By John Ford
Reaching out to a loved one in times of political and emotional division is an act of vulnerability. It takes courage to invite someone into a space of mutual understanding, especially when that invitation is met with resistance—or worse, dismissal.
What do you do when you extend a hand in empathy, only to have it brushed aside? How do you stay open without feeling crushed? How do you care for yourself while holding onto hope for connection?
The Pain of Being Rebuffed
When you reach out with sincerity, hoping to be heard, and instead receive a response that dismisses your feelings or minimizes your concerns, it can feel like a gut punch. You weren’t looking for a debate. You weren’t asking for agreement. You were asking to be seen. And instead, you were told to "chill."
Responses like these often reveal a fundamental disconnect:
You sought emotional connection; they responded with logic or indifference.
You wanted acknowledgment of your distress; they reassured you that everything is fine.
You were asking for empathy; they heard it as an argument.
This gap in perception is frustrating, and it can feel deeply lonely—especially when it comes from someone you love.
Why Might They Respond This Way?
When someone resists engaging empathetically, it’s often not because they don’t care, but because they feel unequipped, uninterested, or even threatened. Consider these possibilities:
They see emotions as irrational. Some people, consciously or unconsciously, equate emotional distress with weakness or overreaction. Instead of sitting with discomfort, they push it away.
They fear conflict. A deep conversation may feel too risky or too exhausting, especially if they think it could lead to more division.
They believe that acknowledging your pain means they have to change their own views. Rather than listening as an act of care, they assume you are trying to persuade them, and they put up defenses.
They genuinely don’t feel the same way and don’t understand why it affects you so deeply. And instead of trying to understand, they dismiss.
None of these are excuses, but understanding them can help soften the sting.
What You Can Do Instead of Giving Up
So where do you go from here? How do you stay open when your invitation to empathy is rejected?
1. Acknowledge the Disconnect
If you sense that they are misunderstanding your intent, you can gently name the gap:
"I hear that you don’t feel the same way I do, and that’s okay. But I wasn’t looking for a debate. I was hoping for empathy—not about policies, but about what this moment means to me and how it’s affecting me personally. That’s what I need from you and why I suggested an empathy circle."
This clarifies that you’re not trying to argue— you’re trying to connect.
2. Name Your Emotional Need Directly
Some people won’t intuit what you’re asking for, so say it clearly:
"When I share my fears and grief, I need to feel that you care about my experience—not that you agree with me, but that you care that I’m struggling."
This removes any question about your agenda. You’re not asking for validation of your political views; you’re asking for relational care.
3. Decide Whether to Keep Engaging or Step Back
If their response remains dismissive or defensive, it may not be the right time for this conversation. You can signal your boundaries while keeping the door open:
"I love you, but I don’t think we’re in the same place right now. Maybe we can just focus on what connects us today."
This protects your energy without completely shutting them out.
Taking Care of Yourself When Connection Fails
When a loved one doesn’t meet you in the space of empathy, it’s painful. But your well-being doesn’t have to depend on their ability to hold space for you. Here’s how to take care of yourself:
1. Seek Empathy Elsewhere
Not everyone is capable of offering the emotional support we long for, but that doesn’t mean you have to go without it. Who in your life can hold space for you? A friend, a partner, a therapist, a community?
2. Set a Personal Boundary
You don’t have to engage in conversations that leave you feeling dismissed or drained. Protect your energy by recognizing when to step away.
"I love you, but I need to step away from this conversation for now. It hurts to feel dismissed when I’m sharing something deeply personal."
3. Stay Open Without Staying Vulnerable to Harm
Holding onto empathy doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be repeatedly hurt. You can continue to care about your loved one without expecting them to meet your emotional needs.
If they aren’t willing to meet you in understanding, consider shifting your focus:
Can you find a different way to connect that isn’t emotionally charged?
Can you accept that they might not have the capacity for deep emotional exchange?
Can you practice radical acceptance while maintaining self-protection?
An Invitation to Keep Choosing Empathy
Empathy is an act of courage. It’s risky because it asks us to open our hearts without a guarantee that we will be met in kind. Sometimes, we will be met with love and understanding. Other times, we won’t.
But staying open—to connection, to curiosity, to love—is always worth it. Not because the other person will always reciprocate, but because choosing empathy makes you more whole.
So if you’ve reached out and been met with rejection, hold steady. Breathe. Find the care you need elsewhere. And when the time is right, keep your heart open to the possibility of understanding—if not today, then maybe tomorrow.