Navigating the Ocean of Emotions: Understanding Alexithymia and Emotional Literacy

By John Ford

Emotions shape our thoughts, behaviors, and relationships, yet many of us struggle at times to identify and express them. This challenge exists on a continuum of emotional literacy, where some navigate their inner world with ease, while others feel lost in a sea of unrecognized emotions. For those with alexithymia, this difficulty is more pronounced, making emotional processing a complex and often frustrating experience.

However, understanding emotions is not an ability that one either possesses or lacks—it’s a skill that can be developed. By exploring alexithymia and the neuroscience behind emotional awareness, we can build greater empathy for those who struggle and cultivate tools to strengthen our own emotional literacy.

 What is Alexithymia?

The term "alexithymia" comes from the Greek words meaning "no words for emotions." It refers to a personality trait in which individuals:

• Struggle to identify their emotions – They may feel physical sensations (e.g., a tight chest, a racing heart) but be unable to recognize whether they are experiencing anxiety, excitement, or something else.

• Have difficulty verbalizing feelings – Without a clear emotional vocabulary, they may find it hard to communicate their emotions to others.

• Confuse emotions with physical sensations – Hunger, fatigue, or bodily discomfort may be misinterpreted as an emotional state or vice versa.

Though approximately 10% of the general population exhibits alexithymic traits, it is even more common among neurodivergent individuals, particularly those with autism and ADHD. Research suggests that many of the emotional difficulties often attributed to autism may, in fact, stem from alexithymia itself (Bird & Cook, 2013).

Why Does Emotional Awareness Vary?

While some people naturally connect emotions to words, others experience weaker interoception—the ability to sense internal bodily states. Interoception helps us recognize when a fluttering stomach means nervousness or when tight shoulders signal stress. Individuals with alexithymia often have impaired interoceptive processing, making it difficult to link bodily sensations to emotions (Cook et al., 2013).

The Neuroscience of Emotional Literacy

Emotional processing relies on several key brain regions, including the:

• Anterior Insula – Responsible for interoception and emotional self-awareness. Lower activity in this region is associated with alexithymia.

• Amygdala – Plays a role in recognizing emotional cues, especially in others.

• Prefrontal Cortex – Helps regulate and interpret emotions, linking feelings to decision-making and social interactions.

Studies have found that alexithymia, rather than autism, is the primary predictor of difficulty recognizing emotional expressions in others (Cook et al., 2013). This suggests that alexithymia affects not just self-awareness but also the ability to engage emotionally with those around us.

Developing Emotional Awareness

While alexithymia presents real challenges, emotional literacy is a skill that can be strengthened over time. Whether you experience mild difficulties identifying emotions or deeply struggle with them, there are steps you can take to improve self-awareness and connection.

 Practical Strategies to Build Emotional Literacy

·       Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary – Using tools like The Empathy Set (feelings and needs cards), you can practice naming and differentiating emotions. Research suggests that people who use a wider range of emotion words tend to have better emotional regulation.

·       Engage in Mindfulness & Body Awareness – Practices like meditation and breathwork help improve interoception, strengthening the connection between bodily sensations and emotions.

·       Practice Self-Reflection and Keep an Emotion Journal – Reflecting on your day and identifying what you felt (even if you’re unsure at first) can build a habit of emotional self-awareness. Ask: “What am I feeling right now?”

·       Use Visual & Kinesthetic Cues – If words feel inaccessible, try mapping emotions through colors, music, or movement, which can serve as alternative forms of emotional expression.

·       Talk About Feelings – Sharing emotions in conversations—even if it’s just saying, “I feel something, but I’m not sure what”—can be a step toward greater clarity.

 A Shared Human Experience

While alexithymia exists as a distinct trait, we all experience moments of emotional uncertainty. Whether due to stress, cultural conditioning, or personal challenges, there are times when emotions feel confusing or inaccessible.

Instead of seeing this as a flaw, we can view it as a normal part of the human experience—one that can be met with curiosity, compassion, and intentional growth.

By expanding our emotional literacy, we not only gain deeper self-awareness but also build more empathetic and connected relationships with those around us.

Further Reading

For a deeper dive into alexithymia and its impact, you might find this article insightful:
Alexithymia: Symptoms, Diagnosis, and Links with Mental Health

Scientific References:

1. Bird, G., & Cook, R. (2013). Mixed emotions: The contribution of alexithymia to the emotional symptoms of autism. Translational Psychiatry, 3, e285. Read here

2. Cook, R., Brewer, R., Shah, P., & Bird, G. (2013). Alexithymia, not autism, predicts poor recognition of emotional facial expressions. Psychological Science, 24(5), 723-732. Read here

When Empathy is Rejected: Staying Open Without Losing Yourself

By John Ford

Reaching out to a loved one in times of political and emotional division is an act of vulnerability. It takes courage to invite someone into a space of mutual understanding, especially when that invitation is met with resistance—or worse, dismissal.

What do you do when you extend a hand in empathy, only to have it brushed aside? How do you stay open without feeling crushed? How do you care for yourself while holding onto hope for connection?

The Pain of Being Rebuffed

When you reach out with sincerity, hoping to be heard, and instead receive a response that dismisses your feelings or minimizes your concerns, it can feel like a gut punch. You weren’t looking for a debate. You weren’t asking for agreement. You were asking to be seen. And instead, you were told to "chill."

Responses like these often reveal a fundamental disconnect:

• You sought emotional connection; they responded with logic or indifference.

• You wanted acknowledgment of your distress; they reassured you that everything is fine.

• You were asking for empathy; they heard it as an argument.

This gap in perception is frustrating, and it can feel deeply lonely—especially when it comes from someone you love.

Why Might They Respond This Way?

When someone resists engaging empathetically, it’s often not because they don’t care, but because they feel unequipped, uninterested, or even threatened. Consider these possibilities:

• They see emotions as irrational. Some people, consciously or unconsciously, equate emotional distress with weakness or overreaction. Instead of sitting with discomfort, they push it away.

• They fear conflict. A deep conversation may feel too risky or too exhausting, especially if they think it could lead to more division.

• They believe that acknowledging your pain means they have to change their own views. Rather than listening as an act of care, they assume you are trying to persuade them, and they put up defenses.

• They genuinely don’t feel the same way and don’t understand why it affects you so deeply. And instead of trying to understand, they dismiss.

None of these are excuses, but understanding them can help soften the sting.

What You Can Do Instead of Giving Up

So where do you go from here? How do you stay open when your invitation to empathy is rejected?

1. Acknowledge the Disconnect

If you sense that they are misunderstanding your intent, you can gently name the gap:

"I hear that you don’t feel the same way I do, and that’s okay. But I wasn’t looking for a debate. I was hoping for empathy—not about policies, but about what this moment means to me and how it’s affecting me personally. That’s what I need from you and why I suggested an empathy circle."

This clarifies that you’re not trying to argue— you’re trying to connect.

2. Name Your Emotional Need Directly

Some people won’t intuit what you’re asking for, so say it clearly:

"When I share my fears and grief, I need to feel that you care about my experience—not that you agree with me, but that you care that I’m struggling."

This removes any question about your agenda. You’re not asking for validation of your political views; you’re asking for relational care.

3. Decide Whether to Keep Engaging or Step Back

If their response remains dismissive or defensive, it may not be the right time for this conversation. You can signal your boundaries while keeping the door open:

"I love you, but I don’t think we’re in the same place right now. Maybe we can just focus on what connects us today."

This protects your energy without completely shutting them out.

Taking Care of Yourself When Connection Fails

When a loved one doesn’t meet you in the space of empathy, it’s painful. But your well-being doesn’t have to depend on their ability to hold space for you. Here’s how to take care of yourself:

1. Seek Empathy Elsewhere

Not everyone is capable of offering the emotional support we long for, but that doesn’t mean you have to go without it. Who in your life can hold space for you? A friend, a partner, a therapist, a community?

2. Set a Personal Boundary

You don’t have to engage in conversations that leave you feeling dismissed or drained. Protect your energy by recognizing when to step away.

"I love you, but I need to step away from this conversation for now. It hurts to feel dismissed when I’m sharing something deeply personal."

3. Stay Open Without Staying Vulnerable to Harm

Holding onto empathy doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be repeatedly hurt. You can continue to care about your loved one without expecting them to meet your emotional needs.

If they aren’t willing to meet you in understanding, consider shifting your focus:

• Can you find a different way to connect that isn’t emotionally charged?

• Can you accept that they might not have the capacity for deep emotional exchange?

• Can you practice radical acceptance while maintaining self-protection?

An Invitation to Keep Choosing Empathy

Empathy is an act of courage. It’s risky because it asks us to open our hearts without a guarantee that we will be met in kind. Sometimes, we will be met with love and understanding. Other times, we won’t.

But staying open—to connection, to curiosity, to love—is always worth it. Not because the other person will always reciprocate, but because choosing empathy makes you more whole.

So if you’ve reached out and been met with rejection, hold steady. Breathe. Find the care you need elsewhere. And when the time is right, keep your heart open to the possibility of understanding—if not today, then maybe tomorrow.

The Strength of Compassionate Boundaries

By John Ford

Many people struggle with setting boundaries. We want to be understanding, we fear coming across as rude, and so we allow others to overstep, often at our own expense. This is especially true for those who lean toward avoiding or accommodating conflict styles, as described in the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument. Yet, boundaries are not about shutting others out or being unkind—they are about self-respect, clarity, and sustainability in our relationships.

Thich Nhat Hanh’s words remind us that true compassion is not passive or weak. It is a powerful force that resists harm without resorting to violence or blame. He says:

“If you think that compassionate people do not resist and challenge injustice, you are wrong. They are warriors, heroes, and heroines who have gained many victories… When we are armed with compassion and understanding, we fight not against other people, but against the tendency to invade, to dominate, and to exploit.”

This perspective shifts how we approach boundaries. Setting limits is not an act of aggression—it is an act of self-compassion and clarity. When we establish boundaries with understanding, we are not punishing others; we are honoring our needs while also maintaining respect for them.

How to Set Boundaries Without Being Abrasive

1. Anchor in Self-Compassion – Recognize that your needs are valid. A boundary is not a rejection of another person; it is a statement of self-care.

2. Communicate Clearly and Calmly – Use "I" statements to express your limits. Instead of saying, “You always take advantage of me,” try, “I need to protect my time, so I won’t be able to help with this.”

3. Hold Firm with Kindness – Being compassionate does not mean being a pushover. As Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, we can resist domination without anger. If someone pushes back, repeat your boundary calmly without justifying or debating.

4. Recognize That Discomfort is Okay – If you’re used to accommodating others, setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable at first. That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re growing.

5. Detach from the Reaction of Others – You are not responsible for how others respond to your boundary. If someone reacts negatively, it does not mean you were unkind; it means they are adjusting to your new clarity.

True compassion is not about allowing others to drain us; it is about showing up fully for ourselves so that we can engage with the world from a place of strength. As we learn to set boundaries with clarity and kindness, we embody the wisdom of Thich Nhat Hanh—not fighting against others, but standing firm against patterns of exploitation and depletion.

Empathy Circles: A Path to Understanding in Times of Political Division

By John Ford,

In times of deep political and social division, it can feel impossible to have meaningful conversations with those we love. Tensions rise, words become weapons, and the very people we cherish can feel like adversaries. But what if there were another way? A way to speak and listen—not to convince or debate, but to truly understand?

This is where Empathy Circles, a practice championed by Edwin Rutsch, offer a powerful alternative.

What Is an Empathy Circle?

An Empathy Circle is a structured process designed to help people listen deeply and feel heard. Unlike debates, where the goal is to win, or even ordinary conversations, where we often listen just long enough to craft our response, empathy circles slow us down. They create a space where we can sit with our differences without trying to erase them.

At its core, the process is simple:

1. One person speaks while another person listens.

2. The listener reflects back what they heard, without judgment or analysis.

3. The speaker confirms whether they feel heard.

4. The roles rotate, ensuring that everyone gets a chance to share and be understood.

By structuring the conversation this way, empathy circles prevent interruptions, misunderstandings, and the escalation of conflict. Instead, they cultivate curiosity, patience, and connection.

Why This Matters Now

We live in a world that thrives on division. Social media amplifies outrage, news cycles stoke fear, and political rhetoric encourages us to see “the other side” as the enemy. But for most of us, division isn’t just theoretical—it’s personal. It’s at our family gatherings, in our friendships, and even in our closest relationships.

The good news? We don’t have to accept this state of affairs. We can choose to engage differently. We can choose empathy.

A Prayer for Understanding: An Empathy Circle in Action

Sometimes, reaching out can feel like an act of faith. When emotions run high, when we feel wounded or misunderstood, it takes courage to choose connection over disconnection. The message below—adapted from a real conversation—offers one way to invite a loved one into a different kind of dialogue:

I’ve been reflecting on how easy it is, when we feel hurt or misunderstood, to close off, to push back, to want to wound rather than open. But I don’t want that for us. I want something deeper—something that makes space for both of us to be heard, to listen, and to understand.

I know the impulse to pull away, to let anger or fear take the lead. But I also know that when we slow down, when we truly listen, something shifts. Even in disagreement, even in pain, love can be present—not to erase our differences, but to hold them with care.

As we find ourselves struggling to connect, I’d love for us to try something different—something like an empathy circle, where we take turns speaking, reflect back what we hear, and make sure we truly understand before responding. Not to convince, not to win—just to see each other. Because we all matter.

An Invitation

Imagine if, instead of arguing past each other, more families tried this approach. Imagine if, instead of reacting with anger or silence, we responded with curiosity and presence.

Empathy Circles aren’t just a technique; they’re a mindset—a way of approaching difficult conversations with an open heart. They remind us that we are more than our opinions, that beneath our disagreements are shared fears, hopes, and a longing for connection.

So if there’s a conversation you’ve been avoiding, a relationship that feels strained, or a loved one you don’t know how to reach—consider this an invitation. Try an empathy circle. Step into the discomfort with love. And see what happens when you truly listen.

In a world that encourages us to fight or flee, empathy offers a third path: the path of understanding. And in times like these, it may be the most radical choice of all.