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Tips to Maximize Your Conflict Resolution Experience

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A conflict resolution conversation represents an opportunity to do something different. To stop fighting and collaborate. So, what can you do to make the most of your opportunity to get to a mutually beneficial agreement?

 1.         Prepare

You’ve probably heard how failing to prepare, is preparing to fail. And this is very true of our conflict situations. There are things you can do to get yourself ready so that you can be at your best when having a difficult conversation. We can figure out in advance what we are feeling, what we need, what external norms, standards and laws are at stake, but also what we’ll do if we don’t reach agreement. Completing the worksheet on the back is a great idea!

 2.         Listen to understand

The best way to persuade another person is by listening well. “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”, said the late Stephen Covey. Yet listening is one of the hardest skills to master – especially when we perceive the other negatively. As long as you are listening and demonstrating that you understand what the other is saying, you are more likely to reach your goal: agreement.

 3.         Respond wisely, don’t react defensively

Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl famously pointed out that there is a gap between stimulus and response and that in that gap lay our freedom. We respond wisely to our conflict situations when we are able to articulate what we are feeling and needing and our actions are guided by our highest values. By contrast, when we react defensively, we judge and blame and escalate the situation.

 4.         Use I Statements to communicate without judgment or blame

‘I’ statements are different from ‘you’ statements. You statement are judgmental and shut down communication. They are ineffective communicators of what people really feel or need.

By contrast, ‘I’ statements are empathic and open up communication. They require you to describe the situation observationally; to identify how you feel about what you have observed; to articulate your needs that are not being met and which give rise to your feelings; and to describe the concrete actions you need to move forward.

 The four elements of an ‘I’ Statement are:

o   I feel… (Feelings)

o   When… (Observation: describe behavior in non-blaming terms)

o   Because… (Needs)

o   Make a positive behavior request. (Request)

 For example: “I feel frustrated when you start talking before I have finished because my full message is important. I would appreciate it if you could let me finish talking first.”

 5.         Assert your needs and be creative when you brainstorm solutions

To assert your needs, you must first know what they are. Sadly, we often don’t know what we are needing and focus more on our judgments and demands of others. Reframe the conversation to focus on your needs. Coming into the conversation knowing what your needs are will make a huge difference. And, the more you can anticipate what your colleague needs the better. Once we have a good sense of what we each need moving forward, we have an opportunity to find mutually beneficial solutions. In many senses, we are limited by our own creativity.

 6.         Consider what external norms, standards, and laws are at stake

Conflict plays out within a particular context in which participants have expectations of what will happen based on what has happened to others (precedent), and also any relevant norms, standards and law. Knowing this in advance, will help. For example, if you have a concern about noise, is there a policy or directive in the handbook that describes what to expect?

 7.         Know what you will do if you don’t reach agreement

It is important to know what you will do if you don’t reach an agreement (your alternatives). Also, it’s wise to contemplate what the other person may do (their alternatives). You may not like what is being offered but if you don’t have a better alternative away from the table it may be wise to accept what’s on the table. Knowing what your best alternatives are, will inform you as to whether you should accept an offer made. If you have a better way of meeting your needs on your own (a strong alternative) you won’t be as motivated to work something out. However, if you don’t, then you will be more motivated to find a mutual way forward.

 8.         Focus on the future

When it comes to resolving conflict, mediators encourage you to focus on the future you would like to create, rather than on the past that didn’t work. At the same time, it is important to be able to talk about what happened in the past, so that you can get closure, but always with an eye to the future you are envisioning.

 9.         Be conciliatory

A genuine apology is a conciliatory gesture. If you need to apologize, do so. And if your colleague is conciliatory, make sure you acknowledge the gesture and reward it. Don't respond to conciliatory gestures with an attack. For example, "I can see my part in this problem" is conciliatory. Saying "It’s about time" or something to that effect, negates the impact of the gesture.

 10.       Be Open

Doing what we always did got us here! View the conflict resolution conversation as a way to do things differently. So, if you come into the conversation thinking you are right, have all the answers and have nothing to learn then it is unlikely that you are going to work things out. By contrast, if you are open to showing up differently, then there is a reason to be hopeful. Either you are open or closed. Be open!

Preparation Worksheet Questions:

What am I feeling?

What may my colleague be feeling?

What do I need?

What are my colleagues needs?

What external norms, standards, precedents or laws have a bearing on the situation?

What external norms, standards, precedents or laws have a bearing on the situation?

What will I do if we don’t reach an agreement? Consider best and worst cases.

What will my colleague most likely do if we don’t reach an agreement? Consider best and worst cases.

 

Holding Space

Andy Henderson on Unsplash

A key phrase you may have been hearing lately is "holding space," but what does that really mean? The definition of holding space is to be present with someone, without judgment. It means you donate your ears and heart without wanting anything in return. It involves practicing empathy and compassion. You accept someone's truths, no matter what they may be, and put your needs and opinions aside, allowing someone to just be.

To discover What "Holding Space" For Others Really Means and How To Do It you can read the full article here: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/holding-space

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The Importance of Empathy in Today's Volatile Culture

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Apologize


I’ve been on Doug Wojcieszak’ email list for a few years now. Doug is the Founder and President of Sorry Works!

Their mission is laser focused:

“To advance the disclosure and apology movement to benefit patients, families, doctors, and nurses in both acute and long-term care as well as the healthcare, insurance, and legal professionals who support them.”

In his essay about the importance of empathy in today’s volatile Culture, Doug references an article written by Richard Levick called Amazing Grace. It’s probably best to let Doug take it from here:

 “Over the last several years I have had the opportunity to get to know a true gentleman, Mr. Richard Levick, Esq. Richard is a leading figure in the crisis communication world and his firm has the tagline, "Fixing the Impossible." 

We live in tumultuous, even crazy times where a slip of a tongue can leave a person branded or ruined by the social media mob. Recently, Richard and I were featured in a story about public figures, beseeched by social media commandos for alleged current or past sins, being too quick to issue public mea culpas.  We were asked to offer up our expertise; a punch line from the article was don't apologize if you haven't done anything wrong. How many times has Sorry Works! offered the same advice to physicians and nurses dealing with angry patients or families?  Don't fall on your sword to appease an angry family unless you really screwed up?  Be quick to empathize, but slow to apologize; wait for the review before owning a situation.  

A couple weeks ago Richard authored an essay on empathy entitled "Amazing Grace" in which he wondered aloud if historical figures such as Mahatma Gandhi, Winston Churchill, and Eleanor Roosevelt would have survived in today's social media environment. He could have included JFK along with many others into that mix. Richard argued that these luminaries were loaded with sins but were afforded the opportunity to evolve and continue serving. The title of his essay -- Amazing Grace -- is taken from the beloved hymn, which was written by John Newton, a slave trader turned abolitionist. Indeed, so many historical figures are imperfect, messy souls who did some extraordinary acts that continue to evolve and shape our lives today. 
 
For Richard, empathy is not being quick to judge, looking at the entire body of work that constitutes a person, and providing space and time for the good to outweigh the bad present in each of us. Consider his words: "There is an inner peace that comes with being around people who accept, do not judge, listen and work to make the world a better place. It is always quite something to be around them."
 
For years at Sorry Works! we have talked about the need to empathize, including saying "sorry" after something goes wrong along with staying connected with patients/families, honestly reviewing a situation, and proactively fixing problems. Richard Levick reminds us empathy is much more. It's how we look at people, feel about them, and treat them. Do you empathize with your patients and families?  They are not perfect, but God put a heart beat in their chest.  How do we look at physicians and nurses, especially those who have made a mistake?  God put a heart beat in their chest too. 

I will close this essay with a lesson taught to me by the owner of a large nursing home chain.  This gentleman told me he is slow to fire or doing anything punitive to a front-line staff member who made an honest mistake and is contrite. "I would never fire a nurse who made a medical error and felt terrible about it. To fire that person would be throwing away my investment. Not just the investment I made in hiring and training that person, but also the investment that the nurse will likely never make the same mistake again. I have a great employee who is going to be extremely careful going forward...why would I fire that person?" exclaimed the nursing home owner. 

That's empathy, and it's what Richard was talking about in his essay with giving individuals the chance to evolve and become the people God intended them to be.”

Thanks Doug!

Empathy is more than just sensing the other emotionally and understanding their point of view cognitively: there is an expectation that we will act on that sensing and understanding, and treat them with compassion. At times that means we are more accepting and less judgmental of one another’s imperfect past.

Source: Doug Wojcieszak, www.sorryworks.net

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The Tension Between Empathy and Assertiveness

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Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

In 1996 Robert H. Mnookin, Scott R. Peppet and Andrew S. Tulumello wrote an article for the esteemed Negotiation Journal that explored the tension between empathy and assertiveness as two key indicators of how we approach our negotiations strategically.

Very basically there are five widely accepted negotiation strategies available: avoidance, accommodating, competition, compromise and collaboration. An important topic I agree, but not the focus here.

EmpathyAssertionTension.jpg

What I wanted to share, was their definition of empathy and it’s practical benefits to the world of negotiation.

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“Empathy

For purposes of negotiation, we define empathy as the process of demonstrating an accurate, nonjudgmental understanding of the other side’s needs, interests, and positions.

(As is common in legal journals, there are a lot of footnotes. Here’s what the author’s added in theirs in relation to this first sentence:

The notion of empathy is and always has been a broad, someone slippery concept — one that has provoked considerable speculation, excitement and confusion. The term ‘empathy’ is of comparatively recent origin. It was coined by an American experimental psychologist in 1909 as a translation of the German word Einfühlung, defined as .to feel ones way into. Over the last 80 years, many subdisciplines in psychology adopted and modified the term, giving it a range of definitions and connotations.

Contemporary scholars debate such issues as whether the content of empathy is cognitive or affective — whether we understand the thoughts, intentions, and feelings of others or contemporaneously experience them. Similarly, scholars question whether the empathic process is primarily cognitive ‘thinking it through’ or affective ‘feeling it through’ )

There are two components to this definition.

The first involves a skill psychologists call perspective-taking  trying to see the world through the other negotiator’s eyes.

The second is the nonjudgmental expression of the other person’s viewpoint in a way that is open to correction.

In crafting this definition, we have found useful the work of Carl Rogers. Rogers described empathy as:

“Entering the private perceptual world of the other and becoming thoroughly at home in it. It involves being sensitive . . . to the changing felt meanings which flow in this other person. . . . It means temporarily living in their life, moving about in it delicately without making judgments, sensing meanings of which they are actually aware. . . . It includes communicating your sensings of their world as you look with fresh and unfrightened eyes at elements of which the individual is fearful. It means frequently  checking with them as to the accuracy of your sensings, and being guided by the responses you receive. . . . To be with another in this way means that for the time being you lay aside the views and values you hold for yourself in order to enter into another world without prejudice.”

For Rogers, empathy involved the process of nonjudgmentally entering another’s perceptual world.

For us, it also involves the active expression of this understanding of the other side.

Defined in this way, empathy requires neither sympathy nor agreement.

Sympathy is ‘feeling for’ someone — it refers to an affective response to the other persons predicament.

For us, empathy does not require people to have sympathy for others plight.

Instead, we see empathy as ‘a value-neutral mode of observation’, a journey in which we explore and describe another’s perceptual world without commitment.

Empathizing with someone, therefore, does not mean sympathizing with, agreeing with, or even necessarily liking the other side.

Instead, it simply requires the expression of how the world looks to that person.

The benefits of empathy relate to the integrative and distributive aspects of bargaining.

Consider first the potential benefits of understanding (but not yet demonstrating) the other sides viewpoint. Skilled negotiators often can "see through" another person’s statements to find hidden interests or feelings, even when they are inchoate in the others mind.

Perspective-taking thus facilitates value-creation by enabling a negotiator to craft arguments, proposals, or trade-offs that reflect another’s interests and that may create the basis for trade.

Perspective-taking also facilitates distributive moves. To the extent we understand another negotiator, we will better predict their goals, expectations, and strategic choices.

This enables good perspective-takers to gain a strategic advantage  analogous, perhaps, to playing a game of chess with advance knowledge of the other sides moves.

It may also mean that good perspective-takers will more easily see through bluffing or other gambits based on artifice. Research confirms that negotiators with higher perspective-taking ability negotiate agreements of higher value than those with lower perspective-taking ability.

The capacity to demonstrate our understanding of the other sides viewpoint to reflect back how they see the world  confers additional benefits.

Negotiators in both personal and business disputes typically have a deep need to tell their story and to feel that it has been understood. Meeting this need, therefore, can dramatically shift the tone of a relationship.

The burgeoning literature on interpersonal communication celebrates this possibility. As Nichols writes, “. . . when . . . feelings take shape in words that are shared and come back clarified, the result is a reassuring sense of being understood and a grateful feeling of shared humanness with the one who understands.”

The subtext to good empathy is concern and respect, which diffuses hostility, anger and mistrust, especially where these emotions stem from feeling unappreciated or exploited.

Another important benefit of expressing our understanding is that this process may help correct interpersonal misperceptions.

Many scholars have documented the how perception mistakes beset most negotiations; such mistakes are perhaps the foremost contributors to negotiation and relationship breakdown.

Negotiators, for example, often make various attributional errors  that is, they attribute to their counterparts incorrect or exaggerated intentions or characteristics based on limited information.

If for example. our counterpart is late to a meeting, we tend to assume that they either intended to make us wait or that they are chronically tardy, even though we may be meeting them for the first time.

In either case, we have formed an attribution or judgment that may prove unnecessarily counterproductive.

By expressing our understanding, we can correct  or at least test  our attributions about others. By journeying into their shoes, we collect new information and new clues as to their motivation that may help us to revise our earlier assessments.

In a sense, empathy requires us to roll back our judgments into questions or tentatively-held assumptions until we have more complete information.”

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That’s the extract from the article that I wanted to share.

So, when through perspective taking we are able to demonstrate an understanding of another’s needs, interests and positions we are being empathic. However, it is when we feel understood, as when feelings are reflected back through words that clarify that understanding that we “can dramatically shift the tone of a relationship.”

Which is probably why I so appreciate Marshall Rosenberg defining empathy as demonstrating an understanding of another person’s feelings and needs, not just their needs, interests and positions.

Extract from: The Tension Between Empathy and Assertiveness, Robert H. Mnookin, Scott R. Peppet and Andrew S. Tulumello, Negotiation Journal, July 1996.

 

Empathy is the skill of the future

Why you should use empathy in business: Is there a place for empathy in the workplace? Google recently identified empathy as THE difference maker. Why is empathy important in business and what does these new statement from Google and Adobe mean for business? In this video Joshua Freedman, Six Seconds' CEO, talks about why you should use empathy in business, and explores 3 obstacles leader face that will help you understand how you can use empathy to get better results for yourself for your team and for your organization.

Six Seconds, The Emotional Intelligence Network

Empathy as Hovering Stillness

This note on how to cultivate empathy draws on the teachings of Brian Yosef Schacter-Books. As you will discover, he too, like Marshall Rosenberg of Non Violent Communication fame, describes empathy as requiring full presence and attention to the other’s feelings and needs.

What follows are the words of Schacter-Brooks with some minor editing by me:

“Rabbi Moshe Leib of Sasov was known for his extreme empathy. He said that he had learned this from a conversation he overheard between two peasants, while staying at an inn. They were drinking in silence, when one turned to the other and said, “Do you love me?”

“Of course I love you!” his companion replied.

“You say that you love me,” said the first peasant, “but you don’t know what I need. If you truly loved me, you would know.”

The second peasant was silent, not knowing what to say, but Rabbi Moshe knew. From that time onward he would say, “To truly love someone is to bear the burden of their sorrow.”

This teaching is not about a supernatural ability to read minds, but the power of sustained presence in relation to others; it is a teaching about relationship. This practice of sustained Presence, of staying present with other beings over time, is what allows the gradual blossoming of knowledge of the other, and from that knowledge, empathy. The process requires both patience and attention, a willingness to be with others as they are, not imposing judgement or angling for them to change, but also not fleeing from them in fear or disgust or disinterest.

It is a balance between these extremes, a state which we could call “hovering,” like an eagle who hovers over its young, neither landing on them – which would crush and kill them – nor fleeing from them – which would leave them helpless and starving, and would also kill them. Rather, the eagle feeds the eaglets from above, connected but not imposing, giving space but not abandoning.

It thus represents inclusion, saying “yes and” to whomever appears before us. It is a coming close, an affirming of the other, a building of relationship. And it includes the severing attachment: the desire to control or manipulate our experience by controlling and manipulating others. Between these two extremes, between affirming and letting go, is the path of empathy as hovering stillness.

This is a transformative path. In staying present with others, a connection is forged. We begin by beholding someone that may seem alien and strange, but over time, we can come to understand them from the inside; we can come to feel what they feel. This is the cultivation of a love that is not a given, not something we are born into; it is a going beyond our boundaries of comfort and opening a wider space in the heart.

It is through remembering how we have felt alienated, through remembering our own pain, that we can access the power of patience and empathy. This is the redemption of pain, the way that our own suffering becomes useful toward greater consciousness and connection with others.

But there is also a danger in this closeness, the potential for a kind of “codependency,” for our conception of the other becoming trapped in a narrative of distress, of neediness, and victimhood. That’s why we also need the severing of attachment.”

In summary, we can say that empathy is the sustained presence that allows us to discover what another is feeling and needing without attachment.

Empathy and HR: The Practical Connection

HRWest_Empathy.png

One of the challenges of working in HR is the dual responsibility of enforcing policy and law along with being empathetic.

How well you balance the important and seemingly contradictory roles of having a stick and also a carrot, goes a long way to determining how you are perceived.

When asked, “What do you really think about HR in your organization?” survey respondents for a past HR West presentation were critical:

  • “My understanding of HR is that they exist to prevent employees suing the company.”

  • “I would never be honest with HR. They would find a way to punish me!”

  • “HR remains a reflexive and aggressive defender of management and corporate policies.”

  • “They need to put the human back in HR!”

 HR, it seems, values compliance but lacks empathy!

 In 2014, writing in the Harvard Business Review, Wharton Professor Rita Gunther McGrath suggested that “we’ve seen three “ages” of management since the industrial revolution, with each putting the emphasis on a different theme: execution, expertise, and empathy.”

Whether or not we have formally arrived at the age of empathy, what we do know is that more and more people are talking about the importance of empathy, especially for HR.

SHRM recently posted a blog on their website explaining why empathy is  a critical leadership skill and argued that empathic leaders are more effective (January 2018: Why Empathic Leaders are more effective)

Oprah Winfrey agrees: “Leadership is about empathy!” 

Each year, Buisnessolvers conduct a survey on empathy in the workplace. In 2018, 87% of CEO’s agreed that there is a connection between performance and empathy. (State of Workplace Empathy, Buisnessolvers, 2018)

In other industry studies, empathy is seen as the leadership skill “most strongly and consistently linked with performance.”(DDI World Report, 2018)

 Beyond performance, research by Dr. Helen Reiss at Harvard Medical School, found that “empathy promotes prosocial behavior.”

While our appreciation of the value of empathy is growing, our ability to be empathic may be lagging.

Former President Barak Obama noted this when he said, “I think we should talk more about our empathy deficit.”

 Barak Obama’s concern about our ability to be empathic, defined as ”our ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, to see the world through those that are different from us.”  is confirmed by this statistic from DDI World:

 “Only 40% of leaders are able to demonstrate empathy effectively.”

To be effective, leaders need to guide their own organizations to be empathic without neglecting the importance of compliance.

Many CEO’s would struggle defining at a practical level what they and their organization can do to be more empathic. Thoughtleaders, Paul Ekman and Daniel Goleman suggest that empathy involves a 1-2-3 sequence:

“In cognitive empathy we recognize what another person is feeling. In emotional empathy we actually feel what that person is feeling, and in compassionate empathy we want to help the other person deal with his situation and his emotions.” Paul Ekman, Emotions Revealed, 2003.

 “In today’s psychology, the word ‘empathy’ is used in three distinct senses: Knowing another person’s feelings; feeling what that person feels; and responding compassionately to another’s distress. These three varieties of empathy seem to describe a 1-2-3 sequence: I notice you. I feel with you, and so I act to help you.” Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence, 2006.

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In a nutshell, it’s not enough to just sense the other emotionally and understand their point of view cognitively: there is an expectation that we will act with compassion.

We see this sequence expressed in Roman Krzaric’s definition: “Empathy is the art of stepping imaginatively into the shoes of another person, understanding their feelings and perspectives, and using that understanding to guide your actions.”(Roman Krznaric, Empathy, 2014)

 But what action?

 Businessolver’s State of Empathy Report found that “90% of employees, HR professionals and CEO’s view face to face conversations and team meetings as the most empathic ways to communicate.”

However, it’s not just meeting face to face, it’s how we conduct the meetings with empathy that matters. Empathic leaders are good communicators who listen well. They are attuned to the feelings and needs of their employees with whom they maintain positive relationships.

Employee’s also want their employers to know what is important to them and take compassionate action, showing they care in tangible ways.

The following 7 practices are identified in the 2018 State of Workplace Empathy Report for their potential to build empathy:

1.       Time off for family/medical issues

2.       Offering flexible working hours

3.       Recognizing employee milestones

4.       Paid maternity/paternity leave

5.       Health insurance, and 401(k) contributions

6.       Embracing Diversity

7.       Using smart technology

Of interest in the report was the identification of what employee’s consider to be empathic collegial behavior. It includes: going the extra mile to help a colleague meet an immediate deadline; advocating for a colleague; and talking face to face instead of emailing.

Ensuring that your organization is compliant is important. And so is being empathic. Finding the balance is never easy. As a matter of policy or law, the situation may not be up for negotiation, however, there is always an opportunity to be empathic.

 Consider offboarding.

 Caroline Vernon shares how conversations about parting (offboarding reframed) are fraught with danger:

“Providing a way for the employee to get back on their feet as quickly as possible becomes crucial in parting peacefully with the employee all the while protecting and preserving the employer brand.”

Vernon encourages “outplacement as an empathic solution.” Outplacement is a benefit given to exiting employees for expert advice on resume preparation, job search strategy and can include help negotiating a job offer.

Knowing how to be empathic at a practical level, and what actions are viewed as empathic, is the key to organizational effectiveness!

Can be trusted to uphold policy and law fairly, and seen to be empathic?

Your success will depend on your ability to balance the important, but contradictory roles of compliance and empathy.

Ideally, you  do this a manner that leaves you with peace of mind and a sense of pride for your work and profession.

How is empathy defined?

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I remember when I was first learning the skills of mediation encountering the idea of empathy.

First, I wasn’t sure I could define it myself. Second, I wasn’t really sure I knew why it was so important. And finally, I definitely wasn’t confident in my ability to be empathic, let alone support others in conflict, be empathic.

So, it’s been a journey, and one I am happy to take, and now am very motivated to share my discoveries and insights garnered along the way, both as a professional mediator and trainer, but also, as a human being, experiencing life.

I am eager to make empathy more accessible, more practical, and more widely used.

The starting point, is of course my first doubt and clearly defining what we mean by empathy.

I’m sharing my current favorite definition by Roman Krznaric from his awesome book called Empathy:

“Empathy is the art of stepping imaginatively into the shoes of another person, understanding their feelings and perspectives, and using that understanding to guide your actions.”

I love that he honors the most common understanding of empathy being walking in the shoes of another. Not you in their shoes, but you imagining yourself to be them, and in their shoes.

To do this we have to imagine and draw on our life experience, but not in a way that makes it about ourselves. Our focus always is on the person for whom we are seeking to be empathic with.

When we seek to imagine what they (not us) would be feeling and what their perspective is (without judgment) we are getting into the empathy zone.

But importantly, and this is consistent with most emerging definitions of empathy, it’s not good enough to just imagine, we need to show we care by taking action.

Because, if we don’t, our expressions of empathy seem insincere and hollow.

My awareness of the importance of empathy continues to grow.