Empathy is the skill of the future

Why you should use empathy in business: Is there a place for empathy in the workplace? Google recently identified empathy as THE difference maker. Why is empathy important in business and what does these new statement from Google and Adobe mean for business? In this video Joshua Freedman, Six Seconds' CEO, talks about why you should use empathy in business, and explores 3 obstacles leader face that will help you understand how you can use empathy to get better results for yourself for your team and for your organization.

Six Seconds, The Emotional Intelligence Network

Empathy as Hovering Stillness

This note on how to cultivate empathy draws on the teachings of Brian Yosef Schacter-Books. As you will discover, he too, like Marshall Rosenberg of Non Violent Communication fame, describes empathy as requiring full presence and attention to the other’s feelings and needs.

What follows are the words of Schacter-Brooks with some minor editing by me:

“Rabbi Moshe Leib of Sasov was known for his extreme empathy. He said that he had learned this from a conversation he overheard between two peasants, while staying at an inn. They were drinking in silence, when one turned to the other and said, “Do you love me?”

“Of course I love you!” his companion replied.

“You say that you love me,” said the first peasant, “but you don’t know what I need. If you truly loved me, you would know.”

The second peasant was silent, not knowing what to say, but Rabbi Moshe knew. From that time onward he would say, “To truly love someone is to bear the burden of their sorrow.”

This teaching is not about a supernatural ability to read minds, but the power of sustained presence in relation to others; it is a teaching about relationship. This practice of sustained Presence, of staying present with other beings over time, is what allows the gradual blossoming of knowledge of the other, and from that knowledge, empathy. The process requires both patience and attention, a willingness to be with others as they are, not imposing judgement or angling for them to change, but also not fleeing from them in fear or disgust or disinterest.

It is a balance between these extremes, a state which we could call “hovering,” like an eagle who hovers over its young, neither landing on them – which would crush and kill them – nor fleeing from them – which would leave them helpless and starving, and would also kill them. Rather, the eagle feeds the eaglets from above, connected but not imposing, giving space but not abandoning.

It thus represents inclusion, saying “yes and” to whomever appears before us. It is a coming close, an affirming of the other, a building of relationship. And it includes the severing attachment: the desire to control or manipulate our experience by controlling and manipulating others. Between these two extremes, between affirming and letting go, is the path of empathy as hovering stillness.

This is a transformative path. In staying present with others, a connection is forged. We begin by beholding someone that may seem alien and strange, but over time, we can come to understand them from the inside; we can come to feel what they feel. This is the cultivation of a love that is not a given, not something we are born into; it is a going beyond our boundaries of comfort and opening a wider space in the heart.

It is through remembering how we have felt alienated, through remembering our own pain, that we can access the power of patience and empathy. This is the redemption of pain, the way that our own suffering becomes useful toward greater consciousness and connection with others.

But there is also a danger in this closeness, the potential for a kind of “codependency,” for our conception of the other becoming trapped in a narrative of distress, of neediness, and victimhood. That’s why we also need the severing of attachment.”

In summary, we can say that empathy is the sustained presence that allows us to discover what another is feeling and needing without attachment.

Empathy and HR: The Practical Connection

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One of the challenges of working in HR is the dual responsibility of enforcing policy and law along with being empathetic.

How well you balance the important and seemingly contradictory roles of having a stick and also a carrot, goes a long way to determining how you are perceived.

When asked, “What do you really think about HR in your organization?” survey respondents for a past HR West presentation were critical:

  • “My understanding of HR is that they exist to prevent employees suing the company.”

  • “I would never be honest with HR. They would find a way to punish me!”

  • “HR remains a reflexive and aggressive defender of management and corporate policies.”

  • “They need to put the human back in HR!”

 HR, it seems, values compliance but lacks empathy!

 In 2014, writing in the Harvard Business Review, Wharton Professor Rita Gunther McGrath suggested that “we’ve seen three “ages” of management since the industrial revolution, with each putting the emphasis on a different theme: execution, expertise, and empathy.”

Whether or not we have formally arrived at the age of empathy, what we do know is that more and more people are talking about the importance of empathy, especially for HR.

SHRM recently posted a blog on their website explaining why empathy is  a critical leadership skill and argued that empathic leaders are more effective (January 2018: Why Empathic Leaders are more effective)

Oprah Winfrey agrees: “Leadership is about empathy!” 

Each year, Buisnessolvers conduct a survey on empathy in the workplace. In 2018, 87% of CEO’s agreed that there is a connection between performance and empathy. (State of Workplace Empathy, Buisnessolvers, 2018)

In other industry studies, empathy is seen as the leadership skill “most strongly and consistently linked with performance.”(DDI World Report, 2018)

 Beyond performance, research by Dr. Helen Reiss at Harvard Medical School, found that “empathy promotes prosocial behavior.”

While our appreciation of the value of empathy is growing, our ability to be empathic may be lagging.

Former President Barak Obama noted this when he said, “I think we should talk more about our empathy deficit.”

 Barak Obama’s concern about our ability to be empathic, defined as ”our ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, to see the world through those that are different from us.”  is confirmed by this statistic from DDI World:

 “Only 40% of leaders are able to demonstrate empathy effectively.”

To be effective, leaders need to guide their own organizations to be empathic without neglecting the importance of compliance.

Many CEO’s would struggle defining at a practical level what they and their organization can do to be more empathic. Thoughtleaders, Paul Ekman and Daniel Goleman suggest that empathy involves a 1-2-3 sequence:

“In cognitive empathy we recognize what another person is feeling. In emotional empathy we actually feel what that person is feeling, and in compassionate empathy we want to help the other person deal with his situation and his emotions.” Paul Ekman, Emotions Revealed, 2003.

 “In today’s psychology, the word ‘empathy’ is used in three distinct senses: Knowing another person’s feelings; feeling what that person feels; and responding compassionately to another’s distress. These three varieties of empathy seem to describe a 1-2-3 sequence: I notice you. I feel with you, and so I act to help you.” Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence, 2006.

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In a nutshell, it’s not enough to just sense the other emotionally and understand their point of view cognitively: there is an expectation that we will act with compassion.

We see this sequence expressed in Roman Krzaric’s definition: “Empathy is the art of stepping imaginatively into the shoes of another person, understanding their feelings and perspectives, and using that understanding to guide your actions.”(Roman Krznaric, Empathy, 2014)

 But what action?

 Businessolver’s State of Empathy Report found that “90% of employees, HR professionals and CEO’s view face to face conversations and team meetings as the most empathic ways to communicate.”

However, it’s not just meeting face to face, it’s how we conduct the meetings with empathy that matters. Empathic leaders are good communicators who listen well. They are attuned to the feelings and needs of their employees with whom they maintain positive relationships.

Employee’s also want their employers to know what is important to them and take compassionate action, showing they care in tangible ways.

The following 7 practices are identified in the 2018 State of Workplace Empathy Report for their potential to build empathy:

1.       Time off for family/medical issues

2.       Offering flexible working hours

3.       Recognizing employee milestones

4.       Paid maternity/paternity leave

5.       Health insurance, and 401(k) contributions

6.       Embracing Diversity

7.       Using smart technology

Of interest in the report was the identification of what employee’s consider to be empathic collegial behavior. It includes: going the extra mile to help a colleague meet an immediate deadline; advocating for a colleague; and talking face to face instead of emailing.

Ensuring that your organization is compliant is important. And so is being empathic. Finding the balance is never easy. As a matter of policy or law, the situation may not be up for negotiation, however, there is always an opportunity to be empathic.

 Consider offboarding.

 Caroline Vernon shares how conversations about parting (offboarding reframed) are fraught with danger:

“Providing a way for the employee to get back on their feet as quickly as possible becomes crucial in parting peacefully with the employee all the while protecting and preserving the employer brand.”

Vernon encourages “outplacement as an empathic solution.” Outplacement is a benefit given to exiting employees for expert advice on resume preparation, job search strategy and can include help negotiating a job offer.

Knowing how to be empathic at a practical level, and what actions are viewed as empathic, is the key to organizational effectiveness!

Can be trusted to uphold policy and law fairly, and seen to be empathic?

Your success will depend on your ability to balance the important, but contradictory roles of compliance and empathy.

Ideally, you  do this a manner that leaves you with peace of mind and a sense of pride for your work and profession.

How is empathy defined?

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I remember when I was first learning the skills of mediation encountering the idea of empathy.

First, I wasn’t sure I could define it myself. Second, I wasn’t really sure I knew why it was so important. And finally, I definitely wasn’t confident in my ability to be empathic, let alone support others in conflict, be empathic.

So, it’s been a journey, and one I am happy to take, and now am very motivated to share my discoveries and insights garnered along the way, both as a professional mediator and trainer, but also, as a human being, experiencing life.

I am eager to make empathy more accessible, more practical, and more widely used.

The starting point, is of course my first doubt and clearly defining what we mean by empathy.

I’m sharing my current favorite definition by Roman Krznaric from his awesome book called Empathy:

“Empathy is the art of stepping imaginatively into the shoes of another person, understanding their feelings and perspectives, and using that understanding to guide your actions.”

I love that he honors the most common understanding of empathy being walking in the shoes of another. Not you in their shoes, but you imagining yourself to be them, and in their shoes.

To do this we have to imagine and draw on our life experience, but not in a way that makes it about ourselves. Our focus always is on the person for whom we are seeking to be empathic with.

When we seek to imagine what they (not us) would be feeling and what their perspective is (without judgment) we are getting into the empathy zone.

But importantly, and this is consistent with most emerging definitions of empathy, it’s not good enough to just imagine, we need to show we care by taking action.

Because, if we don’t, our expressions of empathy seem insincere and hollow.

My awareness of the importance of empathy continues to grow.