By John Ford
Many people struggle with setting boundaries. We want to be understanding, we fear coming across as rude, and so we allow others to overstep, often at our own expense. This is especially true for those who lean toward avoiding or accommodating conflict styles, as described in the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument. Yet, boundaries are not about shutting others out or being unkind—they are about self-respect, clarity, and sustainability in our relationships.
Thich Nhat Hanh’s words remind us that true compassion is not passive or weak. It is a powerful force that resists harm without resorting to violence or blame. He says:
“If you think that compassionate people do not resist and challenge injustice, you are wrong. They are warriors, heroes, and heroines who have gained many victories… When we are armed with compassion and understanding, we fight not against other people, but against the tendency to invade, to dominate, and to exploit.”
This perspective shifts how we approach boundaries. Setting limits is not an act of aggression—it is an act of self-compassion and clarity. When we establish boundaries with understanding, we are not punishing others; we are honoring our needs while also maintaining respect for them.
How to Set Boundaries Without Being Abrasive
Anchor in Self-Compassion – Recognize that your needs are valid. A boundary is not a rejection of another person; it is a statement of self-care.
Communicate Clearly and Calmly – Use "I" statements to express your limits. Instead of saying, “You always take advantage of me,” try, “I need to protect my time, so I won’t be able to help with this.”
Hold Firm with Kindness – Being compassionate does not mean being a pushover. As Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, we can resist domination without anger. If someone pushes back, repeat your boundary calmly without justifying or debating.
Recognize That Discomfort is Okay – If you’re used to accommodating others, setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable at first. That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re growing.
Detach from the Reaction of Others – You are not responsible for how others respond to your boundary. If someone reacts negatively, it does not mean you were unkind; it means they are adjusting to your new clarity.
True compassion is not about allowing others to drain us; it is about showing up fully for ourselves so that we can engage with the world from a place of strength. As we learn to set boundaries with clarity and kindness, we embody the wisdom of Thich Nhat Hanh—not fighting against others, but standing firm against patterns of exploitation and depletion.