves and others concrete because it broadens our perspective. When we empathize, we can see that, had we lived someone else’s life, we might have made the same choices as they have made. This is connection at the most fundamental level.

About Emily

I have spent the last decades focused on a healing journey centered on forgiveness. I studied spiritual and religious texts from around the globe. I studied psychological theory and practice. Most importantly, I forgave everyone who had ever caused me harm. I forgave myself for the pain I had caused.

Through this work, we can all find love, compassion, and empathy for others. It is possible to both mourn the loss of what was not and fully embrace what was, accepting that struggling against the past only causes more suffering. 

My first book, The Power of Forgiveness: A Guide to Healing and Wholeness, was published in 2017. Today, I share my story and a message of healing through forgiveness. One of my favorite things to do is facilitate workshops and seminars because I get to see that a-ha moment in peoples’ eyes. A lightbulb goes off, and they can finally see why they resisted their own healing for so long. 

I believe as we heal, the world heals. I believe our purpose is to contribute to the evolution of human understanding. We all matter.

https://emilyjhooks.com/about/

According to ChatGPT, empathy is....

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings, emotions, and perspectives of others. It involves putting oneself in someone else's shoes, and imagining what it would feel like to experience what they are going through. Empathy is often described as an essential aspect of being human, as it allows us to connect with and care for others, and to form meaningful relationships. It is also an important skill in many professions, such as counseling, healthcare, and social work, as it helps people to better understand and support others.

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The Importance of Empathy

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From LifeHacker (http://lifehacker.com/)

With an increasingly polarized and divided world, we need empathy more than ever before. Too often we are talking at each other, unable to listen and jumping to entirely wrong conclusions. Communication is fast becoming a stressful endeavor, which instead of connecting us, is increasing separation. So, what is empathy? We seem to have let go this most basic human characteristic. There are so many misconceptions around this simple and essential quality we seem to have forgotten. Learn more about empathy and how to develop it…

Some of the posts in relation to this video on You Tube:

Enrique Sanchez: “Empathy should be taught at every educational level because that's the key for living in harmony with the world. Empathy not only involves humans but also animals and every living creature and mother earth.”

Maureen O’Connell: “Empathy is, at its simplest, awareness of the feelings and emotions of other people. It is a key element of Emotional Intelligence, the link between self and others because it is how we as individuals understand what others are experiencing as if we were feeling it ourselves.”

BendingBananas: “Seriously, a lot of people could really use a good dosage of empathy. Imagine how much nicer everyone would be!“

Dakota Rose: “What a beautiful thing Empathy is. This video was great! Whoever made this did a good job creatively capturing the idea of empathy. Good work.”

What is Empathy?

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Empathy is not the same as Sympathy

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Have you ever wondered about the difference between empathy and sympathy?

And if you have, why sympathy has got such a bad name?

Dr Berne Brown’s famous video is a great starting place to explore the difference between the two!

In the video Dr Brown says that empathy fuels connection and sympathy drives disconnection. To empathize, she says, we must internalize the feelings of another.

In the examples she gives she suggests that we sympathize when we avoid acknowledging others difficult feelings and also when we minimize the experience of another, such as when we ‘silver-line’ with expressions like, “at least you have a job,” after hearing that the person was demoted.

I agree that these last two practices (avoidance and minimizing) are not empathetic, but I am not sure that they are what sympathy is about. Or indeed the real reasons for sympathy’s bad name.

As is often the case, words have numerous meanings. Sympathy’s Latin roots point to ‘similar feelings’ (sympathia and pathos).

However, the primary sense in most modern dictionaries suggest that sympathy means “pity or sorrow for someone’s misfortune.”

Sympathy as pity is dis-empowering and fuels disconnection. Comments like “I don’t want your sympathy” confirm this.

We want to be allowed to feel our feelings, rather than be rescued by the sympathizer who can never actually feel for us!

I agree that this sense is unfortunate and I suspect a reason for sympathy’s bad name.

But sympathy can also refer to the original Latin meaning and our capacity to recognize a common feeling. We sense that the other person may be feeling something similar to what we have previously experienced and sympathize.

As the listener, if we express our sympathy we may say “I was also ‘gutted’ when my team lost!”

The apparent danger is that unless we are careful we shift the focus away from the other. Now it’s about me and my team!

That’s another reason for its bad name.

So what then is empathy, and how is it different?

Empathy is our capacity to sense and understand what another is feeling from their – nor our – point of view.

This to me is vital. The focus is on them and how they make sense of their feelings.

So while I listen to my English friend bemoan their loss in the rugby world cup, I can sympathize as suggested above as I know what it feels like to lose. 

But I can also empathize. 

And when I do the shift is apparent. “I imagine you were gutted when your team lost! Especially as hosts. Must really hurt!”

As is suggested by Paul Bellet and Michael Maloney, our perspective becomes superfluous, certainly secondary to that of the speaker: 

“Empathy is the capacity to understand what another person is experiencing from within the other person's frame of reference, i.e., the capacity to place oneself in another's shoes.” 

 At best my frame of reference and knowledge of rugby can help me to understand what my friend is feeling (sympathy), but empathy lies in my ultimate ability to demonstrate to my friend that I understand him and his woes.

Empathy builds connection, and is based on authentic attention to the other.

Sympathy can move us toward, but is not the same as empathy.

In the same way that avoidance and minimization are neither sympathetic nor empathetic.

Much ado about nothing? 

Not so sure. Words matter.

Sympathy has its place, but there are dangers.

Which is why for life’s challenges,

I prefer empathy!

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Helen Riess on Empathy

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From her book, The Empathy Effect (pages 10 and 12)

“There are many definitions of empathy, and this has caused confusion even among many different types of scholars who study it, including philosophers, psychologists, scientists, and educators who have attempted to define it as a single trait.

Empathy is best understood as a human capacity consisting of several different facets that work together to enable us to be moved by the plights and emotions of others.

I prefer to use the term “empathic capacity” rather than “empathy” because this conveys that empathy is made up of many different psychological and physiological facets.

Our empathic capacity requires specialized brain circuits that allow us to perceive, process, and respond to others….The integration of these three very human activities predicts how “empathic” a person will be.

When people show empathy for others, they are usually good at perceiving what others feel, able to process the information, and able to respond effectively.

So it is important to broaden the definition as a capacity that encompasses the entire empathy loop from perception of, to response to someone else’s experience, and finally to check with that person for accuracy if there is any doubt.

This last part of the loop is called “empathic accuracy.”

In the past, people believed that you were either born with empathy or not, and there was not much that could be done about it. It is very important to those of us who study empathy’s application that empathy can be taught.

Empathy is a delicate balance of appreciating the feelings of others and learning how to manage our own feelings so we can be helpful.

We need to to learn to manage our empathic responses so that we ultimately deliver caring responses even when we can’t immediately find the words on our own.”

Helen Riess, M.D. is Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School and Director of the Empathy and Relational Science Program at Massachusetts General Hospital. The mission of the Program is to enhance empathy and interpersonal relationships in healthcare. She is also Chief Technology Officer of Empathetics which offers scientifically based empathy training proven to optimize interpersonal engagement.

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The Tension Between Empathy and Assertiveness

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Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

In 1996 Robert H. Mnookin, Scott R. Peppet and Andrew S. Tulumello wrote an article for the esteemed Negotiation Journal that explored the tension between empathy and assertiveness as two key indicators of how we approach our negotiations strategically.

Very basically there are five widely accepted negotiation strategies available: avoidance, accommodating, competition, compromise and collaboration. An important topic I agree, but not the focus here.

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What I wanted to share, was their definition of empathy and it’s practical benefits to the world of negotiation.

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“Empathy

For purposes of negotiation, we define empathy as the process of demonstrating an accurate, nonjudgmental understanding of the other side’s needs, interests, and positions.

(As is common in legal journals, there are a lot of footnotes. Here’s what the author’s added in theirs in relation to this first sentence:

The notion of empathy is and always has been a broad, someone slippery concept — one that has provoked considerable speculation, excitement and confusion. The term ‘empathy’ is of comparatively recent origin. It was coined by an American experimental psychologist in 1909 as a translation of the German word Einfühlung, defined as .to feel ones way into. Over the last 80 years, many subdisciplines in psychology adopted and modified the term, giving it a range of definitions and connotations.

Contemporary scholars debate such issues as whether the content of empathy is cognitive or affective — whether we understand the thoughts, intentions, and feelings of others or contemporaneously experience them. Similarly, scholars question whether the empathic process is primarily cognitive ‘thinking it through’ or affective ‘feeling it through’ )

There are two components to this definition.

The first involves a skill psychologists call perspective-taking  trying to see the world through the other negotiator’s eyes.

The second is the nonjudgmental expression of the other person’s viewpoint in a way that is open to correction.

In crafting this definition, we have found useful the work of Carl Rogers. Rogers described empathy as:

“Entering the private perceptual world of the other and becoming thoroughly at home in it. It involves being sensitive . . . to the changing felt meanings which flow in this other person. . . . It means temporarily living in their life, moving about in it delicately without making judgments, sensing meanings of which they are actually aware. . . . It includes communicating your sensings of their world as you look with fresh and unfrightened eyes at elements of which the individual is fearful. It means frequently  checking with them as to the accuracy of your sensings, and being guided by the responses you receive. . . . To be with another in this way means that for the time being you lay aside the views and values you hold for yourself in order to enter into another world without prejudice.”

For Rogers, empathy involved the process of nonjudgmentally entering another’s perceptual world.

For us, it also involves the active expression of this understanding of the other side.

Defined in this way, empathy requires neither sympathy nor agreement.

Sympathy is ‘feeling for’ someone — it refers to an affective response to the other persons predicament.

For us, empathy does not require people to have sympathy for others plight.

Instead, we see empathy as ‘a value-neutral mode of observation’, a journey in which we explore and describe another’s perceptual world without commitment.

Empathizing with someone, therefore, does not mean sympathizing with, agreeing with, or even necessarily liking the other side.

Instead, it simply requires the expression of how the world looks to that person.

The benefits of empathy relate to the integrative and distributive aspects of bargaining.

Consider first the potential benefits of understanding (but not yet demonstrating) the other sides viewpoint. Skilled negotiators often can "see through" another person’s statements to find hidden interests or feelings, even when they are inchoate in the others mind.

Perspective-taking thus facilitates value-creation by enabling a negotiator to craft arguments, proposals, or trade-offs that reflect another’s interests and that may create the basis for trade.

Perspective-taking also facilitates distributive moves. To the extent we understand another negotiator, we will better predict their goals, expectations, and strategic choices.

This enables good perspective-takers to gain a strategic advantage  analogous, perhaps, to playing a game of chess with advance knowledge of the other sides moves.

It may also mean that good perspective-takers will more easily see through bluffing or other gambits based on artifice. Research confirms that negotiators with higher perspective-taking ability negotiate agreements of higher value than those with lower perspective-taking ability.

The capacity to demonstrate our understanding of the other sides viewpoint to reflect back how they see the world  confers additional benefits.

Negotiators in both personal and business disputes typically have a deep need to tell their story and to feel that it has been understood. Meeting this need, therefore, can dramatically shift the tone of a relationship.

The burgeoning literature on interpersonal communication celebrates this possibility. As Nichols writes, “. . . when . . . feelings take shape in words that are shared and come back clarified, the result is a reassuring sense of being understood and a grateful feeling of shared humanness with the one who understands.”

The subtext to good empathy is concern and respect, which diffuses hostility, anger and mistrust, especially where these emotions stem from feeling unappreciated or exploited.

Another important benefit of expressing our understanding is that this process may help correct interpersonal misperceptions.

Many scholars have documented the how perception mistakes beset most negotiations; such mistakes are perhaps the foremost contributors to negotiation and relationship breakdown.

Negotiators, for example, often make various attributional errors  that is, they attribute to their counterparts incorrect or exaggerated intentions or characteristics based on limited information.

If for example. our counterpart is late to a meeting, we tend to assume that they either intended to make us wait or that they are chronically tardy, even though we may be meeting them for the first time.

In either case, we have formed an attribution or judgment that may prove unnecessarily counterproductive.

By expressing our understanding, we can correct  or at least test  our attributions about others. By journeying into their shoes, we collect new information and new clues as to their motivation that may help us to revise our earlier assessments.

In a sense, empathy requires us to roll back our judgments into questions or tentatively-held assumptions until we have more complete information.”

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That’s the extract from the article that I wanted to share.

So, when through perspective taking we are able to demonstrate an understanding of another’s needs, interests and positions we are being empathic. However, it is when we feel understood, as when feelings are reflected back through words that clarify that understanding that we “can dramatically shift the tone of a relationship.”

Which is probably why I so appreciate Marshall Rosenberg defining empathy as demonstrating an understanding of another person’s feelings and needs, not just their needs, interests and positions.

Extract from: The Tension Between Empathy and Assertiveness, Robert H. Mnookin, Scott R. Peppet and Andrew S. Tulumello, Negotiation Journal, July 1996.

 

Empathy and HR: The Practical Connection

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One of the challenges of working in HR is the dual responsibility of enforcing policy and law along with being empathetic.

How well you balance the important and seemingly contradictory roles of having a stick and also a carrot, goes a long way to determining how you are perceived.

When asked, “What do you really think about HR in your organization?” survey respondents for a past HR West presentation were critical:

  • “My understanding of HR is that they exist to prevent employees suing the company.”

  • “I would never be honest with HR. They would find a way to punish me!”

  • “HR remains a reflexive and aggressive defender of management and corporate policies.”

  • “They need to put the human back in HR!”

 HR, it seems, values compliance but lacks empathy!

 In 2014, writing in the Harvard Business Review, Wharton Professor Rita Gunther McGrath suggested that “we’ve seen three “ages” of management since the industrial revolution, with each putting the emphasis on a different theme: execution, expertise, and empathy.”

Whether or not we have formally arrived at the age of empathy, what we do know is that more and more people are talking about the importance of empathy, especially for HR.

SHRM recently posted a blog on their website explaining why empathy is  a critical leadership skill and argued that empathic leaders are more effective (January 2018: Why Empathic Leaders are more effective)

Oprah Winfrey agrees: “Leadership is about empathy!” 

Each year, Buisnessolvers conduct a survey on empathy in the workplace. In 2018, 87% of CEO’s agreed that there is a connection between performance and empathy. (State of Workplace Empathy, Buisnessolvers, 2018)

In other industry studies, empathy is seen as the leadership skill “most strongly and consistently linked with performance.”(DDI World Report, 2018)

 Beyond performance, research by Dr. Helen Reiss at Harvard Medical School, found that “empathy promotes prosocial behavior.”

While our appreciation of the value of empathy is growing, our ability to be empathic may be lagging.

Former President Barak Obama noted this when he said, “I think we should talk more about our empathy deficit.”

 Barak Obama’s concern about our ability to be empathic, defined as ”our ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, to see the world through those that are different from us.”  is confirmed by this statistic from DDI World:

 “Only 40% of leaders are able to demonstrate empathy effectively.”

To be effective, leaders need to guide their own organizations to be empathic without neglecting the importance of compliance.

Many CEO’s would struggle defining at a practical level what they and their organization can do to be more empathic. Thoughtleaders, Paul Ekman and Daniel Goleman suggest that empathy involves a 1-2-3 sequence:

“In cognitive empathy we recognize what another person is feeling. In emotional empathy we actually feel what that person is feeling, and in compassionate empathy we want to help the other person deal with his situation and his emotions.” Paul Ekman, Emotions Revealed, 2003.

 “In today’s psychology, the word ‘empathy’ is used in three distinct senses: Knowing another person’s feelings; feeling what that person feels; and responding compassionately to another’s distress. These three varieties of empathy seem to describe a 1-2-3 sequence: I notice you. I feel with you, and so I act to help you.” Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence, 2006.

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In a nutshell, it’s not enough to just sense the other emotionally and understand their point of view cognitively: there is an expectation that we will act with compassion.

We see this sequence expressed in Roman Krzaric’s definition: “Empathy is the art of stepping imaginatively into the shoes of another person, understanding their feelings and perspectives, and using that understanding to guide your actions.”(Roman Krznaric, Empathy, 2014)

 But what action?

 Businessolver’s State of Empathy Report found that “90% of employees, HR professionals and CEO’s view face to face conversations and team meetings as the most empathic ways to communicate.”

However, it’s not just meeting face to face, it’s how we conduct the meetings with empathy that matters. Empathic leaders are good communicators who listen well. They are attuned to the feelings and needs of their employees with whom they maintain positive relationships.

Employee’s also want their employers to know what is important to them and take compassionate action, showing they care in tangible ways.

The following 7 practices are identified in the 2018 State of Workplace Empathy Report for their potential to build empathy:

1.       Time off for family/medical issues

2.       Offering flexible working hours

3.       Recognizing employee milestones

4.       Paid maternity/paternity leave

5.       Health insurance, and 401(k) contributions

6.       Embracing Diversity

7.       Using smart technology

Of interest in the report was the identification of what employee’s consider to be empathic collegial behavior. It includes: going the extra mile to help a colleague meet an immediate deadline; advocating for a colleague; and talking face to face instead of emailing.

Ensuring that your organization is compliant is important. And so is being empathic. Finding the balance is never easy. As a matter of policy or law, the situation may not be up for negotiation, however, there is always an opportunity to be empathic.

 Consider offboarding.

 Caroline Vernon shares how conversations about parting (offboarding reframed) are fraught with danger:

“Providing a way for the employee to get back on their feet as quickly as possible becomes crucial in parting peacefully with the employee all the while protecting and preserving the employer brand.”

Vernon encourages “outplacement as an empathic solution.” Outplacement is a benefit given to exiting employees for expert advice on resume preparation, job search strategy and can include help negotiating a job offer.

Knowing how to be empathic at a practical level, and what actions are viewed as empathic, is the key to organizational effectiveness!

Can be trusted to uphold policy and law fairly, and seen to be empathic?

Your success will depend on your ability to balance the important, but contradictory roles of compliance and empathy.

Ideally, you  do this a manner that leaves you with peace of mind and a sense of pride for your work and profession.

How is empathy defined?

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I remember when I was first learning the skills of mediation encountering the idea of empathy.

First, I wasn’t sure I could define it myself. Second, I wasn’t really sure I knew why it was so important. And finally, I definitely wasn’t confident in my ability to be empathic, let alone support others in conflict, be empathic.

So, it’s been a journey, and one I am happy to take, and now am very motivated to share my discoveries and insights garnered along the way, both as a professional mediator and trainer, but also, as a human being, experiencing life.

I am eager to make empathy more accessible, more practical, and more widely used.

The starting point, is of course my first doubt and clearly defining what we mean by empathy.

I’m sharing my current favorite definition by Roman Krznaric from his awesome book called Empathy:

“Empathy is the art of stepping imaginatively into the shoes of another person, understanding their feelings and perspectives, and using that understanding to guide your actions.”

I love that he honors the most common understanding of empathy being walking in the shoes of another. Not you in their shoes, but you imagining yourself to be them, and in their shoes.

To do this we have to imagine and draw on our life experience, but not in a way that makes it about ourselves. Our focus always is on the person for whom we are seeking to be empathic with.

When we seek to imagine what they (not us) would be feeling and what their perspective is (without judgment) we are getting into the empathy zone.

But importantly, and this is consistent with most emerging definitions of empathy, it’s not good enough to just imagine, we need to show we care by taking action.

Because, if we don’t, our expressions of empathy seem insincere and hollow.

My awareness of the importance of empathy continues to grow.